Criteria for buying an NHL team

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With all the craziness yesterday about the NHL formally submitting a bid for the Phoenix Coyotes, I found myself wondering what, exactly qualifies someone to submit a bid for an franchise.

As it happens, there are probably at least eight qualifications that the NHL uses to gauge whether or not you are qualified to own an NHL team. At least, that’s at least as many as I figured out before I stopped caring.

1. Do you have the money?

It’s the most important consideration, I bet, and I’d imagine that goes for any sports league. I remember back when the Red Sox were up for sale back in the first few years of this decade, and I think the current owners submitted a bid of over $700 million dollars, which was substantially more than the $2,200 I offered. I guess I get why this is an important factor, but, because the league has repeatedly told Jim Balsillie to take a hike despite his large bids, it can’t be the only one.

2. Are you a good dude?

Remember, the NHL Board of Governors recently rejected Jim Balsillie’s bid for the Coyotes, which is considerably greater than some of the other bids that have been kicked around over the last few months, on the grounds that he didn’t seem like a nice person. Well, the term was that he lacked the “character and integrity” to own an NHL team. For real. He can’t hang with regular nice guys like Charles Wang, who underreported TV ad revenues so he could pocket more money while keeping the team terrible. He can’t hold a candle to a stand-up guy like Eugene Melnyk, whose company maybe could’ve bribed doctors to prescribe an experimental drug it was putting out (charges here in the US are pending) and also possibly defrauding insurance companies over the value of a truck that crashed by anywhere from 2.5-5 times its actual worth. Y’know, real gentlemen like that.

3. What is your status as a Canadian?

This is HUGE, and it’s a yes/no question. I’m sure the application paperwork reads, “Are you Canadian?” Answering in the affirmative gets you sent straight to the reject pile no questions asked.

4. Are you willing to ignore geographical fact to make a point?

Sure, Phoenix has repeatedly shown that it has no interest whatever in attending hockey games, for any number of reasons. The most often-cited is that the Coyotes don’t actually play in Phoenix, but rather Glendale, which is, they say, a bit out of the way for Phoenix residents. And if you’ve never been to Phoenix, then this might sound like a logical argument. But I have, and Glendale is very close to the city. Google Maps says it’s just over 14 miles. BY HIGHWAY. This is like if the NHL cried over lack of attendance at Flames games because the rink was, by way of comparative distance and travel time, in Chestermere.

5. Would you like to lose boatloads of money for “the good of the game?”

Sure, the Coyotes are losing money by the bucketful and are unlikely to turn a profit any time in the next billion years thanks to a number of factors which boil down largely to crumminess of team and market. But how good of an owner you are depends largely upon how willing you are to live life on the red side of the ledger (are ledgers separated into sides? I don’t know). If you’ll suffer the indignity and financial burden of losing something like $40 million a season for forever, on top of your already-hefty bid, then you’re an ideal candidate.

6. Did you possibly try to circumvent the NHL’s rules for buying a team?

If the answer is only “maybe,” then you’re fine.

7. Are you and your bid a complete fraud?

No problem, buddy, come on in.

8. Did you invent the BlackBerry?

This is apparently very important. If you have high hopes that you’ll land an NHL franchise, please do not be a person that invented a piece of technology that changed the way we think about cell phones. This is the kind of thing that makes an interviewer frown across his desk at you before sighing deeply and checking “No” on a single sheet of paper held to a clipboard.

  • lj

    jeanshorts wrote:

    @ Travis Dakin:
    @ Ender the Dragon:
    And it’s kind of nice to have him back right? It’s like a pair of pants you always seem to piss. They’re comfortable but there’s always something a little off about them.

    It appears that most males with a condition of uncontrollable urination also suffer from erectile dysfunction – when I saw it was JSBM, it then was crystal clear.

    hxxp://doctor.ndtv.com/faq/ndtv/fid/14185/How_do_I_control_the_frequent_urge_to_urinate-.html

  • lj

    @ DeepOil:

    I'm pretty sure I have the opposite condition though. Not only do I piss all the time, but I'm fully erect 24/7. That makes it difficult to wear tear away pants let me tell you.

  • lj

    Great property for sale next door to Kevin Lowe at 5620 Whitmud Drive (RIVERBEND BRANDER GARDENS)

    hxxp://www.realtor.ca/propertyDetails.aspx?propertyId=8622276

    Overpriced at $18 million in Siberia, Alberta when the largest sale for a home was $10.3 million in Calgary (Mike Veron's House).

    So for $10 million in Edmonton, maybe the new owner can get Lee Fogolin to knock down the 7500sq ft home and start over with a rink in the front yard.

    Seems that Katz's black surburban is still parked face forward on the driveway at Valley View drive taking notes – license plates of people looking at houses, with new construction of the Katz guest house across the street.

  • lj

    jeanshorts wrote:

    @ DeepOil:
    I’m pretty sure I have the opposite condition though. Not only do I piss all the time, but I’m fully erect 24/7. That makes it difficult to wear tear away pants let me tell you.

    I have never heard of Cialis or Viagara causing uncontrollable urination, you are supposed to see a doctor after 4 hours of wood, you can then ask him
    about the potty training program…. or start wearing
    DEPENDS.

  • lj

    Milli wrote:

    hey, if we put an NHL team in Hamilton, pretty soon Winipeg will want one, the Red Deer will, the Calgary…..

    THAT'S freaking funny! Done for sure, but still funny!

  • lj

    BK wrote:

    Milli wrote:
    hey, if we put an NHL team in Hamilton, pretty soon Winipeg will want one, the Red Deer will, the Calgary…..
    THAT’S freaking funny! Done for sure, but still funny!

    Tampa to WPG
    Nashville or Florida to Red Deer
    Atlanta to Vaughn, Ontario

    Note that MLSE would be better off being a landlord to a second team (like Clippers / Staples)rather than compete with a second arena for concerts and tradeshows.

  • lj

    DeepOil wrote:

    Note that MLSE would be better off being a landlord to a second team (like Clippers / Staples)rather than compete with a second arena for concerts and tradeshows.

    Dammit; I hate to credit Deep for an interesting thought, but that may be true. If I was the Leafs (MLSE)and knew another team was coming whether I liked it or not, I'm not sure what I'd like better; bringing the new team under my existing roof and splitting the ticket revenue sales on hockey or letting the People of Hamilton buy the hockey tickets but risk losing some spin-off event revenue to a new facility down the road. On the one hand, getting my enemy to pay me rent to play in my building is a nice thought. On the other hand, I want people in Toronto following and cheering for the Leafs. Period. It's a tough call.

  • lj

    Ender the Dragon wrote:

    DeepOil wrote:
    Note that MLSE would be better off being a landlord to a second team (like Clippers / Staples)rather than compete with a second arena for concerts and tradeshows.
    Dammit; I hate to credit Deep for an interesting thought, but that may be true. If I was the Leafs (MLSE)and knew another team was coming whether I liked it or not, I’m not sure what I’d like better; bringing the new team under my existing roof and splitting the ticket revenue sales on hockey or letting the People of Hamilton buy the hockey tickets but risk losing some spin-off event revenue to a new facility down the road. On the one hand, getting my enemy to pay me rent to play in my building is a nice thought. On the other hand, I want people in Toronto following and cheering for the Leafs. Period. It’s a tough call.

    With three / four teams in the tri state NY, NJ, PA area as a comparison, there is enough fan base, and sponsorship money for two teams in Toronto and one in Hamilton – the problem is the salary cap floor will increase creating hardship for Tampa, Florida, Atlanta
    and Nashville.

  • lj

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  • lj

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