What hockey gods?

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June 05 2012 09:14AM

What hockey gods?

Yes, if you needed any more reason to become a hockey atheist and disown the hockey gods, this is clearly it. As @SteveintheKT put it last night:

Need more proof? Read on...

Now far be it from Canucks Army take on a subject so controversial as religious beliefs, but at least this time you can't complain it's not hockey related!

Let's start with this real life quote from a website that purports to have proof of God's existence:

"If there is no God, then all that exists is time and chance acting on matter."
-- Douglas Wilson

That's all fine and dandy, but as you can see from this completely made up quote, once you apply this to the world of hockey, things are not quite so simple:

"If there are no Hockey Gods, then all that exists is time on ice and scoring chance data."
-- Doug Wilson

And we all know that hockey really is about nothing more than time on ice and scoring chances. Oh, and zone starts. Don't forget about zone starts.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. After watching Dustin Brown's performance in the first three rounds, enigmatic Russian analyst Fyodor Dostoyevsky quipped:

"If there is no God, everything is permitted."

Shane Doan agrees. And clearly by the Laws of Logical Fallacies, the inverse is also true! So there you have it. No Hockey Gods. Q.E.D.

But not everyone feels this way. Just this weekend, we learned that Tim Thomas was going to take some time away from hockey to devote some time to the four F's. Yes, there were actually four F's, it was a typo. Tim is a man of faith, and sure enough, that was one of his F's. But surprisingly, the biggest reason for taking the time off was that mysterious fourth F:

The Fourth F

Turns out that Tim lost quite a bit of money on the Facebook IPO and he's quite concerned about the state of the world's finances. A couple of days before the actual I'm-taking-my-puck-and-going-home announcement, he posted on Facebook that there are more important things than hockey, and referenced an article containing a presentation with this little gem (via HTTN):

"We have around 6 months left of trading in Western markets to protect ourselves or make enough money to offset future losses."

So there you have it. Tim Thomas is off to do six months of day trading, focusing on Facebook and any other stocks with a symbol that starts with F. We'll miss you, Tim. No, really. We will.

We'll miss you Tim Thomas

Finally, I'm sure there will be some of you out there that will take me task for provoking the Hockey Gods. Well, as I've proven above, the Hockey Gods clearly do not exist.

It's the other Gods I'm not so sure about. And after this, from last year's post Game 2 celebrations, I think we're going to be in trouble for a long, long time:

Sigh.

Sigh.

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I'm not a hippie or on welfare. I don't live in Kits, wear Birkenstocks or own an umbrella. I've never been to the Capilano Suspension Bridge, but I'm sure it's very nice. I have a mayor, not a crack addict. I drink pale ale, not Blue. And I call it a cabin, not a cottage. I can proudly say my team's been to the Stanley Cup Final in the last 45 years. They may not have won, but at least they got there. I believe in sunshine, not haze; heat, not humidity. And that sushi is a healthy and tasty meal. A coho is a fish. A ski hill is a mountain. And the plural of leaf is leaves. Okay? Not leafs. Leaves! Vancouver is the country's third-largest city, certainly the most beautiful, and the best part of Canada! My name is petbugs and I am a Canucks fan! ... You can find me on Twitter @petbugs13 or send your hate mail to petbugs (at) gmail (dot) com but it better be funny or it's getting plonked.
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#1 antro
June 05 2012, 11:06AM
Trash it!
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props

Fantastic! The only thing is that I am doing the prayer to the hockey gods that will make the devils win four straight. And then have @NJDevils tweet "To everyone in British Columbia, you're welcome."

If it doesn't happen, then I'm declaring hockey atheism...

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