Like Superintendent Chalmers sighting the aurora borealis inside Seymour Skinner’s kitchen, “at this time of year, at this time of day. In this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!” It’s my job to come into Stanchies relief duty, observe everything that has happened since the last time I wrote about a game, and proclaim, “GOOD GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING [OUT] THERE?!”

Your Vancouver Canucks’ record, since I last floated spot duty for Les Stanchies, is a hysterical 12-27-6. Since November 21st, they’re the only NHL squad with a points percentage that begins with a three (0.333). At 5-on-5, they have been outscored 111 to 71, a minus-40 differential. Amazingly, that’s second to the Chicago Blackhawks, who’ve been outscored 118 to 75 at 5-on-5 for a minus-43 goal differential.

The above reflection is mostly for my own amusement, as November 20th is a totally arbitrary date. It just so happens to be the last time I thoroughly sat down and consumed a game of Canucks hockey with an eye for detail that you will only find at CanucksArmy.com.

Other things of note that happened since November? The Canucks traded their Captain and franchise leader in nearly every stat and record for defencemen, besides games played, for a slew of young prospects and a single first-round pick. The team traded beloved role-player Kiefer Sherwood to the San Jose Sharks for a bunch of rebuilding pieces, namely two 2nd-round picks. The team traded beloved staple of the Stanchies’ staple, the Chaos Giraffe, for additional picks. Then they traded another Stanchies staple, a struggling Corolla (Conor) Garland, for another host of draft picks. Evander Kane didn’t have any takers, but Lukas Reichel, David Kampf, and Jett Woo did.

It’s been a hot minute since yours truly was on the beat. He’s been diligently watching the Canucks season the same way you have, through the eyeholes cut out from the paper bag over his head.

On Thursday night, a dreary, rainy, miserably cold night, the Vancouver Canucks sought the unthinkable: a seemingly nigh-achievable streak of two straight victories on home ice.

In their path? The dastardly Nikita Kucherov, who entered Vancouver on an absurd point streak. In Kucherov’s last five games, he’d put up five goals and six assists. Against the Seattle Kraken, Kucheorv recorded more goals and points than Elias Pettersson (the forward) had recorded throughout March.

Historically, Kucherov has been a monster against the Canucks. Across his last 20 games against Vancouver, the 32-year-old winger had recorded 10 multi-point games, with 12 goals and 13 assists. Since making his NHL debut during the 2013-14 season, he’s been held pointless against Vancouver just six times, most recently in 2023.

He’s pretty good!

So good is Kucherov that I don’t think he’s ever needed inspirational rah-rah chants from the crowd to push him through production or performance slumps. The guy’s been lights out for Tampa, and someday his games in Vancouver should be treated with the same level of fanfare as Sidney Crosby’s or Alex Ovechkin’s when they come to town.

Speaking of excitement for out-of-town visitors! Sportsnet’s Elliotte Friedman joined the broadcast for Thursday night’s action in support of the Canucks for Kids Fund’s annual telethon. Neat!

Unfortunately, the funds raised during the telethon were probably the only good thing to come out of Thursday night’s action.

Let’s get this one over with!

Validating my pre-written, pro-Kucherov preamble, the Lightning’s leading scorer kick-started the game for Tampa with a handful of little things that would make Loui Eriksson blush.

Catching a dump-in from J.J. Moser, Kucherov peels the puck off the wall and separates from Elias Pettersson (the defencemen) while playing the puck over to Anthony Cirelli to carry the puck down low. Cirelli dishes to Brandon Hagel at the side of the net, who quickly relays a pass to Kucherov, who effortlessly redirects Hagel’s pass to the point.

Darren Raddysh, who has more goals than any current Vancouver Canuck, mind you, relayed the pass back to Kucherov for a not-so-preamble-validating one-timer into Kevin Lankinen’s chest for the game’s first shot on goal.

Not to be outdone by Kucherov’s shimmy-shake, Tom Willander then returned fire with a pick-up along the boards before darting down toward the goal line to open space for a centring pass for Liam Öhgren.

Not a lot has gone right this season. Still, the Canucks’ innate ability to terrify opposing fan bases with their ability to stymy their elite team with a stellar goaltending performance has been one of the bright spots.

Much has been made about the Canucks’ identity, or lack thereof. One thing’s for sure: since the bubble series against the Vegas Golden Knights, the Canucks (regardless of team quality) still have that ability to plant an inkling of doubt/fear/trepidation in opposing fanbases based on a single save.

