You Know What I Hate?! – March 12th

This chess-playing kid is angry. And so am I.  Do people really get that angry playing chess? 
Or did this kid’s opponent spill his unflavoured almond milk or something.
(Photo from ebaumsworld)

Today I continue my weekly feature of me venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and around the NHL. Two things about feature… 1) It will appear (hopefully) every Monday (this week, Tuesday!), and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don’t.

This week, I deliver an illegal, unpunished hit to the Canucks disappearing "core", the red line, and suddenly sympathetic Bruins fans.

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You know what I hate?! The Canucks vanishing act. I’m actually dreading watching Canucks games lately, knowing that it’s going to be a exercise in futility. Several Canucks players, such as the Sedins, Burrows, Luongo, Edler, Bieksa, Salo, Hansen, and of course Raymond, just aren’t playing even remotely up to snuff, and the team has been mired in a miserable stretch of games. It’s rather unsettling that the bulk of that list is made up of players deemed to be the "core" of this club. But Saturday’s loss has to be the low-point of the season. A one-sided loss to one of the league’s worst team, and what’s worse: several Canucks players gave no physical push-back when the likes of PK Subban took liberties with the twins. It just showed how little the Canucks care right now.  And their next three games are against (in order) Phoenix, Columbus and Minnesota. Yeah, it’s gonna take ALL the powers of my fandom to watch games for the next 9 days. It’s really hard to embrace the hate when your team is jammed in neutral.

You know what I hate?! The very idea of the return of the red line. GTFO. Now. The two-line pass was the dumbest thing about hockey. It’s dumber than the trapezoid. It’s dumber than the glass clearing, delay-of-game penalty. It’s dumber than the shootout. If ANYONE with half a brain associated with the NHL thinks that the re-institution of the red-line and the two-line pass is the best way right now to slow down the game and cut down on head injuries, then he deserves to take a Zdeno Chara hit to a stanchion. (Relax, ya bleeding hearts. OF COURSE I’m exaggerating. It’s for effect, ya numbnuts.) Do you want to cut down on head injuries? START PENALIZING AND SUSPENDING EVERY HIT TO THE HEAD! And do you want to speed the game back up again? Go back to calling penalties!

You know what I hate?! Evgeni Malkin. YAH. Evgeni Malkin. How many players is he going to concuss before the league suspends him? Canucks fans know full well that Malkin knocked Willie Mitchell out for his final season with Vancouver with a nasty hit. Well he was at it again against Boston, as he hit Johnny Boychuk hard enough that you actually see little blue cartoon birdies fluttering above Boychuk’s helmet. Believe me, it PAINS me to empathize at all with anything related to Boston, in terms of injuries, but that Malkin hit was stupid and he now has a history of hitting players to the point of giving them concussions. God forbid the NHL actually shows that it sports some balls and suspends its leading scorer for an ugly hit. Because Lord knows THAT wouldn’t send a message.

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You know what I hate?! Suddenly sympathetic Bruins fans. You guys BEG for blood in every game. When Marchand chopped down Salo, the entire Bruins fanbase called Salo a pussy and tore him apart for FAKING injury. Yes, for faking a concussion. They think Brendan Shanahan hands out suspensions like they’re parking tickets. Oh, but WAIT. Malkin hits Boychuk and all of sudden it’s "Where’s the suspension?!" and "Shanahan is the new Colin Campbell!?" and "Where is the justice?!". CAMAN! You can’t have it both ways, Bruins fans. If you want blood, you got it. And your Bruins always find a way to deliver that. But you can’t beg for justice when your own blood is spilled. You live by the sword, you die by the sword. Now, see, us Canucks fans know how to do it probably. We whine about EVERYTHING so we’ve got our bases covered.

You know what I hate?! Flavour-of-the-month Dancing kids getting flown to NEW YORK!! WHAT?!?!?! Is that all it takes to take an all-expenses paid trip to New York to appear on the Today Show?! Dance like an idiot on TV?! Ok then, the next time I’m on camera, you turds are gonna see some HELLA embarrassing dancing! What’s that you say? It only works if you’re an adorable child with an endless number of awesome dance moves and the video of you dancing goes viral globally? Christ, man, I CANNOT catch a break. If only my kid was ever on TV 9 years ago in a continent-wide campaign for diapers. If only.