You Know What I Hate?! – April 16th

Ryan Kesler is angry. And so am I. But when I’m angry, I don’t collapse in a heap and
immediately look at a referee with my hands in the air.
(Photo by Ben Nelms, Reuters)

Today I continue my weekly feature of me venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and around the NHL. Two things about feature… 1) It will appear (hopefully) every Monday, and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don’t.

This week, I give a Shanaban to the "Faint Hope" clause, Playoff Kesler and my own inexplicable beliefs.

You know what I hate?! The "Faint Hope" clause. And by that, I mean the Canucks fans out there who absolutely insist on telling everyone that "they’re not out of it yet!" and "don’t lose faith now!" and "stay positive! Your good energy will motivate them!" From where? MY COUCH?! From the bottom of this empty beer can which I’ve had to drained into my throat to deal with another gut-wrenching playoff exit? FROM THERE?! SHADDAP!

Everyone on here knows that I’m a homer. I’m probably the biggest homer writer on CanucksArmy. But that doesn’t make an a priori idiot (I hope. I’m a proven idiot in a large number of other ways.) I can pretty clearly see the writing on the wall. In the NHL all-time, since the league has had 7-game series, the team that is ahead 3-0 is 164-3 (.982 winning percentage) to close out a series. Teams that are ahead 3-0 in the first round of the playoffs are 41-0. While I appreciate the sentiment of blind, positive fandom, you gotta sprinkle a little realism in there every once in a while. Seeing your team down 3-0 in an opening round series would be a great place to start with that. It’s okay to let this go. It’s not as if you cheer for the Oilers or the Flames. They aren’t making the playoffs next year. AGAIN. The Canucks will be back next year. You KNOW they will. BELIEVE that.

You know what I hate?! Daniel Sedin might play on Wednesday! C’mon man. You got your coconut severely rocked! Just… go rest. PLEASE. Your team is down 0-3 and it would take a unique, historical comeback to even make it out of this round. Now, if Daniel is just going to travel to LA to be with his teammates and show some camaraderie, then that’s all good. More power to him. But reports from the Canucks said that he would practice Tuesday. Wouldn’t that mean he might play Wednesday!?! Why?!

Daniel, please don’t rush back too soon because you think you’re the White Knight who is going to rescue your team. I say all this because I am just assuming that Daniel is rushing back. If he is truly recovered, and the symptoms and headaches have all cleared up, then it’s impossible to keep the guy away from playing. But, man, if he has even the HINT of a symptom after Tuesday’s practice, I hope he goes immediately to a dark room and lays under the covers, listening to QM-FM on low.

You know what I hate?! "Playoff Kesler". And I don’t mean Beast Mode Kesler that demolished Nashville last year. Oh no. That dude has only appeared once. I’m talking about Fall-down-act-shot-somersault-whip-my-hair-back-and-forth-to-sell-every-damn-call-possible Kesler. Ryan Kesler has been my favourite Cauncks player for many years now. I love his tenacity, his speed, his skill and his ability to play in all three zones. In the regular season, Kes goes about his regular business without too much trolling game after game. But as soon as the playoffs start and things start to go a little sideways, and Ryan Kesler breaks out the slip-and-slide and the banana peels. He is so focused right now on his sell job that he’s completely blind to the big picture. Last night’s game was the piece de resistance. Willie Mitchell was already going to be penalized for cross-checking. The whistle goes to stop play, Mitchell gives Kes a little nudge and Kesler slides down the glass like a greased slug. Jesus, buds. Enough already. Be done with it. Because I’m done with it. We’re ALL done with it.

You know what I hate?! The proliferation of hateful, "smack-talk" images made by opposing fanbases. The "Sedins Sisters" posters and colourful, spiteful GIFs parading around the innernetz. What I don’t understand is… do these people actually spend any time at all cheering for their OWN team? Or do they just spend every waking moment they have saying to themselves, "Man, those Sedins are such pussies! I need to make a poster with two bitches on it and the Sedins’ heads on top! YEAH!" Do they even know who is on their home team? Or do they just make sure they memorize the Canucks roster to know who they have to hate? I just don’t get it.

When I watch a game, I actually cheer and root for my team. I wear a Canucks jersey. And to the complete moron wearing the "2 Sedins No Cup" shirt behind the bench last night… THE KINGS HAVEN’T WON A CUP EITHER, YA IDIOT. I mean, for Christ’s sake if you’re gonna wear a shirt that mocks the Canucks, make sure you’re bringing up a point that gives your team the upper hand. I know, I know. I’m just another whiny Canucks fan. I’m sure someone will make a GIF letting me know how much of a goddamn pussy I am. I hope they waste hours and hours on it too, so that I can spend 3 seconds looking at it, then carrying on living my life. "Yeah, but dude. BURN! God, it was totally worth it. What a whiny piece of shit that guy is!"

