It’s another installment of my regular feature of venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and other happenings around the NHL. Two things about this feature… 1) It will appear (hopefully) every week, and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don’t.
This week, I hate the great wall of boring hockey, uncomfortably “strong loves”, and the end of actual meaningful hockey .
You know what I hate?! Gimmicky, bad hockey in China. Yesterday, Gary Bettman hosted a bizarre press conference in an empty arena to announce that the NHL would play two September pre-season games in China. To sell the game to the vast Chinese market, the NHL selected two premier, exciting talent-laden teams … LA and Vancouver. Yiiiiiiiikes. I can understand the potential to want to grow your sport in an untapped market, one which will be hosting the Winter Olympics in 5 years. The NHL probably picked the two worst teams to feature in these games. The Kings play the most boring brand of hockey in the entire league, and the Canucks just flat out stink. Sure, they’re both Pacific Rim teams with significant Chinese presence in each city, but that’s about it. They’re boring, terrible teams with no real superstars. These games are going to flop.
You know what I hate?! Drew Doughty.
You know what I hate?! The constant reminder that the Canucks passed on Ehlers and Nylander to pick Jake Virtanen in 2015, and skipped Tkachuk to take Juolevi last year. Just to be clear, the reminders are absolutely spot-on. The Canucks definitely SHOULD have draft Ehlers or Nylander over Virtanen, and Tkachuk over Juolevi. This constant and persistent reminder that the Canucks could have had two of these three dynamic players and that the team would be way more fun and entertaining is maddening. Instead we’re stuck with a bumbling doofus as a GM.
You know what I hate?! Corey and his damn Toyota. After watching this ad with this delusional fan for the 8 millionth time, I have come to the conclusion that Corey watched Game 5 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Final and then immediately fell into a 5 year coma. He’s clearly not seen a single Canucks hockey game for at least the two years because they’ve done nothing but let us fans down, despite Corey’s passionate claim. The phrase “it’s a strong love” when describing his feelings for the Canucks is positively cringe-worthy.
You know what I hate?! Fantasy hockey season is coming to an end. Since Canucks games have been so dull and uninspiring, having a fantasy hockey team has actually made NHL hockey fun to follow this year. So I’m actually kinda sad that my fantasy league will wrap up this Sunday. Of course, there are playoff pools but I don’t get the same joy out of those, because I’m terrible at doing them. I like the dedication of the long, regular season as a healthy distraction from how pitiful my favourite team was, is, and will be.