Grading the Best and Worst Canucks Themed Olympic Diving Jokes

In case you hadn’t heard, the Vancouver Canucks have a reputation for diving. Some of it is earned, some of it is media driven nonsense, but it is what it is. 

This summer, thanks to the presence of diving and synchronized diving events at the Olympics, and also because of the Euro soccer tournament in June, diving has functionally dominated the sports fan consciousness. As such, Twitter has filled up on a daily basis with highly original, creative Canucks diving jokes, that aren’t at all repetitive.

Let’s look at some of the best (and the best-worst) ones, and judge them on a scale of one to ten.

This joke is messy, and not just because of the grammar issues. It’s such a convoluted barb, that it reads like someone intentionally satirizing bad humour. Take for example the following, "Who follows Milton on Twitter? His mother, because everyone else thinks he’s an idiot after interacting with him." That’s not really a joke, it’s just a debatably accurate statement.

As for whether or not Vancouverites think the Sedins are secretly competing in the Olympics, we do, but we’re pretty sure they’re playing badminton

We score this diving joke a 2.0

Up next, a tweet from awful hockey humour feed, "Bad Luck Hockey"

Hoo Boy, a fifteen month old photoshop (Christian Ehrhoff remains firmly in place) that plays on both the hyper original "diving team" concept and subtly tips it’s toes into the rarely used "Sedin sisters" trope. Notice how the twins in this photo are wearing women’s swimsuits in order to cover their boobies and vaginas? It’s because they’re not real North American men – get it!

Seriously, you pretty much have to be a sibling fucker to find this misogynistic crap amusing. And by "sibling fucker," of course, I mean "a Winnipeg Jets fan."

We score this diving joke a -2.0.

Up next: some other dumb ass.

What I found funny about this tweet is that out in the world somewhere, there is a person who thinks that Canucks coaching might help one overachieve! Maybe if your goal is to win whatever the equivalent of a President’s Trophy is in diving, you might consider bringing in Canucks coaches to consult, but if you’re going for gold: shoot higher than Alain Vigneault.

This joke is worth a 4.0 on our score board.

Up next: someone from the movie Fargo.

The Vancouver Canucks inspiring bronze medalists? That makes some sense.

As far as Canucks diving jokes this one is alright, but it’s a run of the mill throw away joke and not something I’d be super proud of having birthed into the world Then again, I’m not comic genius James Gunderson…

"Hey Eric, Eric did you see that funny joke I made! Did ya?" Yeah that’s not pathetic at all.

Let’s give Eric a 2.0 for form, but an 8.0 for effort and average the scores out at 5.0.

Up next: our pal Jesse Spector. 

A variation on the usual "Canucks helped the divers because they themselves are good at it" theme. Except this time, instead of the Vancouver Canucks offering their expertise to Olympic divers, Jesse conceives of Canucks management thinking outside of the box in their effort to add quality divers to the club.

Going after the world’s most populous nation in free-agency is a risky move, but they do draw a high number of penalties/60. LA Kings fans swear that China draws those penalties with their combination of speed and strength, but I’m pretty confident they do so mostly with theatricality…

I like this joke, we’ll give it a 7.5.

Up next, some guy who named their Twitter feed after the most powerful dark magic spell in the early Final Fantasy Games…

Canucks drafting in recent years has been very odd, so unless those divers are 43 and can be accurately described as "late bloomers," I doubt the Canucks will consider drafting them.

Also 3rd best at diving? Isn’t the internal logic of these jokes that the Canucks are – easily – the creme de la creme, the absolute fucking best at diving? If that’s the case then why would they be interested in drafting the third best diver? Sounds like a low-upside prospect…

We grade this diving joke a 5.0.

Up next: Damien Mox (at least that’s what I assume the M stands for).

Have to say, I admire the low concept simplicity of this particular joke. No set up, no punch line just an equation that says it all. Here’s another one: Canucks diving jokes = you need new material.

I give this diving joke a solid 8.0.

  • KleptoKlown

    Every team has players that takes dives. You expect some embellishments and whatnot, but it drives me crazy when Kesler (among others) goes down like he’s been shot.

    Most recent example I can think of is the playoff series with the Kings with Willie Mitchell.

    Mitchell should have got 2 for the cross-check, but Kesler’s Alexandre Despatie impression should have landed him in the box as well. These kind of plays reflect poorly on Kesler as an individual, and is an embarrassment to the team.

    At the end of the day, this poor reputation rests on Alain Vigneault’s shoulders. It’s up to him to stop this type of behavior, not encourage it.