You Know What I Hate?! – May 14th

John Tortorella is angry and so am I. Torts is angry because, well, he just is.
I’m angry because he doesn’t say a damn thing in his pressers. EVER.
(Photo courtesy AP/Tom Mihalek)

Today I continue my weekly feature of me venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and around the NHL. Two things about feature… 1) It will appear (hopefully) every Monday, and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don’t.

This week, I hold a stupidly short conference to yell at Torts, the lack of Canucks news and the inevitability of an uninteresting Stanley Cup Final.

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You know what I hate?! No matter who wins in the respective Conference Finals, the Stanley Cup Final will be the most boring match-up since Anaheim/Ottawa in 2007. The last four Finals have been exciting, filled with offence, personalities and superstars, and interesting, compelling storylines. This year? We’re going to be left with Tortorella, Richards/Carter/Brown, Doan and Smith, or Kovulchuk/Parise. BOOOOOOOOOOOORING.

There is not ONE, SINGLE compelling story here. Maybe, if you’re totally reaching, you can find Shane Doan’s story somewhat interesting, but he’s such a nice guy with a bland personality that it’s hard to truly find entertainment in that. At least for me it is. As much as the Canucks are hated around the league, the Vancouver/Boston final/heel off was simply riveting. This year’s Final is going to be a guaranteed snoozefest.

You know what I hate?! Tortorella’s schtick with his game-day press conferences. Don’t get me wrong, I like Torts and his prickly, snarling, grumpy asshole persona. That’s all good. But if you’re going to have a presser, can you try and make them slightly longer than 9 seconds?!

And why have we decided that coaches in the NHL shouldn’t talk or answer any questions about injured players? When did this happen? I don’t understand why a coach can’t vaguely address questions about progress on injuries. How hard is this:  "Coach, what is the status of Daniel Sedin?". "We’re hoping to see him back in 7-10 days, but nothing is certain given his injury." THERE. Is it really that hard? And Tortorella is the absolute WORST at avoiding questions about lineups and rosters and injuries. HIs disdain for the media can be quite entertaining but it’s more infuriating than anything else. Unless of course, he is talking to Larry Brooks. In which case, have at it, Torts.

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You know what I hate?! I’m having a HORRIBLE time getting interested in the IIHF World Hockey Championships. And I desperately WANT to be interested, but I just can’t do it. Maybe it’s because Team Canada has to play 7 round-robin games before they even get to elimination games. Maybe it’s because they play Belarus, Kazakhstan, Switzerland, and France. Maybe it’s because their games have been at 6 AM PT. Maybe it’s because I can’t stream the games (legally) on as in previous years. Hopefully, as the round-robin wraps up tomorrow and Canada moves on to the elimination games, I’ll be more compelled to tune in. I hope. Because I want to.

You know what I hate?! The complete lack of interesting Canucks news.

(Are you getting the sense that I am mad, because nothing is interesting? AM I NOT ENTERTAINED?! It turns out that I’m not)

Right now, dialed-in Canucks fans are waiting with bated breath if Alain Vigneault is signed to an extension. Seriously, THAT is our big news right now. We’re not waiting on or seeing news about trades or contracts or player scandals. Nope, the trade freeze means we can’t look forward to that. So we’re waiting to see if the coach gets an extension. That is all we have right now. God, this is frustrating. I CANNOT wait for the playoffs to end so that we can finally kick off the start of (what should be) a dynamic and exciting off-season for the Canucks. Until then, we have tumbleweeds rolling through the Canucks newswire.

You know what I hate?! Scarves in May. Very specifically, guys wearing scarves in May. No joke, I’m walking to work this morning, on a day where the projected high temperature is somewhere around 22 degrees, and some hipster idiot moron is wearing a goddamn scarf. Stop trying to be so bloody cool that you’ve parked your most basic common sense about being HOT or COLD. If you’re a dummy who decides to wear a scarf or gloves or a tuque when it’s more than 20 degrees out, you get what you deserve. You’re gonna be sweaty and uncomfortable all damn day, but seriously that looks WAY cooler than that stupid scarf you’re wearing. Jackass.