Agitator, Vampire, Controversial Tweeter Mike Duco Gets The Call


It’s time. Duco is headed back to Florida.
Vampire Nation is risen!
(Photo by canucks.com/Getty Images)

Canucks Nation is abuzz today with the news that their favourite undead hockey player, Mike Duco, has packed his fangs, cape and coffin down to FLA to join the Vancouver Canucks.

Duco, with his red eyes, pale skin and inability to be near garlic, will make his Canucks regular season debut against his former club, the Florida Panthers (aka the Future or Former Members of the Vancouver Canucks).

With Andrew Ebbett suffering a broken collarbone from a hit from Dennis Seidenberg, the Canucks were in need of a call-up from the Chicago Wolves. Whenever the Canucks have needed to bring someone up from the AHL, they have tried their best to bring up the player that is rolling the best, the hottest player on the team.

Well, Duco — so hot right now. Er.. sort of.

Duco scored a hat trick in his last game. Great. But he’s now scored 8 total for the whole season. He hadn’t exactly been lighting the league on fire of late. In fact, he had only one goal in December and a total of 4 points.

It is obvious that Mike Duco clearly glamoured the Wolves coaches and management into telling the Big Club that he was the most appropriate choice to make the leap to The Show.

What must also be taken into consideration is the fact that this next game is being played in metro Miami, an area which could arguably boast some of the most beautiful people in America. Vampires like Duco are renowned for their beauty, passion and love of the night… Uh hello?! That just SCREAMS Miami, doesn’t it?

As well, Duco is a former Panther so he is familiar with the area. As such, he’ll be able to warn his teammates and the rest of the organization of the places to avoid, lest they be rampant with werewolves, evil vampires and other types of other-worldly creatures that regular humans aren’t perceptive enough to detect. Do not underestimate the ability of a vampire to sniff out deadly beings ready to do unimaginable harm to human hockey players. Besides that, spending so much time in the area in the past gives Duco an advantage if he has to ditch a body drained of its blood (y’know for WHATEVER reason…). He would know exactly which glade would be the best to stash a fresh kill, away from the prying eyes of the local authorities. Let’s face it, when a vampire’s gotta feed, a vampire’s gotta feed. And the Canucks know full well that a full-on police investigation involving their club because a dead body turned up is just bad for business. So if they’re gonna call up Duco, now is the time to do it.

So between the glamouring, the venue and his history with the area, it makes sense that Duco would be the one to go to south Florida.

So have some fun, Mike. Be strong, be tough and make sure you hide the bloodless bodies of your victims in a familiar shallow grave.