Canucks Week in Tweets – Feb. 29th

Nevermind the Canucks, you pretended to like DANE COOK for someone?!?! That is unforgivable. Un. For. Giv. A. Ble. DO YOU HAVE NO SELF-RESPECT?!

Wait a minute, I thought we got Zack Kassian to be TOUGH! He won’t fight a barely- 4th-liner whose only job it is to goad better players into fights in a tight game against a Conference rival? What was Mike Gillis doing?!?!

Not only would Cody Hodgson have accepted the fight and beat the hell out of BizNasty, he would’ve scored from the penalty box! I’m so depressed.

Who is “we”? I’d be careful throwing those sorts of words out there, as last time I checked, Vancouver is pretty Canadian. In fact, it was the site of probably the most “Canadian” event of all-time, the 2010 Winter Olympics, and even if you can’t accept that the Canucks are a Canadian team, geography can. If Canada truly is the home of hockey, you better start liking the Canucks and accepting they are Canadian, otherwise you might be waiting for a Canadian Stanley Cup for some time, my friend.

You don’t like watching your team play more hockey? Are you fundamentally damaged? You’re getting more hockey for free! And we get a guaranteed point! Get real! The shootout? That I can give you, I mean, Roberto Luongo IS our goaltender, after all. But overtime? It’s what dreams are made of. Think of it like the Canucks are just practicing for the playoffs. Getting the stanchions warmed up and all that. You know.

Wearing a pink Canucks jersey is bullying. Bullying your own soul.

What ad thinks it says: CELEBRATE THE CANUCKS GAME BY ORDERING PIZZA WITH YOUR BUDDIES AND HAVING A GREAT TIME

What ad really says: CELEBRATE PRICE GOUGING AND INCREDIBLY MEDIOCRE PIZZA RUINING YOUR GAME DAY EXPERIENCE

What is a woman’s “pageant”? Is this some sort of slang term I’ve never heard before? It sounds awful. And expensive. Alyssa, I wouldn’t recommend this sort of thing, especially not from a bozo who doesn’t understand that your hockey fandom makes you even more babely.

I bet you look incredibly good in blue and green. Just a guess. The only thing fraudulent here is this guy’s attempt at making it seem like he’s somehow not physically attracted to Miss USA.

Well, it was two days ago. Twitter seems to be a media platform for talking about current affairs, and the trade literally happened two days ago, and no one predicted it. I love how we’re still talking about it, too. Since it’s still relevant. Unlike your team’s whole season.

Oh, and how’s Christian Ehrhoff working out for you? Ville Leino? Robyn Regehr? Hell, how about saint Ryan Miller? Derek Roy? The season in general? In Canucks Land, we hashtag #WellDoneDarcy as well, though it’s wholly sarcastic.

I dunno, maybe the Sedins? They have led the league in scoring back-to-back seasons and are widely known as two of the more fluid, entertaining players in the game. It’s just a thought.

Caitlyn, I enjoy the spelling of your name. My sister shares the same unique way of spelling it. I appreciate your love for Cody Hodgson, and so I feel like it is my duty to gently inform you that you are doing it wrong.

I like CoHo, really do, but the reality is that he’s the enemy now. He’s done a horrible, terrible thing, by being traded to another team, and not just any other team, but the scuzzy, grimy home-of-Patrick-Kane Buffalo Sabres. When a city produces Patrick Kane, you know the city has a problem. When a city is the home of the Buffalo Bills – you know it has a problem. When a city is so desperate for any shred of a unique identity that it pretends to have invented chicken wings (you see, we renamed hot sauce Buffalo sauce, and that’s the sauce on the wings – so we invented it) – you know it has a problem. And now Cody Hodgson is part of that problem. He will score no goals this Saturday, or ever again, if you’re cheering for the Canucks properly.

But you’re not. So Caitlyn, congratulations on receiving the You’re Doing It Wrong Tweet of the Week!