The Great American Victory Report Pt. 4: Still the one

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have won the most gold ever but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

There are several very specific reasons why.

 

1. At no point did we have to change the rules.

Ready which country am I? "Oh hey, unbeatable speed skaters, we’re pretty sure we’re going to have to disqualify you and allow several Canadians to medal. Yeah, you, uh, changed lanes or something. Shoved somebody? Something like that. Tough noogies, pal."

I am Canada. Pretty easy to win when a Canadian official just so happens to be making decisions like that, I think.

2. Note to self: invent sports to win gold.

So Canada’s getting dominated in medal count, right? All Canadians feel very sad about this. I read the tweets and blog posts, so don’t try to tell me different. Then someone has the bright idea: maybe we just tell everyone the IOC has always gone by who had the most gold medals. Yeah okay guys sounds good, let’s get that out there. But wait Canada didn’t win ANY gold in Calgary.. what to do? Well, according to known Canadian Damien Cox: "Big reason why is most of the sports that have delivered gold in VAN didn’t exist back then." Oh now it all makes sense. Make up a bunch of crap sports and win at those. You have to applaud the scheming brilliance.

3. Something about a hockey game.

Oh yeah, you beat a team with Chris Drury on it. Bravo. How did you ever accomplish such a towering feat? Oh right, you had it in your country with three Canadian officials. Well done.

4. I said right from the get-go that it’s all about medal count.

And would ya lookit that. America: 37. Everyone else, especially Canada: considerably less than that. And again, that’s with Canada making up some malarkey against the great and accomplished Apolo Anton Ohno.

(5. Neil Young rules)

(He totally does. And I called him jamming Long May You Run at the closing ceremonies. Best Canadian thing at the Olympics.)

    • Pardon me?

      A guy takes off for half a day and I have disappeared? Whatevs, man.

      And yes… he's still funny. I suspect he was trying to get all his other writing's done (for PuckDaddy, etc.), and he fired this one up rather quickly (its quite a bit shorter than the rest… and he tweeted me before he posted it saying he wasn't sure he had time to write that last night, but he'd try). That line was in poor taste and has since been removed. Get ur panties out of a knot, Crash.

      • The kind of line he wrote would get a poster banned here….the guy is a loser…and you defending him makes me wonder about you.

        If I was to write that kind of trash do you think you might get your panties in a knot?

        • Which is why I said the line was in poor taste. I agree with it being removed and clearly TLP should have thought twice before hitting 'publish'. Take point #4 away, and the rest of the series of 'Victory Reports' was mostly funny.

          And it wasn't so much 'defending' him. I was trying to let those who didn't see it as satire to see it that way and not that he actually meant every word he said.

          The panties-in-a-knot line was meant in reference to you asking if I "suddenly disappeared". I realize now, that it may not have come off that way, but thats what I meant.

          In any case, Crash… peace man.

          • Certain people keep saying that his stuff is "funny". Are you guys for real or are you just sticking up for him out of professional courtesy. I think that should be the next ON poll: "Is TLP Funny?" I know how I'm voting…

            I don't even care about the Canada-bashing or the tasteless humor (everyone crosses the good taste line once in a while), what bugs me is what TLP does to the average quality level of Nation writings.

            FTLPNF

          • OilFan

            I never actually made any comments on TLP's previous attempts at being funny…I do remember you though trying to let those who didn't see it as satire to see it that way and at the time it appeared you were right on top of it.

            It had seemed to me that after he made the less than impressive remarks in his latest humour attempt that you had gone missing on purpose. My apologies if that wasn't the case.

            Peace it is

  • Jason Gregor

    @Gregor:

    I sided with some of the commenters, instead of thinking deeply what you implied. Sorry, sometimes my lack of English let's me down. This is an awkward situation for you, and I apologize for being critical. Anyways, this is getting heavy! Let's just move on. No need to keep this up, feelings will just be hurt. Again thank you bingofuel and Gregor for your efforts.

    Soooo… Any trades happen?

  • OilFan

    Please don't write anymore articles they are so so lame. Simple fact

    No one likes TPL's articles. I go to the nation for Willis and Brownlee only. I don't mind Gregor but some times he is wishy washy

    • Jason Gregor

      Wishy washy…How about you shut you damn pie hole…or maybe just keep writing cause your thoughts are insightful…or maybe you could be more polite next time…or maybe you should read more of TLP…or maybe just read ON…or maybe go watch the Bachelor, I hear it is great TV…or maybe don't change anything…you choose…I can't make a decision clearly…

  • Oh my! Look what TLP wrote (http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/What-We-Learned-Congrats-to-the-little-juggerna?urn=nhl,224853#remaining-content)

    Canada – It really is unbelievable that Sid Crosby, of everyone on the Canadian roster, was the one to score the game-winner. I know it's the big thing to act like Crosby's not as good as he is and dives and cries or whatever but what this kid has accomplished, just in the last year alone, is ridiculous. Oh and he's still tied for the NHL lead in goals, in case you'd forgotten that.

    Finland – In a move sure to guarantee Finland a gold medal in 2014, Olli Jokinen has announced that Saturday's bronze medal game was his last for the Finnish national team.

    Slovakia – On top of everything else, Lubomir Visnovsky also got busted by the IOC for doping. "The (urine) sample provided on Wednesday indicated a higher level of pseudoephedrine than the approved World Anti-Doping Agency limit of 150 micrograms per milliliter." So he took Advil, basically.

    USA – Y'know how mayors of cities whose teams are in, like, the Stanley Cup Finals or something, will bet some of its local cuisine (a case of hot dogs from Philly, pizza from New York, crippling depression from Detroit) on the outcome? Well Stephen Harper and Barack Obama did that over Sunday's hockey game. And what does Canada win? You guessed it: a 24-pack of Yuengling. Jeez, America, spring for the 30 at least.

    ~What poor quality of work he does~

    • RossCreek I think you may have missed the point – I don't care whether he's lauding or hating on Canada.

      [Note: I may have missed the point of your post by thinking it was the example of pro-Canada speech you are refering to, but I have to assume that this wasn't supposed to be an example of quality writing. And if your above insertion actually was intended to be a testament to the quality of TLP's writing rather than his warm and fuzzy stance on Canada, then I guess the standard for achieving "quality" is for one to sound like a tickertape summary of other people's news.]

      I'm gonna step into the realm of offending alot of people who post with regularity here, but the majority of bloggers offer very little of value to the internet in my opinion. I would go so far as to say they kinda suck.

      I read this place for the MSM input: more specifically, I want to know what Gregor, Steinberg and Brownlee have to say. Willis as well, but he's an exception because his number-based analysis is something that the MSM doesn't provide (I think most MSM readers would rather slit their wrists than read about CORSI numbers). What makes OilersNation articles (and very rare FlamesNation articles) special are the MSM insights and insider information.

      I've been a (somewhat) quiet enjoyer of this site for a long time, but the quality dilution is concerning and I don't want it to turn into another fan forum. Fan blogs are a dime a dozen.

  • Harlie

    I getted banned from the Nation for backtalking Brownlee and this assclown is allowed to post this garbage article???

    **This message will self destruct in 10…9…8…7…**