15

Hockey Man

Let’s interrupt the Graphic Comments tour through the alphabet for a little musical interlude.

With apologies to Elton John, here is Hockey Man:

We checked the list to my delight
Need some power, find a gem
And I’m gonna be high as Jim Kyte on them
Assess the girth in pounds and what’s their height
Take punches in the face
On ‘nother pointless night

At the rink it’ll never be the wrong wrong time
To shut down spreadsheets, leave charts behind
It’s not how well I think but who I’ve known
Oh no no no I’m a hockey man
Hockey man working all my friends over the phone

At the rink it’ll never be the wrong wrong time
To shut down spreadsheets, leave graphs behind
It’s not how well I think but who I’ve known
Oh no no no I’m a hockey man
Hockey man working all my friends over the phone

Don’t need no database to appraise the kids
The fact’s I’m old as hell
And there’s no room there to reason with my id
And all this science I don’t understand
I trust my gut all days a week
A hockey man, a hockey man

At the rink it’ll never be the wrong wrong time
To shut down spreadsheets, leave charts behind
It’s not how well I think but who I’ve known
Oh no no no I’m a hockey man
Hockey man working all my friends over the phone

At the rink it’ll never be the wrong wrong time
To shut down spreadsheets, leave graphs behind
It’s not how well I think but who I’ve known
Oh no no no I’m a hockey man
Hockey man working all my friends over the phone

And I think I’m gonna leave those charts behind
And I think I’m gonna leave those graphs behind
And I think I’m gonna leave spreadsheets behind
And I think it’s gonna be Doug Armstrong time
And I think it’s gonna be John Shannon time
And I think it’s gonna be Steve Simmons time
And I think it’s gonna be a long wrong time

 

Follow along here:

 

Previous installments:

Draft Lottery, with apologies to David Bowie.

Rock Bottom, with apologies to the B-52s.

Bohemian Rhapsody in Blue, with apologies to Queen.

 

 


RECENT GRAPHIC COMMENTS

  • Just curious if Steve Yzerman qualifies as a hockey man? Brendan Shanahan? What about George McPhee? Jim Rutherford? Wouldn’t all these guys be by definition lifelong hockey men like Benning?

    I think they’re all doing real good jobs, I bet some of ’em even know how a spreadsheet works. But at least the words rhyme and stuff.

  • Petbugs have you got it out of your system yet? Can you please stop whining about the big bad hockey men now?

    If a hockey team doesn’t want to use all the tools available to make management decisions that is their problem. The fact teams may use the same information and arrive at different conclusions than you do doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. The hockey men you incessantly whine about have mostly lost their jobs running hockey teams because they failed and have been relegated to the media.

    • Petbugs is promoting hockey talent should be exclusively evaluated on paper in a condo.
      Forget negotiations,trades and scouting staff.
      The paper pushers know all schtick is suffocating and nauseating.

  • Other than enjoying the cute nurses, I got bored so …

    Saturday night’s alright for drafting

    It’s getting late have you seen my list
    Ma tell me when my boys get here
    It’s seven o’clock and I want to draft
    Want to get the bloody fans to cheer!
    My Owner’s drunker than a barrel full of monkeys
    And my GM he just don’t care
    My Flow looks cute in his uni and skates
    A handful of product in his hair

    Oh, don’t give us none of your analytics
    We had it with your decimal points
    Oh, Saturday night’s alright for drafting
    Get a little trade action in
    Get about as S-oiled as a Chiarelli
    Gonna set this draft alight
    ‘Cause Saturday night I draft the picks I like
    Saturday night I draft, draft, draft, draft, ooh

    Well they’re packed pretty tight in here tonight
    I’m looking for a player who’ll see me right
    I may use a little muscle to get what I need
    I may throw in a late round pick and shout out he’s with me!

    A couple of the rounds that I really like
    Have the sounds of a slapshot and a goalie light!
    I’m a juvenile product of the hockey class
    Whose best friend floats in the bottom of the stands, oh

    Don’t give us none of your analytics
    We had it with your decimal points
    Saturday night’s alright for drafting
    Get a little trade action in
    Get about as S-oiled as a Chiarelli
    Gonna set this draft alight
    ‘Cause Saturday night’s the draft I like
    Saturday night’s alright alright alright, ooh

    Oh, don’t give us none of your analytics
    We had it with your decimal points
    Saturday night’s alright for drafting
    Get a little trade action in
    Get about as S-oiled as Chiarelli
    Gonna set this draft alight
    `Cause Saturday night’s the draft I like … la la la la!

  • At some point you’re going to realize that YOU’RE the one who seems more like Grandpa Simpson, right? You know, with all the ranting on about the grudges you can’t let go of? Revenge of the Nerds came out like three decades ago, you should probably move on. I don’t think analytics are anywhere near as marginalized as you like to pretend.

  • The question bags to be asked, what would be required of ‘hockey men’ in regards to stats so as to satisfy your thirst for their blood. Like do you need anyone over the age of 50 to disapear and if anyone under 50 imploys even one ‘character’ guy he must go to. Do they need to spend a minimum of 13 hours a day going over corswicks and like…if they watch even one game tape of an opposing team instead of just graphs and charts of the players are they to be lynched as well. You guys have created a very toxic and murky standard of what is needed to keep you and your mob at bay. Sorry to break it you, but all teams use analytics in varying degrees but it feels like if even one GM even uses any words that can even compare to size, character, grit or work ethic you guys need him fired and ran out of the business. Its become pretty obvious that the teams laying more in stats side of things arent doing quite as well as teams leaning more into the I just so happen to know things cause I have vast experiance and knowledge. Obviously the best teams appear to fall into the 50/50 department and I would suspect that the majority of the league make decisions based on stats in the 30-40% range. In a nut shell you guys already have almost half the market share of decision making already….greedy much.

    • I don’t agree that decisions should be segregated between scouting and analytics. The expertise of those skilled at evaluating talent should be informed by analytics to identify patterns, trends and tendencies only evident over a large sample of games. This combination should be applied to every personnel decision.

  • If only corsi and fenwick correlated to wins and points
    maybe and NHL team would hire me

    But low possession teams like the pens keep winning
    It’s done nothing but frustrate me

    So I’ll claim it’s true and hide my tools
    In the hopes an NHL team hires me

    oooohhh analytics man, dreaming of jobs that
    don’t require a university degree
    analytics maaaaaan cherry picking the stats
    that fit his plan to a T….

  • Why not just supply a graphic that says “I’m a goof”? Really, what a waste of time & an insult to the readers. Just go away ‘Petbugs’.

    • The tragic part is he is a reasonable analyst and a pretty good writer. It’s a shame he chooses to waste his time writing song parodies that fail to reach the threshold of even being mildly amusing.