The #Canucks Week in Tweets - March 21st

John Cullen
March 21 2012 04:57PM

 Hey everyone, welcome to "The #Canucks Week in Tweets!" Every week, I plan on bringing you the best of the Canucks on Twitter, from the reasonable to the totally ridiculous (okay, mostly ridiculous)! If you see a tweet you think should be featured here, get in touch with me at @cullenthecomic!

 

Mary Ann, I'm sure you're an excellent person and even better Canucks fan, and I hate to tell you this, but you're doing it wrong. Tonight might be an important game for the Canucks to get some mojo back, but do or die games don't exist in March for teams who are leading their division by 9 points. NINE POINTS! Canucks fans read way too much into EVERYTHING, and it's time someone let them know: they're doing it wrong. Congratulations, Mary Ann, for being our official Canucks Army Doing It Wrong Tweet of the Week!

More after the jump! 

              

Were you even alive when the Flames won the Cup? Can you even name 5 players that were on that Flames team? Can you use homonyms correctly? Here's one thing the Canucks have the Flames don't: a real city to play in. Enjoy your flat-tropolis, fake cowboy.

 

Well, they probably are going to trade Cory Schneider, but it's not going to be today. And that goalie they signed? He's just out of college. It's a depth signing. It has absolutely no impact on the NHL club whatsoever. So if this is your worst day ever, I'd love to see your best day. Must involve riding unicorns on top of a rainbow while embracing clouds made of gummi bears...or something.

If you tweeted this when the Canucks franchise was established 41 years ago...you'd still be single. You should probably think before you tweet...it could be a long, lonely life. 

You clearly do not have a penis and have never worn a jock before. I hope for all of our sakes the Canucks DON'T get it up before the game.

INSERT BLACKHAWKS FAN RESPONSE TWEET: HA VIAGRA WOULDN'T HELP ALL THE CANUCKS HAVE VAGINAS...BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS!!!! GET IT?!? HAHAHAHA I'M AWESOME MY PIZZA TAKES 4 DAYS TO EAT 

You're mad about MATT CLIMIE not getting starts? Oh my God, Canucks fans really will NEVER run out of things to complain about. We're all screwed. 

Janice, it's a tweet from Future Cullen: WE WILL NEVER WIN THE CUP. I know because 1,000 douchebag Flames fans told me, and they all live in the future with me. Other future tips: the Flames still play in a giant saddle, the Canucks have never won the Cup, and we still have a goalie controversy. 

Apparently your brain and your keyboard are also a horrible, horrible combination. 

A guy demanding a trade or more icetime was GOOD for the dressing room? Don't worry, no one will quote you on this aside from maybe your 84 Twitter followers. And Dave Hodge. He's clearly concerned. 

You're totally right: we only need two goalies. Luongo, Schneider, and that's it! Depth is highly overrated. In fact, the Sedins and Kesler are so good, let's just play them the whole game! The other players are just wasting our time. Those jerks! They're the reason we're losing!

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John Cullen lives in the suburbs of Vancouver, but is originally from the suburbs of Toronto. His suburban, whitebread opinions can be found here or at Hockey Now, where he is the Vancouver Giants beat writer. He is a high school English teacher, stand-up comic and once quit hockey for curling. He can be reached at johncullenv [at] gmail.com or on Twitter @cullenthecomic.
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#1 jason
March 21 2012, 06:10PM
Trash it!
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props

I enjoy when u poke fun at the haters, but making fun of the fans? Come on man, seriously? Is this how u plan to generate traffic and readers by making fun of and insulting the fans?

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