Embrace the Hate: BlackHawkDL Troll Post
12 years ago
Editors note: The following is the first entry into our "Embrace the Hate" competition. It’s written by Chicago Blackhawks blogger Kelly Reardon of BlackhawksDL.com and Puckdrunklove.com. Like most Blackhawks fans, Reardon is none of fond of the Canucks and their diving, whining antics. Check it out:
By Kelly Reardon:
Oh, you Vancouver Canucks. Where to even begin trolling you?
I could start with your players. Your freakish, Shining-starring, bunk bed sharing, telekinetic, Mars Attacks!-esque giant headed, ginger, creepy Swedish twins? Nah, there’s been better twins in Vancouver. Or maybe your crybaby, herpa derp, volatile, signed-for-all-eternity-but-can-never-put-it-all-together-for-a-Cup goalie? Nah. Too easy. Plus, it’s all been said before. Well, there is your finger biting, hair pulling, diving instructor of a douchecanoe. Still too easy. The nutless wonder? Robin, the Boy Wonder?
Hmm, what about Ryan Kesler? Obnoxiously good hockey player. Treacherously plays for easily the most hated Canadian team as an American. Makes it difficult not to like him by Keslurking. No. I’ll resist trolling on Ryan Kesler. Plus, I’ll do anything to keep him from taking more naked pictures for ESPN. YOUR THIGHS STILL HAUNT ME. However, Kes must have some magic juju or something going on to make a grown adult carve his naked likeness into a jack-o-lantern. That person needs to get a fucking grip.
How about your offseason moves? Owen Nolan would be a great start. I mean, let’s see, what’s missing from this lineup that could put the Canucks over the edge? YES. A 200 year old Irish fossil that is essentially a corpse taped into hockey gear. EVERY Cup winning club has THAT. Marco Sturm? You mean the Marco Sturm that has only 25% of his limbs functioning correctly at one time? The same Marco Sturm you graciously gave two and a half weeks of the season to make an impact? I will compliment your move of letting Christian Erhoff wander away to get that ridiculous contract out in Buffalo. You even managed to get some garbage back in return for a pre-July 1st trade.
How about your organization as a whole? There’s an intriguing argument. Let’s look at the organization through unbiased glasses. (Shut up, I can be unbiased, just listen you idiot.) You have world class talent up and down your roster. My previous three paragraphs notwithstanding, the Sedins, Kesler, Burrows, Bieksa, and Luongo are all outstanding players that any team would be thankful to have. (See? Told you I could be objective.) Hell, your backup goalie is better than anyone in the Phoenix Coyotes system. Okay, maybe that’s not saying much.
You have a great coach, who by all indications is a smart man, teaching the game well and continually seeks the improvement of his hockey club. Same with your General Manager. They have a clear desire to win, and more importantly, a desire to do what’s needed to give the club every possible opportunity to obtain the one goal every team sets out with at the start of every NHL season.
So why does everyone who isn’t a Canucks fan hate this franchise?
Because everyone in the organization is a petulant, whiny, butthurt, entitled brat.
You heard me.
Narcissistic.
Egotistical.
Silver spoon dangling out the mouth.
Webster’s Dictionary example of spoiled brat.
You bitch and moan and complain about EVERYTHING. Supposed bad or missed penalty calls. The size of Byfuglien’s ass. An opposing goaltender not pumping Luongo’s ego enough. Deserved suspensions. The style of play of an opposing goaltender. Your stars being body checked. Being asked questions about your goaltender and lying about them to protect his fragile infantile mind. Blaming the NHL for your own city’s inability to protect your own citizens from themselves. Laughably stating that the riots where caused by a group of anarchists instead of clearly being an alcohol fueled (and misguided, but accurate) demonstration by your fans, showing their extreme displeasure with the franchise at that moment in time.
I mean, for fuck’s sake, every franchise has their moments of crying and complaining. It happens to everyone, especially when they’re frustrated. But, please, for the love of whatever deity you worship, STOP IT.
The NHL is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and you’re fucking Carlton. When things don’t go your way, you cry to your rich daddy to make it all better. Then daddy blames everyone else BUT YOU. Hate to break it to you kids, the Canucks losses are their own damn fault. It’s not because Byfuglien taunts you (hilariously). It’s not because Timmy Thomas plays outside of the paint. It’s not because Aaron Rome got suspended. It’s not because an official missed a call.
It’s because your players believe they’re entitled to the Stanley Cup. They feel they’ve already earned it. “We have all the talent,” they say. “We’ve destroyed all the competition throughout the season,” they say. “Why can’t we just win the Cup?” they ask.
That’s the problem. What they should be asking is “How can I make myself play better?” “How can I make myself stronger, so I can drive through those checks and clutches and grabs to still get that scoring chance (ya know, instead of diving)?” “How can I improve my mental toughness so I can laugh at an opponent that shoves a finger in my face, mocking me?”
But no. “How can I draw a penalty easily?” “How can I try to manipulate the league and the officials to be favorable to us?” “What can I say to an official to get him on my side?” These are the questions being pondered instead.
I’m not the first person to say all these things to you. Maybe I’m the bluntest? Either way, you guys all know this is true. I guarantee you, if the Canucks stopped fucking complaining about every little thing in the world and just focused on playing hockey and doing their jobs, man, that Cup will be in Vancouver lickity split.
You know what though? I’m not worried about that. Because until the entire organization above the players gets an overhaul and is the recipient of a massive attitude change, you’ll always be the same.
Some team will find a way to embarrassingly knock you out of the playoffs.
Some player will haunt your dreams and hang out drinking that crisp champ with Byfuglien & Thomas.
Some other fanbase will continue to laugh their collective asses off at your misfortune and revel in it.
Some other franchise will have the honor of lifting that beautiful shiny trophy that you’ve been so hilariously pursuing, have been oh-so-close to obtaining and yet oh-so-far.
I’m glad you guys got to feel good for eliminating the Hawks last year by the skin of your nutsacks because it won’t happen this year. Go ahead. Save that. Put a pin in it. Whatever. Because I’m right. And you know it. You’ll once again find some way to hilariously fail in your pursuit of hockey’s Holy Grail.
So treasure that sweet moment when Burrows was able to take a weak clearing attempt by notable awful defenseman Chris Campoli and rocket a slapshot past a mentally and physically exhausted Corey Crawford. Remember how good it felt to pile on top of each other along the boards while the confetti that every other franchise saves for the Stanley Cup rained down upon you. Treasure the taste of the champagne that should be saved for drinking out of the Cup for the entire summer. And most of all, continue convincing yourself that you’ve “vanquished your demons” by winning that series.
Because you’re wrong. And every other NHL franchise and every other fanbase will continue to find orgasmic joy in your failings both in the past and future.
Go scratch you petulant, entitled brats.
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