From high up in the gondola at Rogers Arena, your favourite Muppets are back to offer some thoughts on the off-season here at Canucks Army…
Waldorf: Well, looks like the playoffs are almost done and the hockey season will finally be over.
Statsler: It’s about time. I never thought I’d see the end of it.
Waldorf: Yeah, I can’t believe how far into June the Final goes…
Statsler: No, it’s not that. I literally thought I’d be dead by now…
Waldorf: …haw haw haw that makes two of us…
Statsler: …and after that Canucks season, it can’t come soon enough.
Waldorf: Speaking of no life, what do you think these nerds at Canucks Army will be doing now that the season is ending?
Statsler: You mean you haven’t seen the schedule?
Waldorf: No, I think my email is out of paper.
Statsler: That’s not email, you old fool. That’s your fax machine. Anyway, I think I have it here somewhere under this pile of unused Canuck playoff tickets. Here it is:
Waldorf: Looks like the nerds have quite the summer on their hands.
Statsler: I guess that makes them the busiest hockey guys in Canada!
Waldorf: That’s not true. I bet all those hockey executives at Rogers are pretty busy working on their resumes right now. That reminds me, with no Canadian teams in the playoffs, what bandwagon did you jump on for the Final?
Statsler: At my age, I’m too old to jump on anything…
Waldorf: Thanks for that horrible image I’ll never be able to get out of my mind
Statsler: Who are you trying to kid? You’ve got the memory of a goldfish.
Waldorf: I wish I could forget half the trades Benning has made in the last couple years.
Statsler: So does Jim.
Waldorf: ho ho ho you’re not wrong there.
Statsler: So what’s your take on Trader Jim’s latest swap?
Waldorf: It’s just too early to tell. I think we just have to wait and see.
Statsler: Isn’t that what the Europeans said when Hitler claimed the Sudentenland in 1938?
Waldorf: Whoa. Well that escalated quickly. I did Nazi that coming.
Statsler: Neither did the French.
Waldorf: har har har I see what you did there.
Statsler: But seriously, what do you think of Gudbranson?
Waldorf: Well, things will move a whole lot smoother on the back end with good bran.
Statsler: No, not ‘good bran’ you old fool. Gudbranson, the NHL defenseman with a good moral fibre.
Waldorf: Well of course he’s got good fibre, with a name like Gudbranson.
Statsler: Good grief. You haven’t mixed up an NHL defenseman with a laxative since Frantisek Musil was in the league.
Waldorf: Now that you mention it, they are remarkably similar. Big, solid, stay-at-home defenseman. Not known for his scoring.
Statsler: Yeah, but he still had twice as many points as Gudbranson by this point in his career.
Waldorf: Points aren’t everything, Statsler. He was a good, character guy. He had to escape from Czechoslovakia to defect to North America and play in the NHL.
Statsler: Good thing he got out before the Nazis took over.
Waldorf: Uh, I think you might be off by about 45 years there.
Statsler: It wouldn’t be the first time 45 years disappeared into a black hole. Just look at the history of the Canucks franchise.
Waldorf: There you go being negative again. You’re going to rile up the comment section again.
Statsler: The commenters are revolting?
Waldorf: heh heh heh I see what you did there.
Statsler: You can’t see anything. You’re blind as a bat.
Waldorf: True. True. That’s pretty much the only explanation for why I still come to the games.
Statsler: But as for the comment section, we better be nice to them. If we’re not careful we’ll be the first ones up against the wall when the revolution comes.
Waldorf: It can’t come soon enough, if you ask me. Can you believe they have an Assistant Editor now?
Statsler: No, I think Biech is the Assistant to the Editor.
Waldorf: Oh, that makes more sense. That JD guy needs all the help he can get.
Statsler: Well, if he wants some help, maybe he should give some of these commenters a chance to write their own posts. They can’t be any worse than the clowns they have on staff.
Waldorf: You’re not wrong there. But have you seen the spelling and grammar on some of those comments? It’s atrocious.
Statsler: It can’t be any worse than that Weissbock guy that used to write here.
Waldorf: You have a good point.
Statsler: That’s more than can be said for the Canucks power play!
Waldorf: What happened to Weissbock and Money Puck, anyway?
Statsler: I think they finally got kicked out of the basement.
Waldorf: Makes sense. Had to make room for the Canucks down there.
Statsler: ha ha ha I didn’t see that one coming.
Waldorf: Neither did Canucks fans. They wanted to wait and see.