Canucks Week in Tweets - March. 14th

John Cullen
March 14 2012 01:19PM

Hey everyone, welcome to "The #Canucks Week in Tweets!" Every week, I plan on bringing you the best of the Canucks on Twitter, from the reasonable to the totally ridiculous (okay, mostly ridiculous)! If you see a tweet you think should be featured here, get in touch with me at @cullenthecomic!

Didn’t your parents ever tell you not to tell anyone you’ll be home alone? THIS IS SO DANGEROUS, JASMINE!

Though to be fair, watching the Canucks play lately might be more scary than anything else that could possibly happen.

You’re from Surrey? You don’t say. Do they not have cyoties out there?

Clayton, have no fear: we’re about a month away from the playoffs here. You won’t have to worry about that shrinking number of Canucks supporters at ALL. CAR FLAGS FOR SALE, GET YOUR CAR FLAGS!

Not only do we pick up the casual fan during the playoffs, but a rioter or two has been known to don a Canucks jersey, so we’ll probably nab them up on the bandwagon also.

Aw, Deb. Boston Bruins fan. So CUTE, really. Though you should know, suggesting to send the ENTIRE NHL squad down to the AHL is pretty much exactly what Canucks fans do. Pretty much every game. So if you were trying to avoid being a Canucks fan, you have failed miserably.

Though I’ll give you credit for actually knowing where the AHL franchise is located. That escapes many out here. And it gets even better when you tell people it’s in Chicago. “WHAT?!?! WE HAVE A FARM TEAM IN CHICAGO WITH THAT LOSERFACE TAYS AND HIS ASSHOLE BUDDY KANE?! NO WAY MAN!”

I don’t know what’s worse: this tweet, or the fact that three morons were dumb enough to RE-tweet it. I’m not going to turn this into an essay on how AV is one of the top coaches in the game, would be hired by any team in the NHL the second he was fired, is ahead of the curve in terms of line-matching and zone deployment, has kept the room under control and in line with expectations after last season... Wait. Right, no essay. You know more about NHL coaching than I do, anyway. What with all your experience.

No doubt that’s what Mike Gillis will turn to when he tells AV he’s been fired because of a Twitter follower.

One of my favorite arguments in all of sports. “Aw man, Player X totally blows! I/you/my mom/my grandma/a loser/my milkman's three legged dog could totally do the job better than him!”

No you can’t. Nor will you ever. You suck. And so does your grandma.

Yeah, because it’s not like they don’t have the Red Wings, Blackhawks, Blues, Predators with Radulov, or any other good teams to worry about that they MIGHT have to play first. Nope. Just the Penguins.

OR MAYBE THEY REMEMBER AND ITS JUST SUPER SAD, OKAY?!

People still talk like this? Good Lord. Get a grip man. You’re just doing it wrong. Completely and utterly. I’m not even congratulating you on winning the You’re Doing It Wrong Tweet of the Week Award. Just literally stop doing it.

Wow, why is Botchford the reporter and Wayne Dahl the mere Twitter follower?! This guy is freaking GENIUS! Myself and Tony Robbins fully agree: the power of the high- five can NEVER be underestimated. So essential to a team’s success. I’m calling AV, that average coach, right now...

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John Cullen lives in the suburbs of Vancouver, but is originally from the suburbs of Toronto. His suburban, whitebread opinions can be found here or at Hockey Now, where he is the Vancouver Giants beat writer. He is a high school English teacher, stand-up comic and once quit hockey for curling. He can be reached at johncullenv [at] gmail.com or on Twitter @cullenthecomic.
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#1 Josh Hall
March 14 2012, 09:10PM
Trash it!
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props

Good way to attract more readers to your blog...by calling them morons.

Keep it up bro.

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