With all the craziness yesterday about the NHL formally submitting a bid for the Phoenix Coyotes, I found myself wondering what, exactly qualifies someone to submit a bid for an franchise.

As it happens, there are probably at least eight qualifications that the NHL uses to gauge whether or not you are qualified to own an NHL team. At least, that’s at least as many as I figured out before I stopped caring.

It’s the most important consideration, I bet, and I’d imagine that goes for any sports league. I remember back when the Red Sox were up for sale back in the first few years of this decade, and I think the current owners submitted a bid of over $700 million dollars, which was substantially more than the $2,200 I offered. I guess I get why this is an important factor, but, because the league has repeatedly told Jim Balsillie to take a hike despite his large bids, it can’t be the only one.

Remember, the NHL Board of Governors recently rejected Jim Balsillie’s bid for the Coyotes, which is considerably greater than some of the other bids that have been kicked around over the last few months, on the grounds that he didn’t seem like a nice person. Well, the term was that he lacked the “character and integrity” to own an NHL team. For real. He can’t hang with regular nice guys like Charles Wang, who underreported TV ad revenues so he could pocket more money while keeping the team terrible. He can’t hold a candle to a stand-up guy like Eugene Melnyk, whose company maybe could’ve bribed doctors to prescribe an experimental drug it was putting out (charges here in the US are pending) and also possibly defrauding insurance companies over the value of a truck that crashed by anywhere from 2.5-5 times its actual worth. Y’know, real gentlemen like that.

This is HUGE, and it’s a yes/no question. I’m sure the application paperwork reads, “Are you Canadian?” Answering in the affirmative gets you sent straight to the reject pile no questions asked.

Sure, Phoenix has repeatedly shown that it has no interest whatever in attending hockey games, for any number of reasons. The most often-cited is that the Coyotes don’t actually play in Phoenix, but rather Glendale, which is, they say, a bit out of the way for Phoenix residents. And if you’ve never been to Phoenix, then this might sound like a logical argument. But I have, and Glendale is very close to the city. Google Maps says it’s just over 14 miles. BY HIGHWAY. This is like if the NHL cried over lack of attendance at Flames games because the rink was, by way of comparative distance and travel time, in Chestermere.

Sure, the Coyotes are losing money by the bucketful and are unlikely to turn a profit any time in the next billion years thanks to a number of factors which boil down largely to crumminess of team and market. But how good of an owner you are depends largely upon how willing you are to live life on the red side of the ledger (are ledgers separated into sides? I don’t know). If you’ll suffer the indignity and financial burden of losing something like $40 million a season for forever, on top of your already-hefty bid, then you’re an ideal candidate.

If the answer is only “maybe,” then you’re fine.

No problem, buddy, come on in.

This is apparently very important. If you have high hopes that you’ll land an NHL franchise, please do not be a person that invented a piece of technology that changed the way we think about cell phones. This is the kind of thing that makes an interviewer frown across his desk at you before sighing deeply and checking “No” on a single sheet of paper held to a clipboard.