The holiday season is upon us once again, and it’s the end of a year full of both naughty and nice for the Vancouver Canucks. As a whole, the Canucks weren’t on their best behaviour in 2018, but there was plenty of good from individual players and thus plenty of reason to hand out some stocking stuffers.
However the members of the Vancouver Canucks celebrate this time of year, here’s what they’ll really be wishing for over the holidays. (With tongue planted firmly in cheek, of course.)
What can you get for the man who has—and can do—everything? Reese’s Pieces? Commercial-specific acting lessons? Mike Matheson on the end of an Erik Gudbranson uppercut? Pettersson is practically on another plane of existence right now, so he’s impossible to shop for.
Fighting lessons from Gino Odjick and headlocking lessons from Brian Burke.
Two captain’s patches—one for his Vancouver jersey, and one for his Pacific Division All-Stars jersey.
The return of Nikita Tryamkin, so that Goldy doesn’t have to be the sole focus of the Vancouver media’s traditional “Russian Player Has Bad Attitude?” narrative.
Virtanen can buy whatever he wants for himself as soon as he wises up and trademarks #ShotgunJake so he can start selling sick merch on the side.
Some leaguewide recognition as a legitimate starting goaltender after the month he just had.
For everyone to stop passive-aggressively suggesting he should leave the place he’s called home for the past twelve years and finally respect him as one of the franchise’s all-time greatest defensemen.
A set of Toronto Maple Leafs pajamas and the ability to retroactively wear them during his childhood.
To be allowed to eat carbs again.
For the Department of Player Safety to get their collective head out of their collective ass.
The same thing as Stecher, but also for a Swiss upset in the World Juniors so he has sole bragging rights in the dressing room when he returns.
A new contract that has an “Always Plays With Pettersson and Boeser” clause in it.
A return to the old, pre-union days when NHL contracts were kept under wraps and nobody knew what any individual player was earning. Suddenly, he’s lovable again.
For the Rogers Arena DJ to play the theme from Punch-Out!! every time he uppercuts an opponent into oblivion.
For Canuck fans to remember that he exists and stop mentally penciling Jack Hughes into his lineup spot.
For broadcasters to stop confusing him for Dominic Roussel—a mediocre goaltender who played 205 career games two decades ago. Seriously, how does that keep happening?
As the team’s most versatile player, Granlund really seems like the kind of guy who would ask for something practical, like sheets or towels.
A time machine so he can go back to when he was 16 and choose a slightly less haughty Twitter handle than @Hockey_Gaud.
For faceoffs to suddenly become more important than every other hockey stat, and for an immediate ban on sports reporters’ use of dog puns.
A sponsorship deal with Mott’s, the makers of Clamato. They’re a major hockey sponsor already, and this is an opportunity for corporate synergy that has been overlooked for too long.
A positive stat on his statline. Just one! That’s all he’s asking for!
For Gaudette’s time machine to remain uninvented, so that Jim Benning can’t go back in time and un-sign Schaller’s UFA contract.
For the NHL to be more like the IIHF World Championships.
Michael Del Zotto
To be named as the new official DJ of Rogers Arena, so that he has something to keep him busy on game nights.
For everyone to continue not noticing that he’s parlayed a one-time emergency callup into a lowkey legitimate NHL career.
A couple of those free amnesty buyouts in the next CBA. A limit on contract lengths wouldn’t hurt, either, if Santa thinks he’s been real good this year.
A replica Hulkbuster armor so he can finally complete his transformation into a replica Mark Ruffalo.