The most annoying fans…

I bet the annoying fan is similar to the bad hockey parent: oblivious to their actions. When they hear people complain about the obnoxious fan, they nod their head in approval, meanwhile at the next game they are the dork who has everyone in their section hoping they’ll leave.

Based on the amount of responses we got from our ANNOYING FAN contest — mentioned here and on Just A Game — it’s clear many of you have encountered a fan that pisses you off.

Our winner, John, won tickets to three Oiler games v. Detroit, San Jose and Nashville. We will have another listener/reader contest in January for more Oiler tickets.

Here are some of the better responses:

Montreal Fan – When HNIC is broadcast from Montreal, all you see in the stands are guys in $1500 Hugo Boss suits drinking $25 beer.  Really, who wears a suit and tie to watch a hockey game? Of course they’re sitting with their surgically enhanced, bubble headed trophy wife or girlfriend whose hockey IQ is rivaled only by their bra size.  Their love of their storied franchise has been tempered with recent team mediocrity, but of course, the truth means nothing to these poutine eaters because the Canadiens are from Quebec and everyone knows that everything from Quebec is the best!

 —Howie in Edmonton

Oilers Fan – Spending time with Oilers fans is like stepping back in time.  If you close your eyes, you swear you’re back in your parent’s basement rumpus room watching Kurri set up Gretzky… only everyone’s bigger.  These oil patch, 4×4 pickup driving, rednecks are stuck in the nineties.  Was it any wonder that Ryan Smyth was a former Oiler favorite to these time warped, mullet wearing fans?   They cling to past glories in a vain attempt to find something to cheer about in Oilerland.  If the current version doesn’t live up to the successes of the Oilers from the nineties, these rabid fans quickly turn on anything … coaches, management, players. It’s like watching tigers eat their young.  Even with the quick start enjoyed by the team this year, the radio airwaves are filled with caller’s complaints about how Horcoff is playing or how uninspired Hemsky is playing.  As for the female oiler fan, the only nice thing I can say about them is that all their tattoos are spelled correctly.

—Louie in Edmonton

Maple Leaf Fan – A wise man once said “It is better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt”. Sadly, Toronto Maple Leafs (and their GM) have decided to try and defy the odds, opening their mouths to try and remove said doubt. Swing and a miss. When the only people in Rexall Place that remember your last Stanley Cup Championship are Robin Brownlee and Pat Quinn, you have some issues. Most fans would realize that and shut up, but not the Leafs fan. He’ll sit down beside you, hold up his "Can’t Beat Cherry" sign, and then spend the next three hours either complaining about something his team did, or yelling obscenities at the official that “Should have been the First Star, because he beat the Leafs all by himself!“ If you ever have the misfortune of having to sit through a Leafs game, make sure you do it in Toronto. You’ll be outnumbered, and have to listen to some lectures to start, but at least you can join in with the home town fans booing the local boys off the ice at the end of another sub-par night of hockey. Trust me, it’s awesome…

—Adam

The Bandwagon Fan – These are the guys who watched 8 games last year, but they had been calling for Mac T’s head for years, because they know hockey!  They’re the same guys who enter a pool and always curse about Gaborik getting injured and killing their team (by the way, if Gaborik doesn’t go down soon, I’m in trouble). It is these fans who made it impossible to get playoff tickets for less than $300 a pop in 2006 because they HAD TO BE THERE! If you’re not cheering for the Oilers in October, November, and December, I don’t want you there donning the Oil drop sweater come April!

 —Greg

To our saddle ass extremists down south – When I point to Calgary on a map, I use my middle finger. When I see a Flames jersey, I feel duty bound to denigrate it in one way or another. I can’t however, in good faith, knock the Flamer intelligence factor – threatening another team from your home phone takes balls – balls which clearly haven’t descended for you yet. Keep slamming that glass after every play, I can’t tell you how much joy it brings me to see that mullet flicker in the air as you whip your head back and forth trying to get Phaneuf to actually fight for once. And who doesn’t appreciate a little of that inbred culture spilling onto the Red Mile. How fortunate to see staggering drunks, hungover since 2004, Woo’ing at oncoming traffic, flashing a set of man-boobs that only Ralph Klein could truly appreciate – and throw quarters at.  Damn I love Calgary –  all 1 cup and assorted sloppy seconds of it.

—Sabeeh

Canucks Fan – I cast no dispersions at Canuck fans for their ridiculous, constant over-rating of their teams;  they have no experience with the look and feel of a true contender, the aura of a champion. Every used car seems like the best one ever if you’ve never owned a new one. Their Gretzky and Messier, their Lemieux and Jagr, are Trevor Linden and Stan Smyl. They are to be pitied.

