It’s another instalment of my regular feature of venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and other happenings around the NHL. Two things about this feature… 1) It will appear (hopefully) every week, and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don’t.
This week, I hate that Tryamkin says nyet to the Canucks, “scoreless” games, and the worst karaoke song ever.
You know what I hate?! Nikita Tryamkin dashed our hopes and dreams. We never even got to say goodbye. He just packed up and left in the middle of the night, leaving us to cry as we cover our tear-stained faces with our bedsheets. Ok, it’s not quite that bad. While the spotlight shines on his lack of playing time, that isn’t the only reason he left. It’s easy to see he was homesick and wanted to return home. What I do actually hate is that a 22-year-old rookie Russian defenseman bolts for home, and it suddenly exposes the glaring holes in the Canucks D depth. It means that Olli Juolevi almost certainly is going to be rushed into playing top 6 minutes next season, whether he’s ready or not. It means that the Canucks are almost certainly going to sign Erik Gudbranson to a stupidly long, stupidly rich contract. When your second-best defenseman over the back half of the season unexpectedly leaves the team, and you have nothing to show for it, you have some mighty big problems ahead. Oh, and Philip Larsen left for the KHL too. Whatever.
You know what I hate?! Announcers saying that a game is “scoreless”. No, it isn’t! As soon as a game commences, as soon as puck drop, once the game has officially started, it has a score. The score is 0-0. The game is goalless, not scoreless.
You know what I hate?! Sweet Caroline. Oh my lord, do I hate this song. At best, it’s the worst song on the menu at a budget karaoke bar. For some inexplicable reason, the North American spectator sporting world as adopted this song as some sort of cute, mid-game anthem. I’m at a loss. It has nothing to do with sports. Zero. So, why on earth does this terrible song get belted out by thousands of people on a daily basis while watching a hockey game live? Arena DJs are just proving that they aren’t even good enough to work weddings anymore.
You know what I hate?! Downtown Vancouver on 4/20. What a total gong show it is. I worked for many years in downtown Vancouver, and every April 20th this infuriating clown show would spark itself up and create an excruciating mess of the core of the city. Don’t confuse my hatred of this damn day for a condemnation of marijuana. Far from it. I am a huge proponent of the medical benefits of pot, and its long-overdue, nationwide legalization and taxation is going to be a massive benefit to our entire country, especially BC. But the overt 4/20 culture is boring and dumb and painfully annoying today. I’d tell these fake-ass hippies to beat it, but these people aren’t hippies. Hippies had a purpose to their protests, were educated on the topics that mattered to them, and organized themselves peacefully. These dummies are just looking for any excuse to blaze up the biggest joint they can roll, and then scream about it.