Canucks Week in Tweets - Feb. 8th

John Cullen
February 08 2012 11:24AM

Hey everyone, welcome to "The #Canucks Week in Tweets!" Every week, I plan on bringing you the best of the Canucks on Twitter, from the reasonable to the totally ridiculous (okay, mostly ridiculous)! If you see a tweet you think should be featured here, get in touch with me at @cullenthecomic!

Are we ever going to get over this? He’s an elite goalie. The game in question? Yeah, he basically got us a point in that one. And someone needs to say it: he’s better than Cory Schneider. Schneider is great and I’m stoked we have him, but Luongo is the better goalie at this point in time. So let’s take a minute and all collectively get over this, shall we?

Presumably visiting the Great Pyramids and enjoying the desert climate? Speaking of things we need to get over, this is another one atop the list. The riots in Egypt were SO FAR past what happened in Vancouver, and we still get lumped in there. I’m a stand-up comic and trust me when I tell you all that riot jokes died in July. Trust me, no one was more pissed about it than I was, I had a great 5 minutes on it.

You know I said we need to get OVER this, right? A script? About the riot? Oh God. Don’t make it about the kissing couple, please. For the love of all things good in this world.

Script Sample from "Love in the Time of Hockey Riots":

Aussie dude: "oh you've hurt your knee" [aside] A wounded girl? In my country, mate, we call this an "opportunity."

Hurt girl: "my ankle hurts and I'm so drunk." 

Well, the Canucks are better than just about everything, so if the “something” you are saying, is that the person is really pretty darn amazing, but just doesn’t quite compare to the blue and green, well then, yes, I suppose you’re right. But honestly, leave the hockey team out of this. What did they ever do to you?

This week’s “You’re Doing It Wrong Tweet of the Week” is brought to you by Raman! Wonderful job, I mean, really. Not furthering the stereotype of female hockey fans at all. At least you got the first part of your tweet right. You SHOULD hate them like the rest of us. So just a heads up here from us at Canucks Army: Raman, you’re doing it wrong.

YEAH IDIOT DUH JERSEYS ARE ONLY EVER MEANT TO BE WORN ON GAME DAYS YOU STUPID IDIOT LIKE WHY WOULD I WEAR THIS IF A GAME WASNT BEING PLAYED LIKE NO FAN DOES THIS YOURE SO STUPID HOLY CRAP LIKE.

DO YOU EVEN WATCH HOCKEY OR DO YOU JUST PRETEND TO LIKE IT I BET YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THE PLAYERS ON THE TEAM OR HOW WELL THEYRE DOING OR ANYTHING LIKE YOURE JUST SO DUMB UGHHHHHHH WHY DO YOU EXIST TO TORMENT ME ABOUT THIS BECAUSE LIKE SERIOUSLY I HAVE MY JERSEY ON WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE IDIOT

If by “Parise” you mean “Gretzky” or “other reasonable facsimile of a hockey God”, then maybe this trade happens. Pretty sure you don’t trade a franchise goalie and a possible potential top pairing defenseman PLUS a first-rounder PLUS a very capable top-6 forward for a UFA in a down year with potential attitude issues and a bad knee. But you go ahead and dream on, sir. Reach for the stars!

You know that twins are different than clones, right? Was that meant to be an insult, or are you just that dumb? I get that they pass the puck so well that at times they seem to be clones, and I also get that they look a little bit off with their matching ginger chinstraps and weirdo grins, but still. Sedin Clones was the best you could do? And you hashtagged it? #figureitout

Bitz and Bites? Come on, Murph. You’re better than that. Surely you could come up with a headline that would be a bit more Dan-tastic than that. I mean, it was pretty Murph- ellous, but at the end of the day, Can't- uck you come up with something a little bit more original? We’ll call it “Murphy’s Law”.

HAHAHAHA CANUCKS JOKES ARE SO FUNNY. Remember that time the Canucks played the longest of any team in the NHL aside from the Boston Bruins? Nevermind that the last time the Canucks hockey season ended in April was four years ago, this joke is funny because it's true!

Okay we get it, Canuck rhymes with a bunch of 4- letter words. It’s pretty cool, I guess, so keep flogging that dead-horse. I do appreciate the accuracy of this dude's Twitter handle, though. According to your Twitter profile photo, you have attended a college of some kind, which means you must’ve graduated high school. Kania Believe It? I Kania’t.

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John Cullen lives in the suburbs of Vancouver, but is originally from the suburbs of Toronto. His suburban, whitebread opinions can be found here or at Hockey Now, where he is the Vancouver Giants beat writer. He is a high school English teacher, stand-up comic and once quit hockey for curling. He can be reached at johncullenv [at] gmail.com or on Twitter @cullenthecomic.
Avatar
#1 Marda Miller
February 08 2012, 08:48PM
Trash it!
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trashes
+1
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props

“You’re Doing It Wrong Tweet of the Week” I love this part of these posts the best.

Good stuff Cullen.

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