Canucks Army’s Orca Tank is Fired Up Over P.K. Subban

Jim Benning can’t be charged with tampering twice so we should be safe to talk about the one they call Pernell-Karl. P.K Subban has been rumoured to being on the move this summer so Nashville can cut down on their car payments every month. The Predators are fresh off a Cup run a few season’s ago and for Nashville to get back to the dance they may need to make some moves.

Moves that change the landscape not only in Smashville! but wherever a player like Subban lands.

The task of our Canucks Army Dragons this week is to throw up an offer to bring P.K. to Vancouver or to get some avocado toast instead. Are people still doing that? Anyway, here are some deets on the All-star defenseman and why he could transform the Canucks’ backend:

With the addition of Quinn Hughes and hopefully, Olli Juolevi at some point to Vancouver’s backend, adding Subban as essentially the defacto #1 defenseman would bump the Canucks up the rebuild ladder. Alex Edler still hasn’t signed and things aren’t cheery on that front as of late. Making a Subban splash prior to the Draft would definitely put the league on notice.

But how is he even going to get to Vancouver? Sure, there are planes and trains that could deliver the booming defender to the Canucks but what kind of move on paper would land P.K Subban in green, blue, and white… and also black, red, and yellow?

The Canucks Army Orcas/Dragons (better name? Orca Tank. There, let’s go with that) were fired up to put in their takes, their offers, and their orders for the avocado toast we promised at the beginning.

Let’s go!

PK, don’t listen to these other yokels–or your brother Jordan. We want you in Vancouver. Maybe not “Trade Shea Weber For You” levels of want, but the desire is there.
Don’t tell Alex Edler this, but if we can trade for you we’ll cut him loose to sign somewhere else–presumably Tampa Bay, the traditional retirement home for legendary Swedish Canucks defensemen.
Unlike Edler, you play the right side–which means you’ll be pairing up with Quinn Hughes. For once, you’ll get to be the defensive conscience on the blueline, and that’s always been an underrated part of your game. Together, you and Quinn might just be the best-skating defense tandem in the NHL–and it’s a skater’s league, baby.
That $9 million cap hit you’ve got for the next three years IS a problem. We have to re-sign Elias Pettersson in 2021, and we’ll be lucky if he doesn’t demand everything south of Squamish. But we’ve got ways of dealing with that–because you don’t have a No-Trade or No-Movement Clause of any kind! Come 2021, we can trade you or buy you out or ship you down the coast to Seattle. Or, best case scenario, you’re still worth the $9 million and we find some way to squeeze you in.
What are we offering? You call old man Poile and tell him that we’ll give up Chris Tanev (an adequate one-year replacement for you), a 1st round pick in 2020, and his choice of a C-level prospect. You are coming off your worst offensive season ever, and the Predators are desperate to cut cap, so we think we can get it done for that low, low price.
**Preemptive apology for calling you guys “yokels.”

 

Disclaimer: CA in no way is affiliated with the “yokels” comment made by Stephan. We have never called anyone a yokel and it’s possible it’s not even a word.

 

Stephan looks like he’s all-in on Subban and made a compelling offer. Will it be enough though for Poile to buy him a plane ticket?

Up next is a compelling argument that isn’t exactly glowing for the arrival of #76.

Look, P.K., I appreciate you coming in to see us today. Really, I do. I know your brother Jordan doesn’t have a lot of great things to say about what opportunities he may or may not have been given when he was a part of this organization, but you’re here today, willing to hear us out all the same, and I respect you for that. I also respect you enough to be honest with you. I don’t want to waste your time, and I know you don’t want to waste ours. We’re not interested.

I understand this may seem a little counterintuitive. What’s the problem? The biggest hole on our roster is on the right side of the defense. You play the right side on defense. Our blue line has been one of the worst in the league for a few years now. You’re one of the top players in the league at your position. Our best D is probably a 19-year-old kid who’s only played 5 games total in the NHL so far. You’ve won a Norris Trophy as the NHL’s top defenseman. We’ve never had a true #1 guy at the position. You’re an all-star. You were on the cover of NHL ‘19 for crying out loud!

