May the Fourth: The Vancouver Canucks, recast as Star Wars characters
9 months ago
It’s May the Fourth, and you know what that means. We’re here to recast the Star Wars universe with your Vancouver Canucks.
Elias Pettersson IS Anakin Skywalker
Both Elias and Anakin were dubbed the “Chosen One” early on, though both also attracted plenty of doubters. Both quickly ascended to a rank of mastery and made it look easy. Both are known for their aloofness. There’s even a passing resemblance to be found. But make no mistake, either way, “Anakin” is merely a transitional phase. Pettersson is well on his way to becoming Darth Vader, a figure feared all throughout the galaxy/league.
JT Miller IS Han Solo
Scruffy. Cocky. Short-tempered. Fully aware of how great he is. Someone who wants to play the “a-hole,” but can’t help but step up into heroism when the time calls for it. JT is Han Solo to a “T,” right down to the lucrative contract it took to keep Harrison Ford around.
Quinn Hughes IS Luke Skywalker
Both Quinn and Luke came into the picture as incredibly important, but relatively meek figures. Despite neither looking much like an action star, both developed into leaders all the same and demonstrated the sort of natural skill that can only come from midichlorians. Hughes didn’t train with Yoda in a swamp on Dagobah, but he did train with the Tkachuk brothers, who both look like Muppets.
Thatcher Demko IS Lobot
Demko has some striking similarities to Lando Calrissian’s computer-brained bestie, Lobot. Both are largely silent, but always watching, and secretly running things on the back-end. Neither of them shows much emotion, regardless of the situation. Both are easily distinguishable by their unique headgear.
Andrei Kuzmenko IS Grogu
The new kid, known for his adorability and surprisingly quick grasp of the skills required to thrive in a world of bounty hunters and mercenaries. Everyone thinks Andrei and Grogu are cute, even though their behaviour can occasionally lapse into the befuddling and disturbing. Both seem unlikely to ever truly grow up. Both love snacks and will do anything to get them.
Tyler Myers IS Jar Jar Binks
Lanky, uncoordinated, and prone to small mistakes that spiral into catastrophic consequences, Tyler absolutely has to be Jar Jar Binks. (And we’re not even going to get into neck-length.) Meesa can’t wait for that bombad signing bonus!
Dakota Joshua IS Wrecker
Like Wrecker of the Bad Batch, Joshua looks like a bruiser, and is a bruiser, but also demonstrates a surprising abundance of depth and softness. In Wrecker’s case, they’re soft emotions, and in Dakota’s case, they’re soft hands.
Anthony Beauvillier IS Boba Fett
We still haven’t heard nearly enough from either of these two to get a true sense of their personality. Beauvillier arrived in town as a cap dumped mercenary who was only ever expected to play a bit role, and yet every time fans see him, they really like what they see, and that’s potentially made Beauvillier a much bigger part of the picture moving forward…just like everyone’s favourite bounty hunter.
Nils Hoglander IS R2-D2
Small, squat, and easy to underestimate. Both Hoglander and R2-D2 hide a good amount of attitude, bordering on nastiness, underneath their unassuming surface. Both have great success facing down much larger antagonists.
Collin Delia IS Clone Trooper-1807
Just give it a few years, and Delia will fade into the ranks of barely-remembered and barely distinguishable backup goaltenders. He’s a “clone” of troopers like Richard Bachman, Anders Nilsson, and Curtis Sanford, all temporarily valued and then highly disposable.
Conor Garland IS Young Anakin Skywalker
“I’ll try spinning, that’s a good trick!”
Brock Boeser IS Finn
Boeser was supposed to be at the core of what Canucks fans hoped was at least a trilogy of great seasons. Like Finn, Boeser got shuffled off to the side somewhere along the way, missing out on his chance to develop into a true Jedi, and now relegated to being little more than a supporting character.
Oliver Ekman-Larsson IS General Grievous
A used-to-be badass who is now a patchwork of surgery and artificial parts? Someone who came in with a lot of promise, but never seems to be on the winning side of things? Someone who is constantly outflanked by faster Jedi/forwards? Yeah, that’s OEL, for sure.
Ilya Mikheyev IS Captain Phasma
A (literal) shiny new toy that looked amazing at the outset of this last season/trilogy, only to…suddenly disappear, never to be heard from again. Or, at least, not until 2023/24.
Filip Hronek IS C-3PO
A protocol acquisition supposedly fluent in over six million forms of right-handed defence, but who can’t seem to keep all his limbs attached long enough to really be a part of the action.
Kyle Burroughs IS Biggs Darklighter
A hometown buddy who may ultimately be a small-scale supporting character, but who is always ready to back up his friends in a scrap, no matter how sizeable the opponent may be.
Ethan Bear IS Din Djarin
Because everybody likes Ethan Bear. Even if he’s at his very best alongside other, more important defenders/Mandalorians, playing a supporting role.
Jim Rutherford IS Emperor Palpatine
Because everyone thought he was retired/disintegrated, but somehow, Rutherford returned.
Rick Tocchet IS Mon Mothma
Because he got a rag-tag group of rebellious hockey players together to blow up the Death Star*.
*Canucks’ draft lottery odds.
Okay, that’s it. We’ve fully run out of steam. We may not have got to all the Canucks, but real quickly, we will say that Vasily Podkolzin is Max Rebo, Nils Aman is Wedge Antilles, Vitali Kravtsov is Bib Fortuna, Sheldon Dries is Salacious B. Crumb, Jack Studnicka is Tarfful, and Phil di Giuseppe is Therm Scissorpunch. And, no, we will not be elaborating.
May the force be with you.
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