It’s becoming more and more apparent by the day – at least to this author’s overly optimistic eyes – that this current edition of the Vancouver Canucks is a team of destiny. They may not be ready to make a lengthy playoff run in 2020, but those days are coming soon – and they will be glorious. With our eyes set on future championships, we at CanucksArmy have decided to get ahead of the game and start planning for the celebration. These days, Vancouver is known as Hollywood North, and that means there will almost certainly be a movie made about the Canucks whenever they do reach hockey’s ultimate glory – and we’re here to cast that movie.
For the most part, we’ve limited ourselves to modern day thespians – though we’ve borrowed the time machine that Edmonton Oilers fans use to experience happiness in order to pluck a couple of irresistible actors from the sands of time. You may not agree with all of the choices, but that’s show business – and we’re happy to accept any alternate castings in the comments below.
Mark Ruffalo is as green as it gets – famous both for his portrayal of Marvel’s jade giant and for being outspoken on the issue of climate change. As such, he’s the perfect candidate to portray head coach Travis Green – and they also share a resemblance that is more uncanny than those mutants the Hulk has been known to pal around with.
Sometimes, casting agents have to play to the crowd. While this author has let their opinion of Jim Benning‘s true intelligence be known, it’s undeniably that the average hockey fan likely thinks of the Canucks’ GM as a dumb guy, and that’s why we’ve cast Jeff Daniels of Dumb and Dumber fame – plus a copious amount of black dye – in the role of Benning.
It’s tricky to cast such an ethereal being as Elias Pettersson, and so we’re forced to dip into the recent past and pluck out a very specific, post-Home Alone version of Macaulay Culkin to portray the young superstar. Culkin already has Pettersson’s trademark smirk down, and the Wet Bandits know that he can be just as tricky and deceptive as Pettersson on the ice.
Not only is the resemblance between a young Robert Redford and the current Brock Boeser too obvious to ignore, there are also some important character-based similarities to consider. Both are American dreamboats, individuals of upstanding moral integrity, and natural-born leading men – and Canucks fans can only hope that Boeser continues to age as gracefully as Redford has.
It isn’t often that an actor is cast solely for their head-shape, but it’s a necessary requirement for anyone hoping to portray the fearless leader of the Vancouver Canucks. Nick Robinson of Jurassic World fame might look a lot younger than Bo Horvat, but the two were actually born just a couple of weeks apart. We’ll still have to insist that Robinson puts on some significant bulk for the role – though CGI may be required to reach Horvat’s nigh-superhuman levels of fitness.
A lot of people suggested that JT Miller looked like Christian Bale, but we just don’t see it without Bale pulling off one of his trademark physical transformations. Instead, we’ve selected lesser-known actor Diego Boneta, who recently appeared in Terminator: Dark Fate and looks more than a little like Miller from certain angles.
Tanner Pearson isn’t the fleetest forward of foot, but we’re casting TV’s The Flash for the part anyway. Grant Gustin would have to be willing to put on some serious bulk for the role, but he’s got the same boyish charm that Pearson carries with him – and his strong performances are about as infrequent as Pearson’s.
We may not need the time machine to cast Tobey Maguire as Jake Virtanen, but the role is going to require some of that age-defying CGI that is becoming commonplace in Hollywood. No other actor could properly capture #ShotgunJake’s smarmy swagger – and, as an added bonus, this casting almost guarantees a mid-film Virtanen dance sequence, and who wouldn’t want that?
In casting the only non-white role of the production, we wanted to pick someone of the appropriate background – but also someone who can perfectly capture Micheal Ferland‘s stoic violence. Enter Blair Redford, most recognizable for his turn as Thunderbird in TV’s The Gifted. He may be a fair bit older than Ferland, but he sure doesn’t look it – probably because he doesn’t get punched in the face as often in his line of work.
Oliver Jackson-Cohen isn’t a household name – with his greatest success to date being a lengthy stint on a TV version of Dracula and a featured role in The Haunting of Hill House – but he bears a striking resemblance to Josh Leivo and that’s good enough for us. After all, this film is going to have to save on the budget somewhere.
The acting career of former NSYNC member Lance Bass has been a limited one – and consists almost entirely of playing himself in various cameos – but he bore an uncanny resemblance to Adam Gaudette when he was younger, right down to the oversized grin. We’ll hire him an acting coach and employ a little age-defying CGI – or the good ol’ time machine, if necessary – to prep Bass for the role of the Canuck most likely to be in a boy band.
Adam Gaudette won’t be the only player portrayed by a former boy band star. The role of superpest Antoine Roussel goes to Drew Lachey, most famous for being in 98 Degrees and being Nick Lachey’s brother. Drew’s acting experience is limited, and his French accent is presumably atrocious – so we might need to hire someone else to dub their voice over top of his scenes, which will almost certainly be action-heavy.
