You Know What I Hate?! – April 2nd

This Stars fan is angry. And so am I. And we’re both mad at the same person.
Yeah, we’re looking at you, Superfan #32.
(Photo courtesy TSN)

Today I continue my weekly feature of me venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and around the NHL. Two things about feature… 1) It will appear (hopefully) every Monday, and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don’t.

This week, i take to facebook to tell all u idiotz who much i hatee on Britney Carneegee, stoopid fans, tha Prezidits trofee and BASEBALL. Also proper spelling is for moranz.

You know what I hate?! The Vancouver Canucks could win the President’s Trophy in consecutive years. Yes, I HATE THIS. Why? Because it means the expectations of this team immediately rise exponentially for anyone who hasn’t paid close attention to the Canucks and the Western Conference.

You see, I don’t have any expectations for the Canucks this year, because I’m so thoroughly confused by what they’ve done in the past two weeks. Maybe it’s simply because Daniel Sedin is out, but they’ve drastically changed strategies to more of a lock-down defensive methodology. Or maybe it’s just because the clubs top 6 forwards can’t score, so they’re grinding out games. And yet, they’ve won 6 in a row and are the hottest team in the league going into the playoffs. Either way, I honestly can’t predict what the Canucks will do this postseason. They could lose in the first round, or they could win the Cup. But, having the President’s Trophy asterisk beside your name means that you’re considered default favorite by the great unwashed. And I hate unnecessarily heightened expectations.

You know what I hate?! The 6th seed in each conference is frankly going to have an EASY first round opponent. The respective winners of the Pacific and Southeast divisions are going to barely scrape in to this year’s playoffs. While the Florida Panthers have a tiny bit of a cushion in the SE, the Pacific-leading Kings are only two points clear of 9th. They could very easily miss the playoffs, even though they are slotted into the third seed with only three games to play. Yet, if they manage to hold off, they’ll have home-ice advantage in the first round.

In the East, Florida will very likely face the Devils, who should stomp all over the Panthers (FLA is -24 in goal diff; NJD is +14), while the Blackhawks would possibly face the Kings in the West in what might be a slightly closer matchup. Either way… the 4/5 matchup in each conference is going to be an absolute bloodbath, while the 3/6 series could be a cakewalk for the seeded underdog. This system has to change; while the division should be guaranteed a playoff spot, they shouldn’t be slotted into the Top 3. We have to get rid of these weird matchups.

You know what I hate?! Clueless idiots. At the Stars/Canucks game on Friday, a male Stars fan took a puck in the facecourtesy Stars goalie Kari Lehtonen. The fan came away with a pretty bloody nose and Lehtonen threw a towel over the glass to help the fan out. Well, his idiot female partner took the towel away from him and cheered. "Yey! I gotz a towel from Kerry Letinin!" SHE REACHED AROUND HIS SHOULDER AND TOOK IT AWAY FROM HIM.

And so the injured dude rightfully turns to his girlfriend/wife/life-partner and gives her a look like "Bitch, you crazy?! Mah face is smashed up, dummy!" And she’s all… "Oh right." Seriously how clueless AND SELFISH do you have to be to take a towel way from someone with a bleeding face?! Man, I know that these two are probably cutesy Dallas Stars fans together, but brother, if she’s gonna do THAT to you, she’s capable of being WAY more selfish. THAT’S A DEAL BREAKER, FELLAS.

You know what I hate?! Uppity girlfriends. Oh, Brittany. Milan Lucic’s girlfriend Brittany Carnegie decided to pick a somewhat anonymous fight with the better half of Cory Schneider (excuse me… as she spelled it – Corey Synder). You can read an excellent take on the whole situation from our friends at Pass it To Bulis.

I try not to pass judgment but your rocket scientists and nuclear physicists of the world tend NOT to be named "Brittany". And based on her spelling and grammar, she’s as smart as I would envision a "Brittany" would be. And my apologies to all you smart, well-read Brittanies out there. But Lucic’s girlfriend is not doing your people any favours at all. Nor is she doing anything to dispel the stereotype of uppity, sports WAGs."Control your broad"?! REALLY?! Trust me, sweetheart. The rest of Vancouver (and probably some folks in Boston) is telling your boy Milan to do exactly the same right now.

Do yourself a favour, Brittany, and let your boyfriend do the fighting. And by "do the fighting", I mean take cheapshots at goalies, specialize in the glove-on sucker punch and lay out players half his size with suspension-worthy hits. Brittany and Milan – a match made in "You know what I hate?" heaven.

You know what I hate?! Baseball. Maybe hate is the wrong word. I HATE cancer. I’m so incredibly apathetic toward baseball. I have not one ounce of caring inside me for any part of baseball. I am a fan of the drama and the majesty of sport but I can’t find any of that in baseball. And now we begin the long, drawn-out stretch of time where Sportscentre will feature uncomfortable amounts of baseball highlights. I’ve taken up a spirited interest in the Whitecaps this year, and hopefully that will keep me interested enough in soccer through the summer to allow me to completely ignore anything to do with baseball. Fingers crossed.