Six Tips for Ryan Miller to survive in Vancouver

The Stanchion
July 01 2014 01:56PM

Don't do this?

OK Ryan, you got your money, and you're all set to play hockey in a crazy market like Vancouver. Before the puck drops, however, I would like to offer up some advice on how to survive your three years in our beautiful city.

Tip #1: Be funny on twitter

I can't stress this one enough. Just start making jokes on twitter. It could be about anything, just as long as you're cracking wise and making people laugh. Had a bad game? Make fun of yourself. Had a bad week? Talk about The Bachelor. Had a bad month? Bust out a poop joke.

twitter3

See how easy it is? Now I know this might be hard to believe, but Roberto Luongo was once known as a prickly sort of fellow, until people discovered his twitter account. Then when they saw Luongo making jokes, all was forgiven, and Luongo enjoyed a revival as a hero of the people of Vancouver. The moral of the story? Yell at the media all you want, cut interviews short all you want, but always end on a twitter joke. Never forget to ABJ. Always Be Joking.

Tip #2: Keep that Lucic hate burning bright


Vancouver fans generally don't enjoy Milan Lucic (unless you're in his crew, then they will come after you and call you mean names. They once told me they never forget a name or a face after I did an article on Lucic's downtown screaming session), so nothing will warm you up to the locals more than if you just randomly express how much you hate Milan. It doesn't even have to be in context, just randomly say it in a post game interview for no reason.

"Yeah, the third period was great, but man, isn't Milan Lucic such a piece of s**t?"

or

"We just have to go out there, stick to our game plan, and always remember, Lucic is a piece of s**t."

You will find people nodding their heads in agreement and putting their hands up for a high five without even realizing what they are doing.

Tip #3: Become best friends with Eddie Lack

Vancouver fans watched as fan favorites in Roberto Luongo and Cory Schneider had their souls systematically crushed by the previous management. In Schneider's case, it was the equivalent to working your ass off to one day become manager, only to be fired when you finally got your promotion, and sent to a new company to start over again. In Luongo's case, it was like taking a baseball bat and hitting him in the face, screaming "Why don't you appreciate me anymore??" before giving him a sweet retirement package.

All of this led to Eddie Lack being the lone survivor of the three headed goalie monster (props to Andrew Raycroft for partaking in this dance at the start), and because Eddie follows rule number one, "Be funny on twitter", many fans have grabbed a hold of him and have a huge devotion to him. 

So it would behoove you to treat Eddie nice and at least pretend to be buddies with him. Make jokes, pose for pictures, and generally try and avoid anything that might start the dreaded "goalie controversy" narrative from starting (it will start regardless, it's just best to try and hold it off as long as you can.)

Tip #4: Keep an eye out on Eddie Lack

While this might be weird after seeing tip number three, it is kind of convenient that Eddie Lack was the lone survivor.... Watch your back, otherwise you might find yourself being "retired" to Florida. Roberto knows.

Tip #5: Make a friend at Canucks Army (who isn't me)

Not gonna lie to you Ryan, the guys at Canucks Army weren't happy with the draft. They weren't happy with the moves made on day one of free agency. They weren't too stoked a lot of money was spent on you. You'll want to make friends with one of the stats guys and make him biased towards you, otherwise you will see mountains upon mountains of stats over the next few years proving without a shadow of a doubt, not only are you an average goalie, but also quite possibly the devil, too.

Seriously, sometimes they are able to convince me my name is Jeff Bridges and that I do battery commercials for a living, that's how good they are at wielding stats like a weapon. You need to get one of them on your side before it's too late!

Tip #6: Winning a Cup gives you a license to kill

Seriously, I haven't seen a Cup won in Vancouver, but Trevor Linden ALMOST won a Cup, and the man is a God in Vancouver who can basically do whatever he wants. Should you be the guy who propels the Canucks to win a Cup somehow during this rebuild phase, I don't know what will happen, but I'm assuming you will be given a green light to kill anyone who displeases you, as well as free grapes whenever you want. Use that as motivation.

Ed73c95199a7c52e70a7ff5fe66a1e13
Current freelance writer for The Province and Canucks Army. You can find me on twitter @thestanchion screaming about sports and making fun of Eddie Lack's gaming skills.
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#1 canooks
July 01 2014, 02:19PM
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We saw 2 cups won in Vancouver 2011 and 1982. Just not for the Canucks.

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#2 kevbo
July 01 2014, 02:44PM
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The Lucic bit is pure gold.

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#3 Matt
July 01 2014, 03:08PM
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Does the guys at CanucksArmy like anything Canucks do!? I wonder...

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#4 Dimitri Filipovic
July 01 2014, 03:13PM
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@Matt

No, that would be preposterous.

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#5 Canuckistanian
July 01 2014, 03:24PM
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Lolz, sometimes it helps to have some Stanchion perspective.

As for Tip#2, very true. I smiled and started to like the Miller signing much more just from my memory if him (accurately) describing Lucic as a pos. Felt like giving him high five while nodding my head

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#6 Lemming
July 01 2014, 05:33PM
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Free grapes!? Aw man, I'm in the wrong line of work!!

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#7 Ted
July 01 2014, 06:57PM
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Matt wrote:

Does the guys at CanucksArmy like anything Canucks do!? I wonder...

