From the balcony: Gudbranson was a smoothe move

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From high up in the gondola at Rogers Arena, your favourite Muppets are back to offer some thoughts on the off-season here at Canucks Army…

Waldorf: Well, looks like the playoffs are almost done and the hockey season will finally be over.

Statsler: It’s about time. I never thought I’d see the end of it.

Waldorf: Yeah, I can’t believe how far into June the Final goes…

Statsler: No, it’s not that. I literally thought I’d be dead by now…

Waldorf: …haw haw haw that makes two of us…

Statsler: …and after that Canucks season, it can’t come soon enough.

Waldorf: Speaking of no life, what do you think these nerds at Canucks Army will be doing now that the season is ending?

Statsler: You mean you haven’t seen the schedule?

Waldorf: No, I think my email is out of paper.

Statsler: That’s not email, you old fool. That’s your fax machine. Anyway, I think I have it here somewhere under this pile of unused Canuck playoff tickets. Here it is:

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Waldorf: Looks like the nerds have quite the summer on their hands.

Statsler: I guess that makes them the busiest hockey guys in Canada!

Waldorf: That’s not true. I bet all those hockey executives at Rogers are pretty busy working on their resumes right now. That reminds me, with no Canadian teams in the playoffs, what bandwagon did you jump on for the Final?

Statsler: At my age, I’m too old to jump on anything…

Waldorf: Thanks for that horrible image I’ll never be able to get out of my mind

Statsler: Who are you trying to kid? You’ve got the memory of a goldfish.

Waldorf: I wish I could forget half the trades Benning has made in the last couple years.

Statsler: So does Jim.

Waldorf: ho ho ho you’re not wrong there.

Statsler: So what’s your take on Trader Jim’s latest swap?

Waldorf: It’s just too early to tell. I think we just have to wait and see.

Statsler: Isn’t that what the Europeans said when Hitler claimed the Sudentenland in 1938?

Waldorf: Whoa. Well that escalated quickly. I did Nazi that coming.

Statsler: Neither did the French.

Waldorf: har har har I see what you did there.

Statsler: But seriously, what do you think of Gudbranson?

Waldorf: Well, things will move a whole lot smoother on the back end with good bran.

Statsler: No, not ‘good bran’ you old fool. Gudbranson, the NHL defenseman with a good moral fibre.

Waldorf: Well of course he’s got good fibre, with a name like Gudbranson.

Statsler: Good grief. You haven’t mixed up an NHL defenseman with a laxative since Frantisek Musil was in the league.

Waldorf: Now that you mention it, they are remarkably similar. Big, solid, stay-at-home defenseman. Not known for his scoring.

Statsler: Yeah, but he still had twice as many points as Gudbranson by this point in his career.

Waldorf: Points aren’t everything, Statsler. He was a good, character guy. He had to escape from Czechoslovakia to defect to North America and play in the NHL.

Statsler: Good thing he got out before the Nazis took over.

Waldorf: Uh, I think you might be off by about 45 years there.

Statsler: It wouldn’t be the first time 45 years disappeared into a black hole. Just look at the history of the Canucks franchise.

Waldorf: There you go being negative again. You’re going to rile up the comment section again.

Statsler: The commenters are revolting?

Waldorf: heh heh heh I see what you did there.

Statsler: You can’t see anything. You’re blind as a bat.

Waldorf: True. True. That’s pretty much the only explanation for why I still come to the games.

Statsler: But as for the comment section, we better be nice to them. If we’re not careful we’ll be the first ones up against the wall when the revolution comes.

Waldorf: It can’t come soon enough, if you ask me. Can you believe they have an Assistant Editor now?

Statsler: No, I think Biech is the Assistant to the Editor.

Waldorf: Oh, that makes more sense. That JD guy needs all the help he can get.

Statsler: Well, if he wants some help, maybe he should give some of these commenters a chance to write their own posts. They can’t be any worse than the clowns they have on staff.

Waldorf: You’re not wrong there. But have you seen the spelling and grammar on some of those comments? It’s atrocious.

Statsler: It can’t be any worse than that Weissbock guy that used to write here.

Waldorf: You have a good point.

Statsler: That’s more than can be said for the Canucks power play!

