“I’m gonna go with f*ck myself” — Graphic Guide to the SC Final

That pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it?

Seriously, is there a worse possible match-up out there, if you’re a Canucks fan? If there is, I’m at a loss. Of course, as a Canucks fan, that’s my natural state of being.

Well, now that I think about it, Leafs/Oilers would seriously suck. As would Leafs/Flam…hahahahaha. Sorry, couldn’t keep a straight face for that one.

Anyway, back to the Bobby Orr Series? er, Phil Esposito Series?…hmmm, just what are we going to call this series anyway?

Well, as highly improbable as it seems, given that these two franchises were part of the Original Six, they have never met in the Stanley Cup Final in the history of the NHL. So, this is truly the rarest of Stanley Cup Finals. You know what else is rare? Large meteors hitting the earth:

Maybe we could call it the Act of God Series?

Ok, ok. I’m joking.

The fact is, I don’t like either of these teams, and I’m pretty sure that the majority of you Canucks fans out there feel the same way. I mean, how do you choose between them:

Even today, two years later, Jonathan Toews still says he’s glad the Canucks didn’t win in 2011.

Seriously? Get over it man. It’s just a game. Jeez.

Try and lighten up a bit, dude. It’s not healthy. I get kind of concerned that if you lose again this year, you’ll jump off a bridge. Or maybe drive your car into a pole. Again.

See, the thing is, while I hate the idea of Toews or Kane or Keith or, ugh, Bolland, hoisting the Cup again, if I squint my eyes and think really conceptually, I maybe could live with the idea, just the idea, mind you, of the Blackhawks, as an abstract entity, winning the Cup this year. But, I just don’t think it’s going to happen for poor old Captain Serious.

As I said going into the Conference Finals a couple of weeks ago, I think the Boston Bruins are the complete package:

The Bruins clearly have what it takes to win in today’s NHL.

But either way, we still don’t have a definitive name for this series.

There’s one more idea out there that’s shown some promise. I forget where I saw it, but someone made a food-based comparison saying it’s Chicago deep dish pizza vs Boston clam chowder. If you ask me, that one is quite apt:

But it just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue though, does it. No. We need something a little more catchy.

I think I’ve got it! Let the Two Hurls, One Cup Series begin.

 

…the search of a new head coach continues apace.

No, they didn’t get Dallas Eakins. Yes, they’re interviewing seemingly every living coach with NHL experience out there. Big deal. Look, as long as they don’t go out in the plaza in front of Rogers Arena and interview Roger Nielson’s statue, I’m ok with how long they take. It only makes sense to gather as much information as possible on approaches to coaching in the NHL. Plus, the guy they really want is John Stevens, who was pretty busy up until about a week ago.

So relax. It’s the off-seaon. At least Gillis isn’t off tuna fishing in Panama this year, right?

Anyway, it’s not like the new coach is going to matter all that much. Whoever they pick is likely to have little impact on the on-ice results relative to the players themselves:

Sure, there might be another Scotty Bowman out there. But I’ll be ok with whomever they bring in as long as it’s not another Bill Laforge.