I think most of the guys at CA, aka Whiner Nation, are the prototypical armchair GM's. Always critical even though they've never come close to working for an NHL organization in any capacity (I don't count the concession stands or security in that quip).

I would love to see plan for what the GM should do from here on out from each of the bloggers at CA. THAT would be entertaining.

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#8 Lemming
July 01 2014, 07:24PM
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Ted wrote:

I think most of the guys at CA, aka Whiner Nation, are the prototypical armchair GM's. Always critical even though they've never come close to working for an NHL organization in any capacity (I don't count the concession stands or security in that quip).

I would love to see plan for what the GM should do from here on out from each of the bloggers at CA. THAT would be entertaining.

So they're derisively called armchair GMs, who should be armchair GMs and say what they think the GM should do going forward? You're really knocking them out of the park today.

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#9 NM00
July 01 2014, 07:35PM
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Ryan Miller may be signed for a year too long.

BUT it could be quite a bit worse.

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/feature/?id=25880

On the bright side, Grabovski is still available and, unlike last offseason, the Canucks have the cap space and opportunity.

Replacing Lou and Kesler with Miller & Grabo would at least allow the team to battle for a wildcard spot.

Welcome to the axis of mediocrity...

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#10 millfiSh
July 01 2014, 07:37PM
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Finally something posted on CA worth reading!

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#11 Lemming
July 01 2014, 07:57PM
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@NM00

That's true, if they could at least grab Grabovski, the Canucks could actually be decent. Not great, but decent, at least.

The trouble is that they still need to sign Vey, Kassian, and Tanev, so it would get down to the point that it would depend on how much Grabovski wants, and how much those other 3 get signed for.

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#12 NM00
July 01 2014, 08:39PM
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@Lemming

The Canucks have nearly $12 million in cap space and it's closer to $13 million if one of the backup goalies is off the roster.

http://www.capgeek.com/canucks/

Even after signing Tanev, Kassian & Vey, the Canucks could maybe offer 1 year and $4 million or so.

Is Grabovski really going to get more of a raise than that?

Crazier things have happened...

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#13 Lemming
July 01 2014, 09:28PM
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@NM00

I could see him getting 5-6. Free agency isn't exactly known for its propensity to be reasonable.

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#14 Ted
July 01 2014, 09:46PM
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Lemming wrote:

So they're derisively called armchair GMs, who should be armchair GMs and say what they think the GM should do going forward? You're really knocking them out of the park today.

Yep. I am on fire today.

It might help to maybe not be so negative and act like they know better? Maybe? Hmmmmm. Might be an odd move, I know. You name suits you rather well.

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#15 NM00
July 01 2014, 09:47PM
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@Lemming

True.

But teams don't seem to like Grabovski as much as they should.

Somebody is very possibly going to be a bargain.

And it's probably not the team that just spent $70 million on Niskanen & Orpiks...

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#16 NM00
July 01 2014, 09:50PM
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@Ted

So refreshing after the incessant stream of bile from Whiner Nation.

I highly recommend submitting a job application to the Canucks front office.

Your meat and potatoes analysis is right up their alley...

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#17 Matt
July 01 2014, 11:24PM
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@Dimitri Filipovic

Right! Keep on bashing everything they do, cause you're the real thing! With you at the helm we'd won 100 SC's :-D

LOL

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#18 Ryan
July 01 2014, 11:58PM
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@Matt

Ha ha... second that!

Perhaps they should realize that THEY are the fanbase they're always complaining about! ;-)

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#19 Eric
July 02 2014, 12:27AM
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@Ryan

Wow... You just ripped a hole in my mind

Profound.

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#20 islander
July 02 2014, 12:37AM
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NM00 wrote:

Ryan Miller may be signed for a year too long.

BUT it could be quite a bit worse.

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/feature/?id=25880

On the bright side, Grabovski is still available and, unlike last offseason, the Canucks have the cap space and opportunity.

Replacing Lou and Kesler with Miller & Grabo would at least allow the team to battle for a wildcard spot.

Welcome to the axis of mediocrity...

Speaking of the axis of mediocrity, I wonder how Vey will feel this year having linemates that aren't as good as the ones he had in the AHL?

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#21 Ted
July 02 2014, 11:36AM
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NM00 wrote:

So refreshing after the incessant stream of bile from Whiner Nation.

I highly recommend submitting a job application to the Canucks front office.

Your meat and potatoes analysis is right up their alley...

I don't remember offering an analysis.

I'm not sure why I'm bothering to reply to you. You're an idiot and one of the charter members of the village idiot club. Maybe if you offered an opinion that wasn't moronic, I'd think otherwise. Why are there so many 15 year olds on here?!

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#22 Matt
July 02 2014, 11:45AM
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@Ted

Because they've got nothing better to do than ;-)

I thought CanucksArmy was a place for Canuck lovers, but I guess I was wrong.

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#23 NM00
July 02 2014, 12:11PM
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@Matt

I think this is what you're looking for...

http://forum.canucks.com/

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#24 Eric
July 02 2014, 07:10PM
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@Matt

It was.

Back when Drance was writing this place was a safe haven from all the Tong G imitaters out there.

What CA needed was a JB style succession plan for when Drance moved on... instead we got Dimitri who opened the doors for all the haters - and he's likely gonna block my IP address for saying this, he blocked my work IP last time I called him out LoL

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