Enter Kevin Lankinen, who came into Thursday’s contest boasting three straight games with a save percentage above .900.

After a fairly ho-hum offensive drive by the Jake DeBrusk, Elias Pettersson, and Drew O’Connor trio, the Lightning sprang up the ice for a two-on-one.

A bobbled drop pass at the blueline gave the Lightning’s Oliver Bjorkstrand a breakaway alongside Hagel, with Elias Pettersson (the defenceman) forced into an awkward retreat. A quick flash of the leather prevented D-Petey from being on the wrong side of a potential highlight reel gaffe and goal against.

Lankinen was sharp early and often against the Lightning.

Gage Goncalves fooled Lankinen with a sharp redirect on Raddysh’s point shot while providing a screen.

EP40 and DeBrusk returned fire almost immediately with a sharp redirect play of their own. After fighting the puck at the blue line to secure the entry, EP40 took his time to catch DeBrusk’s stick with a perfect pass that redirected off the post.

Similar to the “Vancouver goalie’ing” effect, the Lightning, via Andrei Vasilevsky, have that same kind of “Ah sh*t. Here we go again.” power.

On top of the Lightning giving Vancouver zero space to work in the opening 20 minutes, when the Canucks’ did get their looks, they came against a Vezina-winning, multiple 30-win season having, Stanley Cup-winning goaltender. The Lightning’s skaters make scoring difficult, and when they misread a developing rush or cycle, it isn’t a nobody as the fail-safe. It’s Vasilevsky.

Through the first 20 minutes, the visitors outshot the home team 12-6, despite Vancouver securing a late power play opportunity.

Vasilevsky’s first real test came on a tip from Teddy Blueger on a shot from Max Sasson at the top of the slot near the midway point of the period. And it took a lot of work to generate that look.

Even after Linus Karlsson drew a tripping penalty against Moser, the Canucks’ struggled to create the kinds of screens necessary to generate dangerous shots. A parting of the seas led to an easy glove save for Vasilsevsky on Zeev Buium’s wrist shot.

Buium’s shot would also be their only recorded shot on goal for the man advantage.

That layered traffic would have proved beneficial, as the Lightning would prove shortly after the power play’s expiry, with Jake Guentzel tipping a point shot from Charles Edouard-Dastous for the game’s opening goal.

The evening’s eventual scoreline is a disservice to the work that Lankinen put in to keep the Canucks “in it” during the first period. Because the Canucks’ d-zone play was genuinely awful. I understand that the team is mostly playing out the stretch and just trying to get out of 2025-26 in one piece.

But their total indifference to defending outside the blue paint was tough to watch.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t just your least favourite player checking out on their responsibility. Everybody played a part!

Brock Boeser. Hello? Just a stick lift attempt?

The second period would be a disaster class in in-zone defending.

Forty-nine seconds into the second period, the Canucks were caught with four skaters below the goal line, with Max Sasson left to cover Kucherov and Raddysh from the slot.

Raddysh’s 18th of the season actually helped him eclipse all Canucks goal scorers, both current and those who were traded to San Jose for futures.

When a player throws BOTH hands on his helmet in disbelief, you know you’ve got a legitimate contender for save of the year.

I mean. God damn!

What an absolute tragedy this save preceded a period in which Lankinen’s Canucks conceded three goals in five minutes, getting outshot 11-4 in the process.

I actually feel bad posting the two goals Tampa scored in quick succession, because the Lankinen glove save should be remembered as well as Thatcher Demko’s iconic scorpion save. Alas, tough to remember the good when it’s followed by so much bad.

First, Yanni Gourde somehow managed a one-handed tip from below the goal line on the 800th point shot of the night from Darren Raddysh.

The Gourde goal and the glove save on Hagel occurring within two minutes of each other are about as “Canuck-y” as it gets.

Pettersson has Gourde boxed out behind the goal line, Victor Mancini and DeBrusk are trying to get in the way of Raddysh’s line of fire to force his shot wide, and it still goes in off a wild one-handed chop.

Less than a minute later, D-Petey blindly threw the puck back to Kucherov while facing another relentless cycle from the Lightning’s top line, giftwrapping Tampa’s fourth straight goal off a point shot.

Oof.

OOF!