You know what I hate?! Having my purely emotional and unsubstantiated falsehoods about Alain Vigneault shattered so easily. You can put me on the train of folks who were beginning to railroad Vigneault out of town. Now, my sentiments weren’t so much because I hate the guy (cuz I don’t). It was moreso the increasingly popular notion that AV has been outcoached recently in the playoffs. So then I took 10 minutes and read articles by my favourite stats-guru and yours, Thomas Drance on this very blog, as well as Harrison Mooney of Pass It to Bulis, and realized, quite frankly, that I was being an idiot. So, if you’re doubting Vigneault like I was, take 10 minutes and read those two articles. You’ll come around pretty quickly. I know I did.

  • Mantastic

    The fourth thing you hate was spot on. It’s so annoying hearing everyone beaking the Twins in particular and the Canucks in general all the time. Like you said, support your team, leave ours alone.

    • Mantastic

      See, there was a viral video going around about a year ago ‘two girls, one cup’. I never saw it, they say it’s pretty gross… That’s the ‘funny’ in the two girls, no cup T-shirt… Yea not that funny…

  • Mantastic

    Oh, please, is that the only thing you have to worry about, being an Oiler fan? He apologized. Don’t be too pissy about Schneider just in case you have to do an abrupt about face when he becomes YOUR goaltender next year.

    Anyway, that guy with the 2 sedins no cup t-shirt, geez I hated that. That image of Henrik trying to knock on the door from the ice will be forever burned in to my brain. Forever. I bet Daniel’s coming back because Henrik ain’t all there anymore either, so between the two of them they’ll make one Sedin. Maybe one and a half. It’s not like the CAnucks have been outplayed or outcoached or out goaltended or anything except for the god damn power play. POWER PLAY. Get one goal, please. I’m sorry, but I’m going to hang in til the bitter end. But I do agree with PITB, it’s better to go out now with a little whimper — these guys need a rest big time.

    • Mantastic

      How the hell can you say we havent lost the goaltending battle? Quick has stopped almost everything. And the Canucks have gotten destroyed on special teams in general.

    • Schneider will have to kiss every oiler fans ass before he will be accepted into the club. Here’s a question for Canuck fans, how much longer is your window left open? As every post season ends your window is closing. The sedins may start the decline of points over 5 years ( ala markus naslund) and Kesler seems like a shell of himself this season, you better hope that trend ends next year.

        • Gitagrip

          Excellent reply. I can see that your a great conversationalist. Why is it that Canuck fans have to get into name calling and the no playoff thing? We didn’t make the playoffs, very good. We’re rebuilding just like what the Canucks did in the late 90’s , the 80’s , and the 70’s. Now your team is at the top of the heap and you have to be a ******.

  • Mantastic

    No, that’s not the only thing I worry about as an OILER fan.

    I worry about the D on my team, the direction my GM is taking my team. Etc..

    But the fact that your fans seem to take offense when the sisters are called out does make it hard to resist. With one of them out, does it make it easier for the other one to choose which petty coat to wear?
    The fact that your fans like to burn stuff down when you lose.
    Or how about Kesler?
    Flipping and Flopping around on the ice like a fool.
    Finger biting..
    Or how about the way you yell LOUUUUUU…after every routine sifter from the blueline?
    And then there’s the pair of clowns in spandex next to the penalty box…

    Ya… Wonder why everybody hates us???

    Here’s a tissue.

    I can’t help but think the hockey gods are angry..

    • Chris.

      I don’t mind people attacking my team. As a whole. But if the best you can do is call is call individual players sissies….?
      You sound like a bitchy 12 year old girl. I work at a middle school so I know what they sound like.

  • Mantastic

    I like your writing style tinfoil but not your team.Im with the cold canadian on that one.I know that replay of the hit is hard for you to watch but look at the dildo that wont get off the gate to get his captain back in the box.the french sean avery that clown is kiiling your team.

  • Mantastic

    You really don’t think Canucks could win next 4 games in a row? I do! Yes, chances are slim, but, not impossible. I’m prepared for a short Playoff season, but, I’m keeping hope alive.

    Oh, and stats are for losers. 😛

  • Mantastic

    The ironic thing about your piece. When van becomes eliminated, your going to automatically cheer against the hawks. You hate that team, just like oiler fans in the early 2000’s cheered against the stars. For being a Canuck fan, your Allright, I’ll be reading more.

