April 16 2012 04:46PM
Ryan Kesler is angry. And so am I. But when I'm angry, I don't collapse in a heap and
immediately look at a referee with my hands in the air.
(Photo by Ben Nelms, Reuters)
Today I continue my weekly feature of me venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and around the NHL. Two things about feature... 1) It will appear (hopefully) every Monday, and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don't.
This week, I give a Shanaban to the "Faint Hope" clause, Playoff Kesler and my own inexplicable beliefs.
You know what I hate?! The "Faint Hope" clause. And by that, I mean the Canucks fans out there who absolutely insist on telling everyone that "they're not out of it yet!" and "don't lose faith now!" and "stay positive! Your good energy will motivate them!" From where? MY COUCH?! From the bottom of this empty beer can which I've had to drained into my throat to deal with another gut-wrenching playoff exit? FROM THERE?! SHADDAP!
Everyone on here knows that I'm a homer. I'm probably the biggest homer writer on CanucksArmy. But that doesn't make an a priori idiot (I hope. I'm a proven idiot in a large number of other ways.) I can pretty clearly see the writing on the wall. In the NHL all-time, since the league has had 7-game series, the team that is ahead 3-0 is 164-3 (.982 winning percentage) to close out a series. Teams that are ahead 3-0 in the first round of the playoffs are 41-0. While I appreciate the sentiment of blind, positive fandom, you gotta sprinkle a little realism in there every once in a while. Seeing your team down 3-0 in an opening round series would be a great place to start with that. It's okay to let this go. It's not as if you cheer for the Oilers or the Flames. They aren't making the playoffs next year. AGAIN. The Canucks will be back next year. You KNOW they will. BELIEVE that.
You know what I hate?! Daniel Sedin might play on Wednesday! C'mon man. You got your coconut severely rocked! Just... go rest. PLEASE. Your team is down 0-3 and it would take a unique, historical comeback to even make it out of this round. Now, if Daniel is just going to travel to LA to be with his teammates and show some camaraderie, then that's all good. More power to him. But reports from the Canucks said that he would practice Tuesday. Wouldn't that mean he might play Wednesday!?! Why?!
Daniel, please don't rush back too soon because you think you're the White Knight who is going to rescue your team. I say all this because I am just assuming that Daniel is rushing back. If he is truly recovered, and the symptoms and headaches have all cleared up, then it's impossible to keep the guy away from playing. But, man, if he has even the HINT of a symptom after Tuesday's practice, I hope he goes immediately to a dark room and lays under the covers, listening to QM-FM on low.
You know what I hate?! "Playoff Kesler". And I don't mean Beast Mode Kesler that demolished Nashville last year. Oh no. That dude has only appeared once. I'm talking about Fall-down-act-shot-somersault-whip-my-hair-back-and-forth-to-sell-every-damn-call-possible Kesler. Ryan Kesler has been my favourite Cauncks player for many years now. I love his tenacity, his speed, his skill and his ability to play in all three zones. In the regular season, Kes goes about his regular business without too much trolling game after game. But as soon as the playoffs start and things start to go a little sideways, and Ryan Kesler breaks out the slip-and-slide and the banana peels. He is so focused right now on his sell job that he's completely blind to the big picture. Last night's game was the piece de resistance. Willie Mitchell was already going to be penalized for cross-checking. The whistle goes to stop play, Mitchell gives Kes a little nudge and Kesler slides down the glass like a greased slug. Jesus, buds. Enough already. Be done with it. Because I'm done with it. We're ALL done with it.
You know what I hate?! The proliferation of hateful, "smack-talk" images made by opposing fanbases. The "Sedins Sisters" posters and colourful, spiteful GIFs parading around the innernetz. What I don't understand is... do these people actually spend any time at all cheering for their OWN team? Or do they just spend every waking moment they have saying to themselves, "Man, those Sedins are such pussies! I need to make a poster with two bitches on it and the Sedins' heads on top! YEAH!" Do they even know who is on their home team? Or do they just make sure they memorize the Canucks roster to know who they have to hate? I just don't get it.
When I watch a game, I actually cheer and root for my team. I wear a Canucks jersey. And to the complete moron wearing the "2 Sedins No Cup" shirt behind the bench last night... THE KINGS HAVEN'T WON A CUP EITHER, YA IDIOT. I mean, for Christ's sake if you're gonna wear a shirt that mocks the Canucks, make sure you're bringing up a point that gives your team the upper hand. I know, I know. I'm just another whiny Canucks fan. I'm sure someone will make a GIF letting me know how much of a goddamn pussy I am. I hope they waste hours and hours on it too, so that I can spend 3 seconds looking at it, then carrying on living my life. "Yeah, but dude. BURN! God, it was totally worth it. What a whiny piece of shit that guy is!"
You know what I hate?! Having my purely emotional and unsubstantiated falsehoods about Alain Vigneault shattered so easily. You can put me on the train of folks who were beginning to railroad Vigneault out of town. Now, my sentiments weren't so much because I hate the guy (cuz I don't). It was moreso the increasingly popular notion that AV has been outcoached recently in the playoffs. So then I took 10 minutes and read articles by my favourite stats-guru and yours, Thomas Drance on this very blog, as well as Harrison Mooney of Pass It to Bulis, and realized, quite frankly, that I was being an idiot. So, if you're doubting Vigneault like I was, take 10 minutes and read those two articles. You'll come around pretty quickly. I know I did.