Canucks Week in Tweets: Feb. 22nd

John Cullen
February 22 2012 08:43PM

Hey everyone, welcome to "The #Canucks Week in Tweets!" Every week, I plan on bringing you the best of the Canucks on Twitter, from the reasonable to the totally ridiculous (okay, mostly ridiculous)! If you see a tweet you think should be featured here, get in touch with me at @cullenthecomic!

Well it's been a while so let's start with... Oh, threatening fights over Twitter. Yep I’ve missed you guys.

It’s even better when you threaten to beat fandom of teams you don’t like into other people. It really lets them know that you are not just a LITTLE bit serious about fighting them over the internet, but a LOT serious. Good for you.

More tweets after the break!

Is that what people on meth do? Make a decision to go buy spray paint (instead of using the money to buy, I don’t know, more meth), think of exactly which church Lucic’s family goes to, then decide to go there and spray paint it? Makes perfect sense.

When I saw that crime, I totally thought “meth”. Man, if I had a dime for every productive and calculated meth crime I had ever heard of...whew. Other little-known side effects of meth include knitting, planning vacations on Expedia.ca, and art.

Man, I hate this argument. DO YOU KNOW EVERY SINGLE RED WINGS FAN? No, you don’t. DO YOU KNOW WHO SPRAY PAINTED THE CHURCH? No, you don’t. Uneducated, broad-stroke stereotyping is MY FAVORITE, especially when it comes to sports fans. Oh, you’re a Chicago White Sox fan? I BET YOU LIKE ANGEL FOOD CAKE, DON’T YOU? Friggin’ White Sox fans, always eating cake.

Irony, thy name is Erica Dawn.

Idiocy, thy name is Rob Hipson. They may have spelled Canucks wrong, but I’m willing to bet they know how to spell “tragically”, “Lucic”, and are aware of the proper usage of the word “to” and “too”. Just a guess.

That’s some expensive Gatorade! $4.2 million? Must’ve been the same Gatorade Gillis was drinking when he traded for Ballard with that contract in the first place! ZING!

This just made me laugh. I can’t even make fun of it, other than the fact that Hal Gill is possibly the whitest player in the NHL. He might actually be the whitest person in Nashville, and that’s saying something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. You had to convince your husband, WHILE ON VACATION, to watch a Canucks game with you? Who is your husband, Stalin?

This sounds like a classic case of somebody doing it wrong. Sir, when you are on vacation with your wife, and she wants you to go watch a hockey game and celebrate the greatest game on Earth, by God man, YOU GO! So congratulations, Mr. Patty Edwards, you are the recipient of the Canucks Army official “You’re Doing It Wrong” Tweet of the Week Award! From all of us here at Canucks Army, we’d like to inform you that YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Ryan Kesler wishing you a happy birthday isn’t enough? You want him to bring you some of his money AND a pony? Somebody is a greedypants!

Well, I guess that depends, Kerry. Do you want people to like you? Do you wish to be accepted by the general public? Do you want to look like a style maven? Do you want people to associate you with diving and ginger chin-strap beards? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I suggest you hang on to those bad boys.

Why so smug, Drance? Did you sign him to the contract yourself? Have you ever even TALKED to a Sedin? Can you even tell them apart? I completely doubt it. Don’t feel smug over something a guy you don’t know did for two people you’ve never met, just because they play on your favorite team. I think all that time spent in Toronto is starting to rub off on you, son...

Wait, Ryan Kesler was on a calendar? I must have missed that part. He posed in that photo for a magazine, and I dunno, just spitballing here, but they MIGHT have resigned him for his ability to play at both ends of the rink, his character, his heart, his unbelievable play in both the playoffs and regular season last year, and the fact that he was willing to take less to play with Vancouver. But on second thought, no, you’re right. Calendars.

Trade deadline news? You’ve come to the right place! The Vancouver Canucks Twitter account, run by a person hired by the team to take care of that so the people who make the real decisions don’t have to. But you keep pushing, my friend. It’s not like there are a ton of media outlets on Twitter you can get trade news from.

He doesn’t.

Well, that’s just stereotyping, my friend. I can’t imagine why someone whose team won the President’s Trophy, lost the Stanley Cup Finals, has a slew of players signed on value contracts, is on pace for the same point total as last year’s miracle season, has one of the best GM/Coach tandems in the league, and lives in the most livable city in Canada and on this planet would be smug. I mean, come on! It’s February, +10 and sunny, and we’re skiing. Then maybe we’ll take the boat out later, who knows. Just depends on how we’re feeling. Not smug, though, really. You’d have to ask Drance about that.

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John Cullen lives in the suburbs of Vancouver, but is originally from the suburbs of Toronto. His suburban, whitebread opinions can be found here or at Hockey Now, where he is the Vancouver Giants beat writer. He is a high school English teacher, stand-up comic and once quit hockey for curling. He can be reached at johncullenv [at] gmail.com or on Twitter @cullenthecomic.
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