Hello to everyone reading this article. This is my first entry into the "Replace the KB" contest being held by The Province Sports, so I figured I would start things off with a bang. The next 3-4 weeks will see the internet flooded with articles from the 15 Province contestants, all with varying styles, and all of them very good writers. So how do I stand out you ask? Do I wave a gun and threaten to come to your house if you don’t vote for me? Well, that’s one idea, but apparently the Province lawyers have asked me not to use this approach. To be honest, most of my ideas used the threat of violence somehow, but I finally realized how I can gain your vote.. And how would that be you ask? Access. Plain and simple.
I have an amazing amount of access to players that nobody else has. I find things out nobody else knows. For instance, did you know the Canucks held their annual Halloween party on Thursday? I bet you didn’t.. Well I did, and I have all the pictures from the red carpet event to prove it. And I am willing to share them with you. All I ask in return, is that you code several programs to vote for my article repeatedly, harass my competitors at all times of the night, and swear allegiance to me until death, or at least until I move into a really nice house. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. And since by reading that last sentence you automatically agree to my contract (Province Lawyers Edit: No, it does not mean that), let’s continue on with the show!
Well as you can see here, Alex chose to go with Hannibal Lecter, a nice homage to the infamous "Bite me" incident of the 2011 playoffs. I don’t think you can see it from this angle, but Burrows has a severed finger he waves about, claiming it to be Patrice Bergeron’s. I was a bit saddened that Burrows didn’t go as the French Chef from Little Mermaid, but there’s always next year.
Well this is surprising, Brad Marchand got an invite to the Canucks party. It’s nice to see two former enemies come together like this. Even more surprising is how Marchand fit into that costume. What’s not surprising is that he is a pile of crap. But kudos to Brad Marchand, as we must never forget, he is a "Champian" of the world and they deserve our respect. Our crappy crappy respect.
Keith Ballard is up next and it looks….well this is a bit confusing, it looks like he just came from practice. I won’t lie, that is a bit lame to show up as yourself to a costume….wait a minute, nope, this explains it. He is wearing number 5, he is dressed up as Christian Ehrhoff. THAT explains how he has gotten a bit more ice time this year. Well played Mr. Ballard, well played. If Keith doesn’t win costume of the night, at least he can rest easy knowing a 10 million dollar offer from Buffalo is waiting for him around the corner.
The latest heart throb on the Canucks, David Booth, is here, and it looks like he dressed up as Justin Bieber. Might get a few female fans for that, but will probably lose some male ones. Wait, I’m being told that Booth is not wearing a costume, that this is just indeed his normal look. He apparently wakes up and his hair is just naturally like this. So what is David Booth’s costume you ask? "A guy playing in an actual hockey market for once" he tells us. Oh snap.
And up next we have…..oh……oh I see…….I don’t know if I need to say much about this one…..Alain Vigneault and Aaron Rome have come as Raggedy Anne and Andy……eesh…..moving on…..
It looks like Marco Sturm and Mikael Samuelsson are none the worse for wear as they have seemingly embraced the Florida lifestyle by dressing up as the guys from Miami Vice. Ok apparently Mikael told me to go **** myself, that’s a bit unfortunate. I liked him as a player here I just thought injuries and age were slowing him down, ok Mikael told me to go **** myself again. He should get some tips from Marco on how to be happy, ok there’s a third time Mikael has told me to **** myself. He needs to broaden his vocabulary.
This one is kind of fun, up next we have Johnny Toews, Captain Serious himself, dressed up as the Joker from Batman. That’s kind of amusing, I see what he’s trying to do here.Yup, he’s going up to Patrick Kane there and asking him "Why so serious?" Oh look, now he’s fake stabbing Patrick Kane, that’s pretty good, they put together an act- OK wait, Kane isn’t moving….that seems like an awful lot of fake blood…..Toews is now screaming and clawing at his face claiming he can "expose himself for what he really is" and oh, yep, he stabbed Dave Bolland now. Toews is on his knees, weeping, asking why people are so serious…..and here come the cops….Toews is now asking for Sharp, as he wants to "teach that shooting accuracy contest cheating ***** a lesson"…..aaaaaand here come the tasers. Blackhawk down. Nonetheless, A+ for the costume John.
And here comes Maxim Lapierre, dressed up as…..well it looks like nothing really. Let’s ask him what costu- Ok, so Maxim just slapped me in the face and claimed "Would you cover up the statue of David with a costume you insolent pig? Maxim is too sexy for a costume. People dress up as Maxim. I do not dress up as anyone." before walking away with three ladies on his arms. Fair enough.
Well here is Kesler wearing a bit more than the last time we saw him. He has upgraded from fully nude, to wearing a diaper. Which I guess is good. I enjoy how happy Kesler appears to be about this costume. He seems very proud. And if our Keslord is happy, I am happy.
Tim Thomas was invited? Wow, public enemy number one is here to pump some Canuck tires. Good on the Canucks for extending the invitation. Though I think I might see why the Bruins are struggling this year. Thomas appears to have put on some weight up top while at the same time losing an alarming amount of weight on his legs. His crash diet system appears to have finally caught up to him. Aside from that, full marks for dressing up as the girl from that Blind Melon video. I heard @burrowsgirl gave him the idea. Always nice to see Timmy take the advice from a local twitter celebrity.
Oh this is awkward. Ryan Nugent Hopkins was invited to the party, and as you can see, Mark Lee was arrested trying to crash the party. Apparently he actually bit Ryan, and is now claiming to the cops that he "just wanted a taste. One little taste." This is getting out of hand. Mark Lee, for shame! For shame!
And we save the best for last. This is just fantastic. Cory Schneider, Kevin Bieksa, and the Twins have re-created the infamous limo scene from a couple years back involving John Madden and Patrick Kane. It looks like Schneider has taken the role of John Madden, Bieksa is playing Patrick Kane, and the Twins are the two girls picked up by Kane. If there is a contest for best costume, I am pretty sure these two win it hands down. Uh oh, here comes Toews after Bieksa, he thinks he’s actually Patrick Kane, he is trying to stab- Oh no, Bieksa one punched him out cold. Excellent.
There we have it folks, your first look at the behind the scenes access I can bring you. Don’t forget I also actually write about hockey, but most of the time, I don’t take it TOO seriously. Unless it’s game day. Than I’m "that guy" screaming at the TV and kicking pillows around the room. Thanks for reading!