You: "Oh hey Wanye, thanks so much for writing Olympic updates like you said you would. We have really enjoyed the nine day gap with no articles ya fall down."
WG: "Thing is, last time we wrote the Canadians lost to the US. We since have come to believe that no OGDBs are good luck for the Canadian team which must come first at all times."
You: "If that’s the case, why are you writing today?"
WG: "To give the Women’s Team mad props and unveil a cool new feature for the site. Ok?"
You: (shamed silence)
WG: (crosses arms, smiles in smug victory)
HOW ABOUT THEM CANADIAN WOMEN?
We will begin by stating our preexisting condition: a tremendous amount of love for Canadian Women. We have devoted an inordinate amount of mental time in our life to thinking about Canadian Women, talking to Canadian Women, writing love letters to Canadian Women and adhering to the conditions of the restraining orders placed on us by Canadian Women.
So when we say that the Canadian Women last night put on World Class performance defeating the US 2-0 to win the Gold Medal we say it knowing that most people reading this article will yawn loudly, scratch their nether regions and continue reading hoping that the Oilers penalty killing is mentioned near the end of the article. The largely indifferent attitude of most people towards the Women’s Team blows our mind and bears further discussion.
One of the most amazing things about the Canadian Women’s Team winning Gold last night was the apparent total belief among every Man, Woman and Child in Canada that it was a foregone conclusion. We watched the end of the game from Earls Crossroads and a packed house barely even cheered until the final whistle had blown and the Gold Medals were being handed out.
We had treated ourselves to a couple of the Olympic Wobblies during the match and we sidled up to a table of guys – as depicted in an unrelated photo from the 1970s above – who were wearing various Team Canada gear and should have looked more excited than they did. We rolled up, Bud Light in hand and asked them about the results of the game.
WG: "So are you guys pumped about the Women winning Gold or what?"
Random Guy 1: "Yeah, I guess so. They are so much better than the rest of the teams though so it really wasn’t a surprise"
WG: "Surprise or not, it’s still good to win Gold isn’t it?"
Random Guy 2: "Yeah, I guess so." (idly stirs beer with finger)
WG: "What’s the matter with you idiots?! Don’t you realize we have struck gold? REAL GOLD MAN! IT’S ALL OURS!!" (cackles loudly, rubs hands together greedily)
(table sits in muted silence)
PROPS TO THE WOMEN
If there is one thing we can’t stand it’s guys like the ones we talked to last night. There they are, dressed to the nines in the Maple Leaf, witnessing a gold medal being brought home to Canada and barely breaking a sweat in celebration. These are the same types of people who probably cheer for a playoff bound Oilers team but haven’t watched any of the terrible tripe we are currently being served in months. These types aren’t fans of anything, they are just the dead weight that fans of teams have to occasionally drag along when their respective team goes on a hot streak.
We have said it a million times and we will say it again:
Bandwagon jumpers go home.
We know these 4 goofballs will probably stand and clap loudly when the Men win on Sunday, with the closest thing to joy their stone hearts can muster. They will probably then return to their loveless marriages and dumbly pat their estranged children on the heads and say "Daddy has seen history today Children, go entertain yourselves while we fondly recall the events of the day."
Cheering for the Men’s Team only doesn’t make you a patriot. Ignoring all of the other sports at the Olympics doesn’t make you a good Canadian either. Yes, we care mostly about the Men’s Hockey too and should probably give more love to the other sports so we are drawing a line and starting anew today releasing something we had orginally saved for when the Men win the Gold medal.
Citizen Alpha and the rest of the design team here at the Nation have been hard at work building a new feature of the site – street cred. The basic idea is this: half the time when you come to the Nations there are like 3,679 comments per article. Granted 3,678 of these are comments made by the different factions of the Ogden Brother Clan, but some folk don’t have the time nor the patience to read through all of the commentary, looking for the good stuff and ignoring the comments like:
WHAT TO DO
If you are logged in as a Citizen of the Nation you will now see a little "+1" button next to comments. If you click on this little button the comment recieves props. If more than one person clicks on the prop, the article gains points and gets street cred with the Citizens of the Nation.
Eventually stred cred will be an aggregate total of each Citizen’s props and disses on the Nation. Articles will have street cred too, so when yours truly servces up a brick of an article detailing the daily hygene habits of Tom Gilbert you can flame us to your hearts content.
In this fashion you will be able to sort articles and comments by props, discovering the commentary gold we all love such as:
POSITIVITY ONLY TO START
Because the OilersNation is currently wound up tighter than a drum due to the poor play of the Oilers we are going to introduce only props – the ability to give love to a comment – for the time being. This will prevent Citizens making accurate observations like "gee whiz, the Oilers’ powerplay sure sucks" only to get an immediate rating of -15,000 from the 61 remaining positive fans of the team.
In the offseason we will release the ability to diss a comment and will link Citizens total street cred scores to their profile page. Then we will have a little chart somewhere or other displaying the top citizens of the Nation as ranked by street cred. Then we will all know who the awesomest person is around here and can shower them with gifts of fruit as tradition requires.
In the meantime however we offer you props.
AND THE VERY FIRST PROPS GO TO
The Women’s Hockey Team and all the other athletes that have been getting no love at these Olympic games despite their awesome performances. Bless each and every one of your hard working hearts. We apologize that the Men’s Hockey team has a cumulative $3.4 billion dollar salary and the rest of you folks are forced to work at Rona during the year to keep the bills paid.
You deserve better from the millions of bandwagon jumping Canadians who clap thrice when you succeed and bitch loudly when you don’t come in first. Each and every one of you have done Canada a great service with your efforts and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Mad props to you ladies.