It’s been a while since we last talked. Try to be understanding, as this is a new position we’ve found ourselves in. It’s been 16 years since the Canucks dealt a core piece for futures at the trade deadline – acquiring Brendan Morrison and Denis Pederson for Alexander Mogilny in March of 2000. Unless you count the corner Vancouver painted themselves into with Luongo in 2013. And you shouldn’t. They don’t count if they aren’t planned for.

We’re a little unsure of how to go about this, so I’m just going to come out and say it. You need rental players, and we’ve got ‘em. Come and see how good they look!

Dan Hamhuis, Defence

Let’s start with the cream of the crop, community man Dan Hamhuis. He’s a top four defenceman, has playoff pedigree, is one of the nicest guys to have ever existed and now has a partially bionic face! Sure, Hamhuis wasn’t enjoying the most successful season before destroying his face, but reconstructive surgery appears to have righted more than his ability to chew food. In the five games since recovering from this most gruesome of injuries, Hamhuis has been the Canucks best defender.

These talents seem wasted on this franchise, so his services seem best used putting you over the hump, and who could be surprised? This defenceman did win a gold medal with Team Canada at the Olympics just two years ago. Need I remind you that Team Canada is awesome?

Let’s not forget about loyalty. This guy is such a good soldier, he doesn’t even want to leave! Heck, he thinks the Canucks should be buyers at the deadline. How adorable is that?

So step on up, teams that need top four defencemen. Washington, you might be stacked already, but imagine adding another puck mover to that blue line. Might even escape the second round for a change. He even has familiarity with your coach, Barry Trotz, being drafted by Nashville and all, the factory of fantastic defencemen.

Or how about you, Pittsburgh? Your defence corps is an absolute goddamn mess, so you’d better grab this guy before Washington does.

Dan Hamhuis is a bargain at 4.5 million dollars a year and he has plenty of playoff experience – he’s even been all the way to the Finals! Just don’t let him throw any hip checks if you get that far…

Radim Vrbata, Right Wing

Are you a team with goal scoring woes? How would you like to pick up a bonafide NHL sniper. This guy had 31 goals just one year ago! Sure, he’s been in a wee bit of a funk this season, but that’s only because he’s been forced to mentor kids all season instead of being placed with premier offensive players. Plus, that just means you can get him cheap! We’ll take a second rounder and a prospect that you only kind of like.

If you need a guy to kickstart your secondary scoring, Vrbata is your man. After being stuck with youngsters Bo Horvat and Sven Baertschi for an unbearably long period of time, Vrbata catalyzed the kids into becoming the Canucks hottest line, and all the while he didn’t even take any points for himself. Talk about a team player!

Sure, he hasn’t done much in the playoffs, but I can make excuses for that too. No points in nine games with Colorado? He was just 20 years old! A raw rookie getting bottom six minutes on a stacked team. 14 points in 27 games with the Coyotes? Come on, it’s Phoenix, what do you expect? Four points in six games last season with the Canucks? I blame the time his face got smashed into the dasher, which is probably responsible for him slowing down there (he’s totally fine now though).

Vrbata just needs a change of scenery, so who wants to add some extra scoring punch? Montreal, I know things are pretty much hopeless for you, but all the same why not toss a couple of assets our way and see if you can’t squeeze some goals out of Vrbata? God knows you need them.

Alex Burrows, Right Wing

If you’re looking for a guy who has a history of scoring big goals at opportune moments, look no further than Alex Burrows. Not only did he have two overtime winning goals in Vancouver’s 2011 playoff run, but they were both at the clutchiest of times. Eliminating a potential comeback in a game seven do-or-die overtime? Check. Fastest goal to start an overtime in the history of Stanely Cup Finals? Damn straight.

Maybe you have you’re own dragon to slay? Bad history in game sevens? Anaheim, we’re looking at you. Do you really want to lose to Chicago in the Conference Finals again, or do you want the guy that eliminated them in 2011?

Sure Burrows has said/done/bitten some stupid things, but who among us isn’t without flaws? Burrows is older and more mature now, a consummate professional and excellent leader in the dressing room. But he can still stir the pot when need be, if you want a little sandpaper. Young opponents getting a little too uppity? Burrows will push their heads right into the ice, even if they used to be his teammate!

Florida, you’d be a perfect match. He’s nice and old, so he’ll fit in with your “under 25 and over 35” rule (he’ll be 35 by the time the playoffs roll around), and you can never have too many former Canucks. We already gave up on Willie Mitchell and Roberto Luongo while they were still useful, so who’s to say that won’t happen again?

He does have one more year on a contract with iffy value, but have you seen that back-diving contract? Perfect for those teams who only want to pretend to spend near the cap.

