WWYDW: New Year’s Resolutions For The Vancouver Canucks

It may be the holidays, but we here at CanucksArmy are still hard at work in our nonexistent workshop to bring you all the reader-generated content you can stuff in your stocking!

Last week, we asked you to give out some gifts to the cast and crew of the 2019/20 Vancouver Canucks, and the results were…honestly, pretty mean-spirited. With the team on a bit more of a roll heading into the Christmas break, perhaps this New Year’s-themed edition of WWYDW will draw out a bit more of the ol’ holly-jolly.

At this time every year, countless individuals across the world set questionably-dedicated goals for the annum to come – and hockey players are presumably no different. Unless some intrepid reporter thinks to ask them, we have no way of knowing which resolutions each Canuck has made for 2020, but that only leaves the door open for the readership of CanucksArmy to suggest some of our own.

Should Travis Green resolve to wink more at the in-arena cameras?

Should Micheal Ferland resolve to find a less-discomforting Twitter handle?

Should Jake Virtanen resolve to suggest a healthier alternative for fans celebrating his goals?
Is 2020 the year of #WheatgrassJake?

This author intends to drop a full list of New Year’s Resolutions for the Vancouver Canucks sometime around the actual holiday, but for now you’ve got the opportunity to beat them to the punch, because this week we’re asking:

Last week, we asked:

I would like to see Santa Clause to bring the gift of skating for Brock –  half-a-step faster.

Hopefully in the next offseason, Brock works out with Horvat’s skating coach.

For Virtanen, the gift of being able to make tape-to-tape passes to his teammates. There have been countless plays where he could have set up his linemates for a good scoring chances.

 

A win. Not several, just one, to go with all the lumps of coal like six lumps Loui, four lumps Sutter, and three lumps Beagle.

 

How about a few wins in regulation? We’re sitting at 11 wins in regulation out of 35 games played, among the worst in the league. And out of those 11 wins, how many did Markstrom steal? It ain’t pretty, mediocre is a compliment right now.

 

My gift is a special teams coach that can make a consistently good powerplay that doesn’t trip over each other on their zone entries.

Another would be a solid winger for Bo.

 

I’d like a defenseman with a cannon of a shot, like Shea Weber, for the powerplay. A guy that, when he loads up, the defending team scatter like rats because they don’t want to get hit by it. Think Al MacInnis in his prime. Right now, they don’t have one player on the team with a decent slapshot. Tell me I’m wrong.

 

Their first round pick back.

 

I would gift Aquilini and Benning the realization that this year’s Canucks should not be bolstered for a playoff run. There just isn’t quite enough there yet.

 

Stephen Gregory Yzerman.

 

A hitting coach.

 

Seven infinity scarves stapled together for Tyler Myers.

A “Best” Of Rob Schneider boxset for Jay Beagle.

A laser pointer for Antoine Roussel to pick out fans in opposing jerseys he wants ejected from Rogers Arena.

An album of compromising photographs of Travis Green for Nikolay Goldobin.

A Marvel Comics encyclopedia for Adam Gaudette so he can discover some better superheroes to emulate.

A lifetime pass to Castle Fun Park for Jake Virtanen.

The ability to not look high in a candid photo for Quinn Hughes.

The ability to trade kneecaps with any one individual in the world – including Nick Holden – for Josh Leivo.

Just a nice, long hug for Loui Eriksson.

And literally anything and everything that Elias Pettersson wants, including a black market Baby Yoda doll and the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League.