This week, the Canucks scored five goals and lost every game. They were very boring. So I have once again turned to Twitter to help me choose a theme for the Player Power Rankings. My followers voted like this:
Unfortunately, a lot of these guys all kind of blend together – it’s hard to distinguish the Bouchers from the Megnas, hairwise – but I did my best. I based these rankings on relatively current hairstyles, so apologies to any of these men who rocked that sick bleached hair look during their OHL days.
28. Alex Biega:
Alex Biega has a small amount of white-blond hair. There is nothing wrong with this, but there isn’t much to say about it. It’s just there.
27. Jack Skille:
Jack Skille’s hair also falls into the “it’s just there” category, but it is easier to see because it is not quite as blond.
26. Drew Shore:
I’m still figuring out who Drew Shore is but as far as I know, this photo is of him. His hair is fine.
25. Derek Dorsett:
Derek Dorsett has some pretty average hair, but even with his neck brace he’s making an effort to style it. Solid.
— Derek Dorsett (@Twigy15) December 8, 2016
24. Reid Boucher:
That is some normal hair.
23. Nikita Tryamkin:
Nikita Tryamkin’s entire being is so memorable that he doesn’t need a fancy haircut. He plays it safe.
22. Joseph Cramarossa:
Joe Cramarossa is currently rocking an undercut with a lot of forehead flop. It works for him.
21. Brandon Sutter:
Brandon Sutter’s hair reminds me of Jim Halpert from The Office but, like, sweatier.
20. Sven Baertschi:
Sven Baertschi has extremely normal hair.
19. Jayson Megna:
Jayson Megna’s hair brings a lot of fluffiness. A good look. Impressive volume.
18. Ryan Miller:
Ryan Miller and his hair are both aging gracefully. The silver in his hair matches the medal he won in 2010 and it truly suits him.
Some quality time with my mom was much needed. She always knows how to make things fun! Love you mom. pic.twitter.com/VxeJmJg9S9
— Ryan Miller (@RyanMiller3039) February 11, 2016
17. Joe LaBate:
The height of Joe LaBate’s hair surprised me. A+ for volume, B+ overall.
16. Philip Larsen:
Philip Larsen’s hair is basically just a less interesting version of Chris Tanev’s hair.
15. Henrik and Daniel Sedin:
I wasn’t sure how much I should allow facial hair to factor into these rankings, but the iconic ginger goatees deserve some love.
14. Bo Horvat:
There is nothing wrong with Bo Horvat’s hair. It’s not the most memorable on the roster, but it’s good hair.
13. Luca Sbisa:
Luca Sbisa has nice hair. It looks healthy and well looked after.
12. Markus Granlund:
Markus Granlund has fancy, golden hair.
11. Brendan Gaunce:
Brendan Gaunce’s hair is very neat and contributes to his “nice young man” aesthetic.
— FIN (@CanucksFIN) February 2, 2017
10. Anton Rodin:
Anton Rodin has some of the neatest hair on the team. Very slick.
9. Troy Stecher:
Troy Stecher’s hair looks like a lot of young men’s hair – short on the sides, longer at the top (the reverse monk, if you will) – but Troy has a fancy little swoop that sets him apart.
8. Michael Chaput:
I had no idea that Michael Chaput had nice hair! He even knows how to show it off, as demonstrated in this gif. Good work, Mike.
7. Chris Tanev:
Chris Tanev does not have beautiful hair or hair that looks like it’s frequently washed, but his hair is arguably the most memorable hair on the current roster. Somewhere between Severus Snape and Sodapop Curtis, Tanev’s hair is the reason his nickname is “Grease”.
Genuinely how does this happen?
6. Erik Gudbranson:
The one thing that Erik Gudbranson has proven during his time in Vancouver is that he’s an objectively handsome man. His hair is objectively very nice and he makes Jaromir Jagr look like a very old wizard.
5. Loui Eriksson:
Loui Eriksson’s legacy as a Canuck is currently this photo from his first game with the team, immediately after he scored on his own net. His curls, at least, look great. Like a grown-up, Swedish Harry Styles.
I chose the top-4 Canucks, but asked for Twitter’s help to order them. Here is what we ended up with:
4. Jacob Markstrom:
Markstrom’s hair is both floppy and neat, which is a great combo. I have nothing else to say about it, it’s just real nice hair.
3. Ben Hutton:
Ben Hutton’s hair is not as well-kept as some hair, but it is versatile. He lost a bet this year that forced him to have a mullet for a few days and honestly? He killed it. Like the rest of him, Ben Hutton’s hair is fun.
At least we had the Hutton wink! pic.twitter.com/NrgnIPDyb3
— Ryan Biech (@ryanbiech) December 14, 2016
2. Alex Edler:
Alex Edler has had consistently good and neat hair for most of his career. He is getting older, so this second place finish could have been based on his reputation, but Edler actually wears the receding hairline very well.
Ben Hutton agrees that Edler’s hair game is strong. And in this house, we trust Ben Hutton.
Edler. It's always in perfect position. I swear he wakes up like that. https://t.co/JGnBdXtpCB
— Vancouver Canucks (@Canucks) November 13, 2015
1. Nikolay Goldobin:
Nikolay Goldobin won the Best Hair poll and I genuinely think that he wanted it the most. Based on his Instagram account, a lot of effort goes into maintaining his hair. It shows, and he deserves top spot. Keep it up, Goldy. You are the fanciest boy.