From the Balcony: Dementia is no laughing matter

Waldorf: Hey Statsler, wake up. Says here that the Canucks traded Hunter Shinkaruk to the Flames for Markus Granlund.

Statsler: Wait what? That Jim Benning is full of surprises. I know he doesn’t score a lot of goals, but Granlund is a legitimate top six centre on a good team, and with the Wild in the playoff race, I’m really surprised they’d move him for a prospect. Even one of Shinkaruk’s pedigree.

Waldorf: No, you dummy. They traded him for Markus Granlund, not Mikael Granlund.

Statsler: Well, that makes more sense. He’s awful. 

Waldorf: To be honest, I don’t even remember seeing him. What’s his biggest weakness? 

Statsler: Hockey.

Waldorf: Ha ha ha! That one gets me every time.

Statsler: I’m kind of sad to see that Shinkaruk kid go, though. Hunter, we hardly knew ya.

Waldorf: Yeah, here was a kid that was finally showing a little offensive flair, but apparently he didn’t score his goals “the right way” according to old Jimbo.

Statsler: What a maroon.

Waldorf: What, he traded for Pat Maroon too? Did we finally send Sbisa back to Anaheim where he belongs?

Statsler: Time to change the batteries in your hearing aid you buffoon.

Waldorf: Didn’t he just re-sign in Winnipeg? Was this trade a three-way?

Statsler: No, you old fool, that was Bufyglien. But that reminds me of that time Raquel Welch was on the show…

Waldorf: Now let’s switch gears to the Philip Larsen trade. Statsler, what’s your take on this one?

Statsler: Benning strikes me as the type of guy who likes to know what he’s dealing with. Fifth round picks are lottery tickets with a very low chance of landing a legitimate NHL defender. Why take on that uncertainty when you can trade that pick for a guy that we know isn’t an NHL defender? 

Waldorf: Well, he was an NHL defender.

Statsler: Yeah, so was Cam Barker.

Waldorf: You got a point there.

Statsler: I mean, if he wanted to improve his blueline all he would have had to do is pick one of the half dozen better defensemen that have cleared waivers in the last few months.

Waldorf: Or the kept the one that didn’t…

Statsler: Look, maybe we’re being too harsh. Benning played the game and he’s got some guy that went to Harvard giving him advice. If those guys don’t think Corrado was good enough for the Canucks, then who are we to judge? What dummies claimed him, anyway? 

Waldorf: The team run by Lou Lamorello, Mike Babcock, and Brendan Shanahan.

Statsler: I’ll be right back. Putting my head in the oven. 

Waldorf: So how would you sum up Benning’s tenure so far?

Statsler: Well, you know the lady in 302 who talks to her cat all day, except she really doesn’t have a cat?

Waldorf: Ya…

Statsler: The Canucks would be better off having her run the team than Jim Benning and Trevor Linden. 

Waldorf: Statsler, dementia is no laughing matter

Statsler: Neither are the Canucks!

Waldorf: You’re not wrong there.

Statsler: That’s because I’m not Jim Benning.

Waldorf: I wish we were wrong more. 

[Statsler sighs]