—Vance in LA

Philadelphia Fan – Pick a team, the fans are all nuts. You could have a half time show featuring a puppy show sponsored by an orphanage for sick kids, and a choir of war widows, and the fans would pelt them with snowballs and beer bottles. But being Philly, the war widows would throw them back.

—Brian

The Kool-Aid Drinking Oilers’ Fan –  Ah yes… this is that ever-optimistic group of Copper and Blue, Oil Country lovers to whom any glass – regardless of any losing streak, Penner problem, or “MacBlender Mix-up (see that stick measurement debacle in the playoff run last year) – is always completely full, and, if you look at the mug… in just the correct inebriated light – actually (insert giddy giggle here) may be overflowing!  This is the group that dreams the impossible dream that after a 2007-08 “So Close and Just Missed the Playoffs Run”, in which Cogs and the other newbies played great for a glorious eight game, zero-pressure cause they’re too far out, stretch, thought that 08-09 would be the year that these rookies would suddenly become as seasoned as a fine wine and compete for the cup.  Their cups would runneth over…. oh yes, if not for “Gags”!!!

—Jeff

The digital generation has created what I call the Facebook Fan. Facebook Fan is always having the time of their life. Facebook Fan is more concerned with the way they look instead of who wins or loses.

They obstruct your view, block entrances, and generally annoy everyone. Facebook Fan will have their pictures posted online before the game ends. Their suggestive photos are often taken in front of couples, kids, and the elderly.

Do I work for Cosmo? Unless you’re single and gorgeous, don’t ask me to snap shots of you at a game. Failing to co-operate will result with my beverage spilling on your camera or cell phone…

—Nate Full of Hate

Oilers Fan, part deux – The know-it-all, knew-it-all, wannabe general manager and head scout fan of Edmonton – he fortunately is only a small percentage of our team’s fan base – but he’s the most vocal, so he tends to annoy more than his share of other fans. Everybody knows one of these blokes – he’s the guy who absolutely knew that Milan Lucic was gonna be a stud before anybody else did and questions every poor draft choice the Oilers ever made. He lives in a fantasyland totally oblivious to the concept of hindsight being 20/20. He’s the mensa candidate who can’t figure why the Oil don’t trade a couple 4th liners and a 6th round pick for a 35 goal winger our team needs. Too many times he’s phoned your sports show to ask about Schremp and question Edmonton’s coach and management – "why can’t the Oilers do the math –  last year Robbie played 4 games and got 3 points – holy cow that’s a 60 point potential player we let walk away.."uuuugggghhhh give me a break!

—Ron K

Dear Diary,

Picked up a two’fer of beer and got a free 6 pak!  Turns out it was a six pak of tikex to the Nashville Predators. Never herd of ‘em. Cuzin Red sez thay iz a new Profeshunal Huntin Team! He sez “bring yer gun!” I’m gonna bring my gun! Sownds fun! Kant rite long, Pro Bass Fishing Weekly is on tha Tee Vee!

Signed,
As Close To A Southern US Hockey Fan As You Will Ever Find!

—Brent K

FANS WITH POETIC PROWESS

Leafs Fans
Leafs fans seem confused.
Building’s full, though team still sucks.
Keep dreaming, losers.

Canadians Fans
Habs fans sicken me.
Oops, that should have been in French.
Je m’appelle stupide.

Oil Fans
Game one – trade Hemsky
Game eleven – fire the coach.
STILL GONNA WIN CUP!

—Jason “the Haiku”

Calgary Flames Fans   

Here we go, lets talk about the neighbour to the south, who has yet to win the cup in 20 years but likes to run their mouth, The team is better than everyone, we have heard this year after year, and if you argue with one of them it will lead you to having a beer, thrown on you of course because for them its a sign of respect, with their hockey hero being Theoren Fleury what would you expect?

—Shawn W.

Twas the night before the season and Leaf fans were bettin,
They were absolutely sure, a cup they were gettin.
Their jerseys were pulled over their pinheads with care,
Because they were dumb enough to think Stanley, soon would be there.

Their little leaf children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Stanley danced in their heads.
With leaf girl in her jersey and leaf boy in his cap,
They were completely unaware, their team was just crap.

When out on the ice there arose such a clatter,
Leaf boy sprang from his espresso to see what was the matter.
Away to the TV he flew in a flash,
Never realizing his team was just recycled trash.

The lights on the middle of the new-flooded ice,
Fooled leaf boy into thinking, that his team was quite nice.
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But five ham’n eggers and a goalie from league beer.

With a little mean coach whose black eyes shone,
Leaf fan knew in a second it must be St. Ron.
More rapid than turtles his players they came,
And he cursed them and shouted and called them bad names!

