"I'm gonna go with f*ck myself" -- Graphic Guide to the SC Final

Graphic Comments
June 12 2013 03:48PM

I'm gonna go with f*ck myself

That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

Seriously, is there a worse possible match-up out there, if you're a Canucks fan? If there is, I'm at a loss. Of course, as a Canucks fan, that's my natural state of being.

Well, now I think about it, Leafs/Oilers would seriously suck. As would Leafs/Flam...hahahahaha. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face for that one.

Anyway, back to the Bobby Orr Series? er, Phil Esposito Series?...hmmm, just what are we going to call this series anyway?

Well, as highly improbable as it seems, given that these two franchises were part of the Original Six, they have never met in the Stanley Cup Final in the history of the NHL. So, this is truly the rarest of Stanley Cup Finals. You know what else is rare? Large meteors hitting the earth: 

What we need is an Act of God

Maybe we could call it the Act of God Series?

Ok, ok. I'm joking.

The fact is, I don't like either of these teams, and I'm pretty sure that the majority of you Canucks fans out there feel the same way. I mean, how do you choose between them: 

Not much to choose from

Even today, two years later, Jonathan Toews still says he's glad the Canucks didn't win in 2011.

Seriously? Get over it man. It's just a game. Jeez.

Try and lighten up a bit, dude. It's not healthy. I get kind of concerned that if you lose again this year, you'll jump off a bridge. Or maybe drive your car into a pole. Again.

See, the thing is, while I hate the idea of Toews or Kane or Keith or, ugh, Bolland, hoisting the Cup again, if I squint my eyes and think really conceptually, I maybe could live with the idea, just the idea, mind you, of the Blackhawks, as an abstract entity, winning the Cup this year. But, I just don't think it's going to happen for poor old Captain Serious.

As I said going into the Conference Finals a couple of weeks ago, I think the Boston Bruins are the complete package:

Boston has the complete package

The Bruins clearly have what it takes to win in today's NHL.

But either way, we still don't have a definitive name for this series.

There's one more idea out there that's shown some promise. I forget where I saw it, but someone made a food-based comparison saying it's Chicago deep dish pizza vs Boston clam chowder. If you ask me, that one is quite apt:

I think I'm gonna throw up

But it just doesn't quite roll off the tongue though, does it. No. We need something a little more catchy.

I think I've got it! Let the Two Hurls, One Cup Series begin.

 

Meanwhile, back in Canucksville...

...the search of a new head coach continues apace.

No, they didn't get Dallas Eakins. Yes, they're interviewing seemingly every living coach with NHL experience out there. Big deal. Look, as long as they don't go out in the plaza in front of Rogers Arena and interview Roger Nielson's statue, I'm ok with how long they take. It only makes sense to gather as much information as possible on approaches to coaching in the NHL. Plus, the guy they really want is John Stevens, who was pretty busy up until about a week ago.

So relax. It's the off-seaon. At least Gillis isn't off tuna fishing in Panama this year, right?

Anyway, it's not like the new coach is going to matter all that much. Whoever they pick is likely to have little impact on the on-ice results relative to the players themselves:

Just don't bring back Bill Laforge

Sure, there might be another Scotty Bowman out there. But I'll be ok with whomever they bring in as long as it's not another Bill Laforge.

 

RECENT GRAPHIC COMMENTS

 

C867930d1f1ba5cf2b078a93d3bd1a68
I'm not a hippie or on welfare. I don't live in Kits, wear Birkenstocks or own an umbrella. I've never been to the Capilano Suspension Bridge, but I'm sure it's very nice. I have a mayor, not a crack addict. I drink pale ale, not Blue. And I call it a cabin, not a cottage. I can proudly say my team's been to the Stanley Cup Final in the last 45 years. They may not have won, but at least they got there. I believe in sunshine, not haze; heat, not humidity. And that sushi is a healthy and tasty meal. A coho is a fish. A ski hill is a mountain. And the plural of leaf is leaves. Okay? Not leafs. Leaves! Vancouver is the country's third-largest city, certainly the most beautiful, and the best part of Canada! My name is petbugs and I am a Canucks fan! ... You can find me on Twitter @petbugs13 or send your hate mail to petbugs (at) gmail (dot) com but it better be funny or it's getting plonked.
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#1 Cheops
June 12 2013, 04:16PM
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I'm going to go with the "Earl Hebner Cup" because no matter what happens we know a Canuck is going to get cheated by ref following his commissioner's orders.

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#2 5minutesinthebox
June 12 2013, 04:35PM
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There couldnt possibly be a more demoralizing and antagonizing matchup for Canucks fans. It isnt really about who do you want to win, but more, who do you want to lose....worse. Part of me is over the Blackhawks. After taking them out in the first round, and then having them lose to the Coyotes (snicker) the following season, I felt less and less like they were our true nemisis. Though there was the Keith hit of course... Keith, Kane, Toews, Bolland vs Lucic, Marchand, Horton, Ference...I mean, who do you hate more?

I am actually looking forward to this series. In reality these are the two teams that should be meeting. Its good for the game, and it should be entertaining as hell. Its sucks that it isnt a perfect world and they both cant lose (or share an air traffic disaster), but I really have to wonder, will both of these teams leave this series hating one another as much as we hate them both?

At least we can take some solace as we watch, because no matter what, one of the them has to lose. And at least we wont have to taste that spoonful of bitter that I still cant get out of my mouth when the game is over.

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#3 Jay
June 12 2013, 04:53PM
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The only thing that keeps me interested in this Stanley Cup final is the fact the one of these teams will walk away empty handed. Hopefully in spectacular fashion.

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#4 JCDavies
June 12 2013, 04:59PM
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@5minutesinthebox

"... who do you hate more?"

Marchand.

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#5 dorkface
June 12 2013, 06:14PM
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wow canucks fans are really big whiners, you owe me 5 mins of my life back

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#6 Ruprecht
June 12 2013, 06:15PM
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The game is on and I'm sitting here posting. That pretty much sums up the way I feel about this series. It isn't even worthy of a name in my books. I hope at least one of the Kings had the presence of mind to use the Cup as a litter box, or to potty train a child (or prechool class) for when the winners this year get their sips. It isn't much, but hey, it keeps me going.

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#7 5mintuesinthebox
June 12 2013, 06:26PM
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@dorkface

Would be the best 5 minutes of your sad life.

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#8 DCR
June 12 2013, 07:57PM
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I put it on Twitter, I don't care who wins, I just want the series decided by a really badly blown call in overtime. Ideally, I'd like every game in the series decided that way.

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#9 Lemming
June 12 2013, 08:02PM
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As much as I hate the Blackhawks, I hate Boston more. Lose, Boston, Lose!

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#10 nas19ua
June 13 2013, 02:31AM
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I feel like I've seen that before... 1. Boston struggles vs Canadian team in the 1st round 2. Boston's playing vs President's Trophy winner 3. Boston's an underdog 4. Crazy and intense 1st game decided by 1 goal 5. 3rd line grinder is the hero 6. Horton gets hurt in the 1 game

Deja-vu. Still, I'm with Hawks. Hate B's more.

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#11 Mitch
June 13 2013, 06:32PM
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I'm with the consensus. Three years is enough to dull the Hawks hate down, and they never booted us out of the final. And I disagree that the matchup couldn't be worse: the Kings could have made it through instead. How bad would that be? Would anybody bother scoring any goals, or would it all just be cheap hits, flopping and post-whistle scrums?

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