Burrows can be had for the low, low price of a mid round draft pick or a prospect that you’ve given up on before you should have.

Yannick Weber, Defence

Ladies and gentlemen, this might be the best deal of the bunch. This is a power play quarterbacking defenceman who had 11 goals just one year ago, and is currently available for a discounted price.

Yannick Weber is a nimble blueliner with a booming slap shot, and a righty no less. So for those of you that like to run your power play for the right half-wall (and really, who doesn’t), get ready for a boatload of well placed one-timers.

It’s been a bit of a down year for Weber, but I’m pretty confident that we can chock that up to bad luck, errors in deployment, and inconsistent ice time. I also think he’s been pretty worried about the Canadian dollar, so getting him into an American market is probably gonna set him right in a hurry.

Perhaps a team like the Florida Panthers or New York Rangers, both in the playoff hunt but with abysmal power plays, would like pick one of the finest Swiss slap shots around?

Chris Higgins, Left Wing

We’re reaching deep, deep down into the bargain bin to find some hidden gems. Chris Higgins is another guy who’s been having a rough year, but he’s about due for a comeback. The strong two-way winger has six points in his last ten games! Granted, he’s playing in the AHL, but that can easily work to your benefit.

Without having to worry about waivers, you can take Chris Higgins on for the remainder of the season and plunk him straight on to your farm team! He won’t have to count against your 23 man roster limit, so it’s like having a bonus NHLer. When you run into injury troubles during your playoff run (and trust me, it’s a when, not an if), you’ve got a guy with playoff experience just waiting to be called up. Meanwhile, he’s teaching your future stars the ropes in the minors, so you know he’s got that leadership thing nailed.

But wait, there’s more. Are appearances important to you? Chris Higgins will impress both your male and female fans. Not only does he rock a six-pack, but he also grows one of the finest beards in professional hockey. Tell me you don’t want that on your playoff run.

Brandon Prust, Left Wing

Wow. I really might be saving the best for last here. The key word here is value. Brandon Prust can be had for next to nothing. Seriously, we’ll take pretty much anything for him, and we’ll eat as much salary as we’re allowed to. How can you pass that up?

Brandon Prust can do it all. He’ll fight your rookies, he’ll hug your opponents, he’ll trash talk on social media, and he’ll spear your worst enemy right in the testicles and show absolutely no remorse for it. This guy has character and grit written all over him. In fact, I’d think it was tattooed across his whole body if he weren’t for the fact that he disproved that notion by getting photographed in the nude multiple times.

There were some concerns about his ankle earlier, but we’re pretty confident that taking a nice long vacation has fixed that up. He comes with the same advantage as Chris Higgins in that he’s already cleared waivers, so you can let him go play with your kids until you absolutely have no one else to call but him.

Oh and if you’re big into fancy stats, Brandon Prust actually led the Canucks in points per 60 at one point in the year. You’ll be talking extension in no time.

Did I mention that we’d retain salary?

See Anything Else You Like?

Look, I probably shouldn’t even be saying this, because I haven’t cleared it with the higher ups, but I think you should consider putting in an offer on Matt Bartkowski. The guy can skate like the wind, and that’s big in today’s game.

Sure, he was a healthy scratch pretty frequently in Boston, but that’s over now. Bartkowski couldn’t play himself out of the lineup if he tried (and I’m pretty sure he has). I know that Willie Desjardins and Jim Benning have a pretty strong affinity for this guy, but that shouldn’t prevent you from trying to blow their socks off. Just put in the best offer you can throw together and who knows, maybe you could wrestle him out of our hands.

Plus, have you seen his mom? She alone would make acquiring him worth any price.

We’ve also got some other stragglers. Maybe you’ve heard of Linden Vey? He was drafted by the L.A. Kings, and they’re got an excellent draft record. The Canucks managed to pry him away from Los Angeles and just look where he is now.

Vey is a go to guy on the first power play unit, a staple after T.V. timeouts, and he even sees more ice than Henrik Sedin from time to time. That’s right! Henrik Sedin, the Canucks all-time leading point scorer. I mean, how good must this Vey kid be? He even pulls his weight on his line, and I have pretty graphics to prove it.

Despite having a myriad of uses, you could have Linden Vey, future star, for only a second round pick, the price we paid for him in the first place.

So there you have it. A bevy of available players is before you, and can be had for some very reasonable prices. Just give us your draft picks, give us your young players. You’re heading to the Stanley Cup playoffs after all, you won’t be needing those!

If you see anything else you like, don’t hesitate to ask! This is a fire sale, and everything must go, provided that they are over the age of 27 and do not have an identical twin.

This could be your year! Your window could be closing! Don’t let this opportunity go to waste!

Sincerely yours,

Jeremy Davis and the Canucks Army team.