Our problems are pretty simple. First, you just turned 30. That’s kind of a dangerous age for most players these days. I mean, it’s a young man’s game now. We’ve come to regret investing in older players before. Our top pair of Edler and Tanev is so broken down and injury-riddled that, honestly, when we want to send players to visit little kids in the hospital, it’s always really easy because those two are usually already there receiving treatment most of the time anyway. We need to get younger, and a lot of your best days are already behind you.

Second, you’re an expensive acquisition for any team. More so for a team like us. You see, we don’t have a lot of assets to throw around on stuff like trades. We don’t have a surplus of good, NHL level players hanging around that we can afford to give up. If anything, we need more help up front. And draft picks? Get out of here with that. Do you seriously think I can afford to give away draft picks the year the draft is in Vancouver?! Obviously not. So, if we trade for you, it’s gonna cost us a lot of what we don’t have to give away. And I highly doubt the Preds are going to be okay with giving you away for cheap.

Then there’s the issue of money – as in, you’re owed a lot of it. $9 million cap hit a year for the next 3 years. If I could whistle in folksy astonishment, I would. That would be an enormous investment on our part, and it just doesn’t make sense for us. Not only are we weighed down with Loui Eriksson’s burdensome contract for another 3 years, but our 4th line made over $10 million last year! Not to mention we have no idea what Brock Boeser is going to cost us yet. And Pettersson? My god, man, have you seen what Buffalo just gave Jeff Skinner?! Mitch Marner is expecting Auston Matthews money. With where contracts are going, Petey is going to cost us big time. We need to make sure we have enough cap space left to manage all of that, and we don’t want to have to give up what good young players we do find just because we can’t afford to pay them with your contract on the books. I mean, yeah, you won a Norris. But that was 6 years ago. We’re focused on the future here.

Finally, and this is a bit of a delicate subject, there’s the person behind the player. We know about your charitable endeavors, and that’s fantastic. We know about the money you donated to the hospital in Montreal, and we know about the disadvantaged kids you bring to every home game. But, and I said I would be honest with you… We want to build a team here. There’s no “I” in “team”. It’s part of the reason two different teams have looked to trade you. You’re a “me first” kind of guy. You like the spotlight a bit too much. You like being the star of the show a bit too much. It doesn’t take long for you to rub your teammates the wrong way. You’re brash. You’re self-absorbed. You’re everything we’re trying to teach our young players not to be. Not only do we not want the distraction of your antics, but we also don’t want that sort of attitude to rub off on our young guys. We want players with no personality. Look at Markus Granlund. Does he even have a personality? Of course not. Like I said: we’re all about the team here. And you’re just not a team player.

For all of those reasons, I’m out. I have no idea what “P.K.” actually stands for, but I’m afraid in this instance it stands for “Pass. K?”

If there was a microphone, Kyle, you just dropped it.

 

Finally, acting pretend GM Chris Faber threw in his offer to P.K and it’s a beauty. Highly unlikely, the Preds take him up on it but it’s worth staying through the commercial break.

 

“Read in Jim Benning Voice”-  PK, what’s going on. Listen, we want you here in Vancouver, we are trying to make a big change on our back end and we want that to start with you. We don’t have a lot to give up but we can promise that you’ll love the west coast. The summers are hot and the winters are also hot. We have this core and we want to build onto it, we don’t want to change it but we want to add you into the mix and make a run at the playoffs.

I need to do it as GM my job is in jeopardy and a playoff push is what Frankie wants. The organization is thirsty and I need to pull the trigger on a real big move. We want you to be our horse here in Vancouver and take up big minutes with limited time on the PK, haha! See what I did there, I used your name as a hockey thing.

Tuesday Jim is back and I think we have just enough pieces to make a move for you to come to Vancouver. Just stay humble in our dressing room or BoHo is going to take away your social media, grandpa Bo is on the hunt on the road and if he catches anyone on their phones after 9pm there will be consequences. Anywho, let’s get Poile on the landline and make this happen, NO PK FOR PK!! Am I right! Ohh Jimbo is on fire right now. K bye! -Jim Benning

*Picks phone back up*

Hey Dave, forgot my offer I was too excited talking to your boy PK: a 2020 2nd round pick, 2019 3rd round pick, and Sven Baertschi. I’ll wait.

 

I can’t imagine that final offer goes anywhere, though. Will Subban be a Canuck this summer or are we just spinning our tires on this one?

Clock’s ticking.