    • You’re right. I probably will cheer against the Blackhawks… and the Bruins.

      But I won’t be doing is wasting ONE SECOND making GIFs or videos or posters or even updating my Facebook status accordingly.

      Cuz it ain’t worth it.

      Sure, I’ll take some smug pride if they get eliminated. But I’ll keep it pretty much to myself.

      And believe me, I’m not trying to sound pompous or arrogant about the whole thing. Some fans rally one way, some another. If the LA fans on twitter want to spend all of their hockey-loving energy mocking the Canucks instead of cheering for their own team… whatever. That’s their business. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.

  • Reg Dunlop

    A very enjoyable read, Mr. Tuque. I respect your devotion to your canucks, and if the Oil ever make the playoffs I’m sure we will go back to ignoring your fans and team. Meanwhile, out of idleness and a little envy, we will continue to grind the gears on y’all.

    Cheers and happy golfing. Wait, do swedes golf? Or do they play Dance Dance Revolution to the tune ‘Waterloo’?

  • Chris.

    Wow this post really brought out the trolls. I never understood the need to go search for the other teams blogs, read the posts, and then troll the message board.

    (@One cold canadian) I have players I like and dislike but I don’t go bashing them because it’s kinda farcical for some internet tough guy who is sitting behind his keyboard to be calling out players who have fought their way into and to the top of the NHL. Hanks won Olympic Gold, the Art Ross and Hart, and has an ironman streak that’s like second in the league.

    Your accomplishments???

    • Vintage Flame

      Wow this post really brought out the trolls. I never understood the need to go search for the other teams blogs, read the posts, and then troll the message board.

      I’ve never commented on any of the articles but I come here quite often to read the likes of T-Tuque and Drance.

      That being said when I read this…

      (@One cold canadian) I have players I like and dislike but I don’t go bashing them because it’s kinda farcical for some internet tough guy who is sitting behind his keyboard to be calling out players who have fought their way into and to the top of the NHL. Hanks won Olympic Gold, the Art Ross and Hart, and has an ironman streak that’s like second in the league.

      Your accomplishments???

      dude, I hate the Oilers more than anything.. except the Canucks, but did you really just say that to an Oilers fan? Really??

      Not sure how new to the game of Hockey you are, but you might want to go and “Google” some guys named Gretzky, Messier, Coffey, Anderson, Kurri…

      You want to know why the rest of Canada hates your team so much, stop hugging your Cabbage Patch Kesler and just watch them play. That team from the top down is an embarrassment to the game and to the country of Canada. Maybe if they would shut up and just play the game, they would have more support outside of BC.

      .. And before you go all typical Canucks fan on me and try to remind me that the Canucks are the Presidents trophy winners and both the Flames and the Oilers couldn’t find the post-season with a GPS unit, just remember that there is one goal and ONE GOAL ONLY in the NHL; to win the Stanley Cup.

      So before you go asking other teams what they have accomplished, why don’t you brush up on the past 40 years of Canucks failure.

      Edit: After tonight, the Canucks will be unique in one way. They will have been the FIRST President’s Trophy winner to be SWEPT in the FIRST round. Now that’s an accomplishment!

  • Gitagrip

    As part of the Oiler Nation I venture over to your site just to read the “You know what I hate” rant by T Tuque. He never disappoints, not like…..well never mind that. Always very funny stuff. Oh ya, that and because misery loves company. Fore!

  • Gitagrip

    Josh, First of all it’s not really a “go search” type of situation as to where i can find this site.

    The link is in the upper right hand corner of all Nation pages.

    As for MY accomplishments in life, well, lets just say i’m pretty happy with the way things have turned out.

    Two great kids-Check
    Beautiful wife that loves me-Check
    Successful business- Check

    Hope your doing just as well. too bad your team isn’t!!


    Whom did i call a sissy?
    Anyone that flips, flops and drops like a FOOL on the ice for no reason deserves to be called out for it. However, it’s not just your players that need to be called out.

    What about fans burning stuff after a loss?

    How about fans using laser pointers to try and BLIND the opposing goalie?

    And you wonder why NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR TEAM???

    • And I thought it was kinda dumb and only watched it the one time.

      When you see the videos that IamJohhnyCanuck is producing, it makes almost all other fan videos look like sewage. And there’s not one ounce of mocking in those videos. I wish there was much more of THAT type of fandom.

      I know full well that there are some Canucks fans who make mocking signs and vids. And I hate them.

      My point for that whole rant was that it seems like there is a WHOLE LOT more directed AT the Canucks. But that’s what happens when you’re a bunch of “cheating, diving, whining Euro pussies”.