Waldorf: What happened to Weissbock and Money Puck, anyway?

Statsler: I think they finally got kicked out of the basement.

Waldorf: Makes sense. Had to make room for the Canucks down there.

Statsler: ha ha ha I didn’t see that one coming.

Waldorf: Neither did Canucks fans. They wanted to wait and see.

  • Smithertime

    The Analytics crowd really can’t stand any other opinion than their own…

    Old school hockey guys like the trade CA crowd hates it, because if Damen don’t develop by 21 and score 30 goals they are worthless.

    Let’s take an opinion I respect, Willie Mitchell. Upon hearing about the trade he tweeted “WTF”. Obviously not an Analytics guy, just a teammate…

    If Canucks draft DuBois they have DuBois and Horvat as their top two centers. Playing along side the centers will be Jake V and Brock Boeser… not bad up front. Add in Tanev, Hutton, Big G, Pedantic, Tryamkin playing in front of Thatcher Demos.

    I will take that very good young team. Will be intersting to see if Benning adds young forwards w cap space. Take advantage of other teams cap issues.

    • Smithertime

      Gudbranson has been playing in the league for years. He’s unlikely to develop much further, so at this point he probably is what he is: a better version of Luke Schenn.

      • Ragnarok Ouroboros

        He has been in the league for years….

        So a 24 troll can’t improve. Every bit of hockey history is against what you just wrote? Chara.., Brent Burns was a 30 goal scorer at 24?!

        Why do stupid people have the ability to make stupid comments? Ohh the 1st Amendment.
        Actually keep making stupid comparisons and ridiculous opinions.l.l because I feel so much smarter!
        And that’s all that matters

    • Smithertime

      It’s important to note that the remnants of CA should not be confused with the “analytics crowd”…

      While they might belong to the same union, Josh, Rhys, Cam and even the grammatically challenged Moneypuck merited membership into the “analytics crowd” based on their work.

      JD, Dmitri and others were and are passengers.

      And ‘passengers’ is a euphemism for ‘anchors’…

      It is odd to see a commenter like Antro ask JD Burke about Gudbranson when – in reality – Antro is better versed in analytics than JD and every single literate person on CA can pick up on it.

      Antro itself knows it…

      It’s almost as though members of the self-proclaimed analytics community self-castrate instead of calling each other out when the stench of BS enters the room.

      It is the same reason why an independent artist and hockey fan – which is all I am – began the grassroots “get Gillis gassed” movement that came to fruition…

      It is the same reason why PITB wrote the more balanced articles on Gubranson.

      CA are the Conservative/Republican party and PITB are the Liberals/Democrats.

      While the latter might be better, the most important thing to remember is that they are working together…

      The same with Bell and Rogers and CNN and Fox News.

      And it’s the same reason Drance has accepted his defeat at the lyricism of NM00…

      Do not hate the player.

      Challenge the game…

      • Smithertime

        With all due respect NM00, the fact that you’re still allowed on this site no matter how many times you’ve criticized and slagged CA off is the most fishy of all fishiest smells.

        I think you know what we all know you know about you and CA.

    • Ragnarok Ouroboros

      Hilarious. Pedan and Tryamkin hasn’t prove jack in the league other than the fact that they’re “big”. Same for Virtanen. He’d be lucky to get more than 25 points despite being on the 2nd line next year. You’d see 8 times the amount of hits thrown, and I guess that’s good enough for the Canucks fans here. The Canucks will be in the bottom 5 in terms of points by defensemen. and again, the Canucks fan here will be happy because we were “gritty” and “tough to play against” even though they’re getting blown out every game.

      Absolutely delusional, rating unproven players this high.

  • Rob Robertson

    This column hasn’t been my favourite, but this one had quite a few good jokes!????

    The angry pitchfork-wielding mob of commenters might not try to start a riot and burn down this thread either! Doubleplusgood!

  • Ragnarok Ouroboros

    Keep these heckler articles coming. I like them. Never mind the haters. I never understand the people who complain about the analytic articles and yet they read every one of them.

  • Ragnarok Ouroboros

    I like this series. Keep it going please. A little humour goes a long way…. Plus, who doesn’t find those 2 muppets hilarious (hint: little kids) =)