I don’t think this first-period game planning was going to work out, even if EP40 kept paying attention.

Are the Stanchies usually positive after they go down four-zip with 35 minutes left to play in a game where they’ve been outshot 20-8? It’s been a while, and I’ve heard the “vibes since the trade deadline have done a 180.” But, are we still throwing lipstick on this pig? Really?

Here’s the best positivity I can muster for a team chasing an Everestian uphill battle against one of the best teams in the east.

Nothing fancy about it either. A rush entry from Marco Rossi up the middle, a relay up to Boeser on the wing, and a drop pass to Öhgren in the slot for the stutter and shot past Vasilevsky.

Later, Boeser dropped Erik Cernak with a stinger off the ankle that forced a stoppage in play to let him get to the bench.

Yowza!

Cernak’s sprawling block on Boeser’s wrist shot gave him the team lead in blocked shots, with 79 total.

Infamous goon, Boeser, kept up his mean streak, attempting to take out Victor Hedman with a check from behind along the O-zone halfwall.

Another bout of positivity, even if it resulted in absolutely nothing: Drew O’Connor drawing a slashing penalty against Guentzel to give the Canucks’ faithful in Rogers Arena hope for a comeback.

Unfortunately, this errant pass to nowhere from Boeser sums it up.

The Canucks really didn’t do much following Öhgren’s goal, registering just two additional shots on goal before the buzzer.

I had jokingly pre-titled this instalment of the Stanchies “Canucks redefine what it means to be a fan in 10-3 loss at home to the Lightning.”

Awful title, no doubt. But somehow I wasn’t that far off in my prediction of the final score.

The “comeback” began when a second shot hit the Lightning’s goalpost, off a slick spinning setup (while falling) from EP40 to Öhgren.

Seven minutes into the final frame, Linus Karlsson executed a brilliant mid-air bunt on a Marco Rossi rebound to cut the lead.

Thirty-six seconds later, in the middle of Al Murdoch’s announcement of the Karlsson goal, the comeback was DOA, as if it wasn’t already on life support.

Seeking vengeance following Darren Raddysh’s misplay that gave Vancouver hope via Karlsson’s goal, Jon Cooper threw out his top line against the Boeser, Öhgren, and Rossi trio, who were paired up with Willander and Marcus Pettersson.

The Lightning’s top line absolutely clowned the Canucks’ fivesome.

The Canucks’ in-zone defensive coverage strategy had been a frequent topic of discussion earlier in the season, when there was still a semblance of hope that Quinn Hughes might re-sign and that the playoffs might still be on the table. That discussion quickly disappeared when it was clear that the team had absolutely zero hope of contending with this lineup.

Not long ago, fans were praising the team’s improved defensive play under Rick Tocchet and Adam Foote running the d-corps. I don’t think it’s wholly his fault that the team looks so thoroughly and consistently outclassed by their opposition when playing in-zone defence. After all, Foote’s defensive rotation, even before Hughes was traded, included two to three players who would ALL be better served playing in the AHL.

However, the state of the blueline and the forwards’ total confusion on in-zone coverage has left them looking downright pathetic against elite teams. I’m sure someone will race to the comments to say, “What about the Florida game the other night?!”

Florida is third-last in the Eastern Conference with as many road losses as Vancouver.

Tampa Bay is a legitimate top team in the NHL, and they embarrassed Vancouver’s team. Credit to their merry band of players—most of whom will NOT figure into the next “great” lineup of the Vancouver Canucks—for cracking 20 shots against an elite team, at home, in a game where they went down by four goals in just 25 minutes.

On his fourth shot of the game, Hagel uncorked a missile past Lankinen that squared this one away.

J.J. Moser drew a slash against Teddy Blueger with four minutes remaining, and the Canucks PK did an admirable job at keeping Tampa to a handful of one-timers from Raddysh only.

Only the Canucks could lose two Lukas Reichel trades in a single season.

Incredible pull.

Ahead of Thursday’s loss, news dropped that this year’s draft lottery will take place on May 5th.

Frankly, I think it’s good that on (what should be) a positive day for the Canucks organization, the NHL decided to drop a piece of existential-dread-inducing news, seemingly targeted at Vancouver’s fanbase.

The season’s sucked, and it will continue to suck for the foreseeable future, and news of the lottery and Tankathon reminded me that it can truly, always suck even more!

Goodnight everyone! Onto the next!