"Now Blake! Now Hagman! Now, Poni and Stajan! On, Mayers! On, Finger !
They were so bad Ron was just ragin !
To the top of the Slot! To the top of the half wall!
Not one play they could make and from grace they did fall!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, leaf players do cry.
But on to the net the leafs they flew,
Cross-checked at the net though, they went number two.

And then in a twinkling, Leaf boy heard at the roof
The prancing and pawing of a large Irish hoof.
Leaf boy got off the couch to take a look round,
He saw it was St. Brian, the newest leaf clown.

He was dressed in Armani, from his toes to his hair,
But even that couldn’t contain his enormous hot air.
A bundle of tough guys he had flung on his back,
Not one of them a player, not one of them worth jack.

His eyes-how they pierced! His dimples a no-show!
His neck vein was throbbin about Kevin Lowe.
His big fat mouth was open and yellin,
But after all the coffee and dumplings, his breath it was smellin.

The stump of a cigar he held tight in his teeth,
All the people around him he considered beneath.
He had a broad face and a big round gut,
He never would laugh, he seemed like a nut!

He was chubby and plump, but not a jolly old elf,
Yet Leaf fan still loved him in spite of himself!
With a wink of his eye, he made a trade that was bad,
But leaf fan was too dumb to know he’d been had.

He spoke many words, most of them bluster,
yet leaf fan believed a cup he would muster.
But laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
He went on to the next job, still smelling a rose.

He sprang to his Lexus, to his team gave a chuckle,
For lose the Leafs did, and under they did knuckle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Leaf fans are so stupid, they thought I was right!"

—Blaine

If you wanna find an annoying man just sit behind a Maple Leafs fan. Foam finger on one hand, a tissue in the other, for the last 40 years Stanley danced with another. If he’s around for a while, then he’ll live to see the Oil win the race to Cup number 14. To rub it all in and for this poem to rhyme, the Oil win it all, like, 1/6th of the time.

In a close second comes the fan that chooses to shout le boo when he scores and when he looses. A little confused, I would dare to say, when your most recent hero Roy-fused to play. Now that I sound like Elmer Fudd, garcon is your team a stud or a dud?

The fan that is third may be a surprise since we often we think his blank gathers no flies. But believe with no doubt, after a loss, this man will complain as much as your boss. You might have guessed, if you a smart man Coming in show… the losing Oil fan     

—Gregg S

Captain Obvious and His Cousin, Mr. Doyathink

You’ll find these fans everywhere you go.  From the stands to the sports bars to the local Tim Horton’s line.  Captain Obvious and his: “If only Moreau didn’t trip that guy then the Oilers wouldn’t be short handed.” , “If the Oilers had a better power play, they’d be way better off.” Or my personal favorite, when the Oilers are losing by a goal, “Man, the Oilers really need to score a goal here. If only Hemsky had scored back in the first.”  And once that guy gets going, his cousin starts asking the stupid questions: “Do you think the Oilers could use a 50 goal scorer?” “Do you think that Hemsky should shoot more?” “Do you think that the Oilers need to play better defense?” And of course you answer with a stare of “Are you friggin kidding me?”   

The Bad Sports Radio Show Caller

Every radio show has this guy.  It’s like a bad audition gone wild.  He’ll call in and start with a lame ass joke.  Something like: “I don’t know what’s crappier, the Oilers power-play or the turd my dog just dropped on the porch.” Then he’ll say something so ridiculous that the host is speechless because his head just exploded.  Something along the lines of “I think the Oilers should try to trade Horcoff, Grebeshkov and $5 million cash for Ovechkin.” And follow that up with a “The Caps would be stupid not to take that deal”.  When the host regains consciousness he’ll say “That’s a great idea.  While we’re at it, let’s trade Pouliot for Crosby”  At this point the caller’s feelings are hurt and he tries to defend his position.  But because he didn’t really think his comment through, he starts throwing haymakers with the hope of landing something solid.  Stuff like “But Horcoff is hands down the best 5 on 3 penalty killing forward in the world.” and “Grebeshkov is the next Sergei Gonchar.”

Dallas Star Fans

If every time you sing the national anthem, and you have to yell your team’s name extra loud because it’s in the national anthem, then you are a frickin annoying Dallas Stars fan.  If you have to be reminded every time you go to a hockey game that your guns aren’t allowed in the building then you’re a frickin annoying Dallas Stars fan.  And if you live in Texas and think that because your state is big and that you can roll up to little Minnesota, steal their team, then win a Stanley Cup with Oiler killer Modano, and that makes Dallas the hockey capital of the world, then you’d be wrong but you’d still be a frickin annoying Dallas Stars fan.  

—John L

Last day for Drafts!

Today also marks the final day that you can sign up for our NationDrafts online. Go to NationDrafts.com and make sure you’re entered. There are some awesome prizes from all of the companies taking part this season. Tell your friends!