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The Stanchion
October 29 2011 06:01PM

 The Stanchion.

While I probably could have titled this article better, I chose the Back to the Future quote because a) I always told myself when I made it big I would find a way to quote Back to the Future as much as possible due to it being the best movie of all time, and b) because this quote speaks volumes about my writing style. (Ignore the fact I haven’t made it big yet. Shush. ) I tend to approach things from a different angle. Please note I rarely do these types of straight up editorials, nor do I expect to do to many of them, so if you hate this article, go look at my funny photos instead!

On first look, all you might see from me is someone joking around, making videos, photoshops and gifs, oh my. (Shameless plug: I did a video trying to make the nickname of the American Express Line stick for Kesler, Booth, and Higgins. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1BBOfH9s1w )

Yes, I don’t approach hockey as seriously as others, but there is a very good reason for that. If I didn’t approach hockey in this manner, I can assure you I would be dead of a heart attack brought upon by stress and rage. Pure, unadulterated rage.  Why you ask? Because I am ultra-competitive. Over everything. EVERYTHING.

Scrabble at family night? If I keep getting the vowels, I’m cursing up a storm and rocking back and forth on the couch. Trying to beat my friend to his house after work? This is life or death for me. You know that kid you had in your PE class, the one that went all out, all the time, and would go through gym like every class was his last? I’m that guy. I’m not proud of this. Sure, competitiveness has its place in life, but when you realize that during a friendly game of ball hockey you’re going over a missed pass in your head for 15 minutes, you know you have issues.

So imagine that, but times it by a thousand when it comes to the Canucks. Being a hockey loving freak means I live and die with this team, and have had my heart shattered more times than I care to remember.  During games I will swear, I will scream, I will curse, and I will beat pillows to within an inch of their lives. People know not to talk to me much during game time. Again, not proud of this, but it is what it is. I will give you a shining example.

Last year’s amazing playoff run was fun, right? Well during one moment, I almost reached a level of hatred I didn’t know was possible for me. I am sure many of you have angry memories, but mine was simple. Game 7 against Chicago, when Toews scored to tie up. When Toews tied the game, I went blank. I just stared at the screen. I could feel the screams of anguish in my head trying to get into my conscious. “Why did they go so passive on that powerplay??” one part of my brain screamed. “Why can’t they ever beat crappy goalies??” another part of my brain screamed. “WHY WOULD THE CANUCKS DO THIS TO ME!!” screamed my entire brain. I kept it all at bay. In deathly silence. As I watched the game unfold.

I kept watching and when it went to the intermission I just stared some more. Trying to figure out where I went wrong in life with choosing to like hockey. When the game came back I was expecting the worst. Losing to the *@#* Chicago Blackhawks for the THIRD year in a row? Losing to that smug Patrick Kane? Losing to that arrogant Johnny Toews? Losing to that smirking SOB Dave Bolland?? I couldn’t fathom it. Yet here we were. Then it got worse. The Canucks took a penalty in overtime. It was at this point I got up and just walked away. I simply walked away. You know what I did? I started doing the dishes. I simply could not handle what my brain was seeing so I washed dishes for that entire power play. I resumed watching after we killed it, and the rest is history, but for a brief two minutes, I fully knew the mindset of a psychopath. I just stared at the back of my kitchen wall while I washed a dish for five minutes. Pondering what to do if I heard Chicago score. Throw the dish at the wall? Slump on the ground and start drinking? Run outside nude in the street? I didn’t know. Thankfully I’ll never have to know, as Burrows “slayed the dragon” and I got to keep my sanity.

(Which also led to the creation of my most famous GIF  img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/Kid_Roll/CanucksVictory2.gif )

 

So take a look at that picture up top. That’s me, from round 2 against Chicago, the second time around. Look at those eyes. In them you can see all the pain and misery I have dealt with being a Canucks fan. I am 29 years old, so I haven’t seen every single game, but from ’89 onwards, I have the memories of the Canucks burned into my brain. Joel Otto kicking the puck in? Still pisses me off. Smyl being robbed by Vernon? DAMNIT. Edmonton and Calgary killing us in the early '90’s? I remember. Mark Messier cross checking Trevor Linden by the boards in game 6 during the ’94 finals? I WILL NEVER FORGET. The ping of Nathan Lafayette? Still makes me sick. Pat Quinn calling the Avalanche defense soft as marshmallows before round one in '96? Come on dude, what the hell. Chicago beating McLean in '95 in four straight? I’ve always hated you Chicago. Greg Adams for Russ Courtnall? What kind of trade is that?? The “Dark Years” of Messier and Keenan? You betcha. I remember us having Enrico Ciccone and Steve Washburn on this team. West Coast Express revival that ended with a punch and a Lidstrom hail mary? (Please note I hate Dan Cloutier. With a passion.) Gelinas in overtime with Jovo in the box? Chicago killing us two years in a row? Right up until our magical run last year?

I’ve seen it all, and I have been upset about it all. But somehow I have managed to learn to approach hockey with a smile and a laugh, because even though hockey means the world to me, in the end, it is just a game, and I can’t let the rage take over. Hockey brings us all together and allows strangers to have something to talk about instead of awkward small talk about the weather. Hockey bonds so many Canadians that it’s hard to stay angry at something that has given so much. Unless it’s game time. During all games I reserve the right to be completely insane.

In closing, I just wanted to state that while I am humorous in my approach, I do know the game very well. I do have a long history with hockey and I know a lot about the game. Do I know more than anyone? Of course not. But I can handle a good solid hockey debate with the best of them. So if you don’t vote for me, and if I don’t make it into the Province, so be it. I’ll still be writing hockey. I’ll still be yelling at Chicago fans. I’ll still be making pictures. But if you do vote no, vote no for the right reasons. And that reason is that you’re intimidated by my artistic vision and stick nudity.

 Nude Stick Kesler

 

Good luck to all my fellow bloggers, may the best blogger win!

 

Ed73c95199a7c52e70a7ff5fe66a1e13
Current freelance writer for The Province and Canucks Army. You can find me on twitter @thestanchion screaming about sports and making fun of Eddie Lack's gaming skills.
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#1 BeCanucks
October 29 2011, 06:35PM
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Ah, I find you doing the dishes story interesting, because I start doing laundry when the Canucks are being scored on. I can totally relate to the psychopath feeling. Do you think we need therapy? ;) Thank you for a good read.

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#2 Andrew Kvyatkovski
October 29 2011, 08:21PM
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Oh Stanchion,

I know the feeling. While I only started watching the Canucks in the magical year of 94' (only because I wasnt in the country until the previous year and didnt know the Canucks existed) I share your viewing style (yelling, swearing, punching, throwing). That is until that 1st round last year. After seeing them lose in game 6 something occured in my brain. Maybe (in the famous words of Eric Cartman) I broke my rage bone. Basically after that game the things that would normally drive my into a blind range only mildly irritated me. Its made watching Nucks games much more tolerable especially considering how they have started this year.

Look forward to reading more of your work.

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#5 Patrick Johnston
October 30 2011, 02:12PM
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You took that picture in your basement, right?

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