Last night, Blackhawks sniper and Luongo nemesis Patrick Kane joined twitter. As the Blackhawks best offensive player – Patrick Kane is generally hated in these parts – but objectively he’s pretty awesome. Consider that he’s got super elite puck control skills, he scores a lot (goals and woman) and generally seems to live a hilarious, boozy life-style filled with things I think are cool (winning Stanley Cups, drinking, growing a disgusting mullet for jokes). He does some douchey stuff too like beating on cabbies over twenty cents, and taking his shirt off in limos – but I think most hockey fans can agree – Patrick Kane is fun to watch play hockey, and his off-ice exploits are also pretty hilarious. To have the guy on twitter has a lot of comedic potential, but the question remains – will it last? A controversial guy with a particular reputation and a big profile gets a lot of @mentions on the twitter-box, and some of them are super weird. Will he get scared off? If Patrick Kane’s first hour on twitter is any indication… Probably yeah.
It started out well enough, Elliotte Friedman, Bob McKenzie and Blackhawks beat-writer Chris Kuc tweeted out his handle and the hockey community started to get excited. What I’m assuming is Kane’s close friend from childhood, a fellow named "BMania Insania" welcomed Patrick Kane to twitter in an appropriate fashion:
Now, Kane obviously doesn’t want any baby-momma siphoning off his assets so I doubt he’d have taken his old friend BMania up on his offer – but it’s always nice to hear from old friends on social media – so Kane was off to a good start.
Then the complaints started from fans he’d been less than thoroughly polite too:
Okay, I’m sure Kane felt bad about that one – but at the same time – that RJ dude is probably just a whiner. Not Kane’s fault he doesn’t get along with every schmo who has enjoyed watching the Blackhawks since 2008… It only took 34 minutes from the creation of Kane’s account (seriously, I tracked this closely) for the worst type of tweeter to get at Mr. Kane. Yes 34 minutes after Patrick Kane opened his account – the first of, what are sure to be many, ass-holes got at the American speedster and *appalled gasps* asked for a birthday shoutout:
Uggh – why do people like this Justin Kleschen even exist? Nature is cruel.
Then the tweets making fun of him began to trickle in, many of them originating from a thoroughly predictable location:
Yeah Patrick Kane – cut your hair you hippie! And take a damn shower!
Wow I can’t believe someone from Vancouver would call Patrick Kane a "punk-bitch." So rare for Canucks fans to be rude on social media…
There was also a class of female hockey fan, who was worried that Patrick Kane might be scared away by the "crazy hockey skanks" who were sure to harass him on twitter…
Yeah cause Patrick Kane hates "crazy sluts" and definitely wants them as far away from him as possible. Not.
Oh, okay, maybe they will scare him off after all. Also – who would choose that Wookie Carcillo over fresh-faced Dennis the Menace like Patty Kane? I guess as a straight guy, I don’t understand…
Some people weren’t sure if they believed it or not. They required proof. About 50 people tweeted at him to verify his account in the first hour, but one guy had a more creative way of transferring the "burden of proof" onto Kane:
Hahaha oh man… Then came the bad suggestions from total strangers:
Don’t keep the Peruvian blow away from Kane! He needs all of the blow…
No, no we really don’t need Toews on twitter. Things I don’t care about reading in my timeline:
RT @JToews19 That was a long day of playing hockey and performing basic functionary operations. Times to plug myself in for the night and recharge – bleep bloop.
RT @JToews19 At Wrigely watching a baseball game with my cousin, I wonder if America thinks she’s pretty – bleep bloop bleep.
RT @JToews19 I heard a funny joke today, basically their was a monkey in a tree and it fell down because it was stapled to another monkey that was dead… or something like that. I suck at telling jokes.
Finally some dude named Jim Ryan unintentionally predicted exactly the way this is going to go down:
That’s right, even if it’s not what Jim meant to say – he’s dead on. Patrick Kane’s twitter account is basically guaranteed to produce a lot of material for Deadspin – who are probably the big winners in all of this.