Anyone currently watching HBO’s Watchmen has no doubt noticed a skinny similarity between Vancouver’s own Brandon Sutter and Dustin Ingram‘s portrayal of Agent Petey – though the actor would have to demonstrate the ability to grow facial hair before we officially offered him the role. Or, as Sutter would put it, “Grow some balls.” Anyone not currently watching Watchmen should stop reading this article and go watch it.
Loui Eriksson may be a dead ringer for the Christopher Reeve version of Superman, but he plays a lot more like the Henry Cavill version – stiff, stagnant, and occasionally sporting a mustache that makes everyone uncomfortable. It may not be worth busting out the time machine for what will hopefully be a minor role, but we’ll leave Kal-El lying somewhere in the sands of time when we’re done.
Jay Beagle is a lot of fun in the room, and so we’ve had to reach out to a well-known – albeit highly problematic – character actor in Rob Schneider. The two share both a love of laughter and exceptionally rubbery faces – and, this season anyway, Beagle and linemate Tim Schaller are enjoying some chemistry in the same vein as Schneider and frequent co-star Adam Sandler. In addition, Beagle shares a name with an animal – and Schneider starred in The Animal.
This author actually thinks that Tyler Motte looks like the lovechild of Captain America and Iron Man, but since we’re not allowed to cast fictional chimeras we’ll have to stick with the Avenger that Motte more closely resembles – Chris Evans. Some might question the wisdom of hiring one of the biggest names in Hollywood to play a frequently injured fourth liner, but that’s a problem for accounting to worry about.
Tim Schaller was a tricky individual to cast, mostly because his face looks wildly different depending on the angle one is observing it from. With that in mind, we’re playing it safe with the multifaceted Simon Helberg – perhaps best known for his role in the dreadful Big Bang Theory, but who can typically be found playing a bit role in various comedies. He’s a real “fourth liner” of an actor, if you catch our meaning.
Dolph Lundgren may be most recognized for his portrayal of the Russian Ivan Drago, but he’s actually as Swedish as it gets – and who better to portray Alex Edler than a tough, grizzled, and yet still ruggedly handsome veteran actor? If you can’t quite see the resemblance, check out Edler’s recent staredown of New Jersey’s Blake Coleman – and then dub in a line like “If he dies, he dies.” It’s an appropriate casting, too, given than Edler is enjoying a career of seemingly Balboa-esque length.
The coveted role of Troy from Richmond goes to another young person who tends to do their best work on Saturday nights – SNL‘s Pete Davidson. They’re both 25, both equally capable of “serving face,” and Davidson definitely has the comedy chops to make him a fan favourite – a status that Troy Stecher has long-since gained from his fellow British Columbians.
The casting of Tyler Myers requires an actor of significant stature – and we’re not talking about Academy Awards. A truly larger-than-life individual is needed to fully capture Myers’ gargantuan proportions, and so we’ve selected Joonas Suotamo – the 6’11” behemoth currently occupying the Chewbacca suit for the Star Wars franchise.
We’re going to be honest here – this author does not see the resemblance between Quinn Hughes and Zach Braff. However, the internet at large certainly seems to think they look similar, and so we’ve bowed to popular demand on this casting choice – after all, we don’t want to end up at the center of another Sonic the Hedgehog-style controversy.
Any actor can grow a beard for a role, but only a chosen few can grow a beard as rugged as Jordie Benn – and so we’ve had to wander beyond Hollywood and into the land of professional sports to cast Conor McGregor for the part of the hometown hero. Benn has a far more even-keel than the notoriously noxious McGregor – so it might be a big ask for an individual with very little acting experience.
The fresh face of Chris Tanev hasn’t been seen in a number of years, but Penguins fans were recently talking about how much the newly-signed Brandon Tanev looks like a young Al Pacino – and so, that must mean there’s also some resemblance between Vancouver’s Tanev and the classically intimidating actor. Pacino must be willing to grow out his hair and a beard for the gig.
The role of Jacob Markstrom is a key one, and so we’re handing it off to a veteran Hollywood legend – Kevin Bacon. We’re going to require Mr. Bacon to grow a beard for the role, which may make the application of age-defying CGI a little tricky – but it’s worth it to have “Six Degrees of Swedish Goaltenders” at the center of our production.
Thatcher Demko was one of the toughest individuals to find a Hollywood doppelganger for, which is ironic from the only Canuck to actually hail from California. James McAvoy only really resembles Demko when he’s sporting a beard, and even then it’s a tentative thing – but McAvoy has the acting chops to make up for it with his performance.
Don’t like our picks? Sound off with your own in the comments!