The Canucks continued to look well below average this week, currently sitting 3 points up on the Edmonton Oilers. This week’s power rankings wade through the team’s struggles by focusing on the important things, like Bo Horvat’s scandalous nicknames, Luca Sbisa’s feelings, and, of course, a puppy!

Linden Vey finished this week as the Canucks first line centre and a power-play specialist. This is the world we live in. 

Sven continues to be a big positive from this unfortunate season. What a fancy tip this was!

As he continues to set career TOI highs, Ben Hutton notched his 21st point this week. This is good for the team’s defenseman points lead. And, most importantly:

Jake Virtanen is every Canucks fan’s teenage dream right now. 

Dan Hamhuis scored his first goal of the season this week! It came on a backdoor play, which is amazing if you consider this: 

The only current first-liner without any experience as a Medicine Hat Tiger, Daniel is doing as well as he possibly can. He even scored a goal with his crotch! 

Yannick Weber and his girlfriend, Kayla Price, got the cutest dog ever and she is all I care about now. 

Markstrom was big for the Canucks on Saturday (and always, because he is 6’6″) and made a handful of stunning saves against the Sharks, including this one:

Tanev had another nice week, though he left Saturday’s game with an undisclosed upper body injury, leaving poor Ben Hutton to fend for himself. If you don’t look too closely at Hutton’s description of Tanev as a defensive partner, it totally sounds like Hutton is trying to convince us to date Chris Tanev. 

Former Medicine Hat Tiger Emerson Etem got into a fight and played on a line with the twins this week. I am just happy that I did not have to type that sentence about Derek Dorsett. 

He’s still doing those dangly things that get us all excited, but more importantly, Horvat now has the most important nickname on the team.  

Miller played once this week and was the victim of a potentially illegal Tomas Hertl goal. Ryan was so mad that he started requesting math to prove his point. Analytics people rejoice!

Granlund replaced the fallen Henrik Sedin on the first unit power play and it actually went extremely well. Is Markus Granlund better than Henrik Sedin? We’ll soon find out. 

Burrows scored a goal (on an empty net) this week and lands right on his jersey number. What a week for Alex Burrows. 

Brendan Gaunce played hockey this week and made no memorable errors, which is great for him. 

With the recent injury to Henrik Sedin, Jared McCann might get more ice time. Maybe. 

Sbisa was his usual self this week, but he looked so sad in Thursday’s pre-game interview. Hope he’s ok. 

Bartkowski had another tough week defensively, but here’s a gif of him with a broom:

Derek Dorsett got into two fights this week! Well, one fight and this: 

These guys are all hurt. Vrbata appears likely to return this week, perhaps as early as tonight in LA. Edler is on the LTIR, meaning that he will likely not be seen until training camp in September. Jannik Hansen, meanwhile: 

Henrik Sedin probably deserves the rest that will come due to his latest injury, but everyone loses when Henrik Sedin isn’t playing hockey. 

Brandon Sutter, who is also hurt, did not make a Twitter account this week, but someone else did and they’re pretending to be him.