February 14 2012 10:40AM
Wayne Gretzky is angry. And so am I.
But at least he's wearing a suit in this photo and not a traitorous sweater.
Photo courtesy Norm Hall/NHLI/Getty Images
Today I continue my weekly feature of me venting and raging on stupid crap happening with the Canucks, their fans and around the NHL. Two things about feature... 1) It will appear (hopefully) every Monday (this week, Tuesday!), and 2) It is blatantly ripped off from a stand-up bit from comedian Craig Anton. On either point, I make no apologies. Enjoy. Or don't.
This week, I throw an egregious elbow to the head of Mike Milbury, bleach baths and Linsanity.
You know what I hate?! Everything that Mike Milbury says. Ever. He is a complete and utter moron. Then again, if you have half a brain or aren't currently on some sort of severe medication, you already know that. Yesterday, during the Habs/Canes game, Hurricanes captain Eric Staal deliberately hit Canadiens forward Tomas Plekanec square in the head with a "chicken wing", throwing his elbow out to catch Plekanec in the head. AND MILBURY DEFENDED THIS. VOCIFEROUSLY. That move, by anyone, at anytime, is indefensible. It is a gutless, cheap, illegal play that deserves immediate suspension as far as I'm concerned. Milbury is so grossly out of touch with today's game that it's sad, pathetic and laughable. And yet, he continues to have SEVERAL jobs on television discussing hockey. He is a clown and an embarrassment to hockey. I'm done with Milbury and you should be too. Whenever he's on TV, change the channel. DO IT.
You know what I hate?! Bleach baths. Man, they are the worst! Ok, I have never had one because I have never had an infection so bad and weird that I need to bathe in chemicals, but apparently Chris Higgins has. Jesus, Chris, start taking some vitamins or something. Maybe a little B12 or some Zinc or something. Anything really. Add in some Vitamin C too. Higgins' staph infection is so bad that he has to take a bath in BLEACH?!?! Dude, I'm not judging or anything but you might want to change your daily washing routine if you get infections so bad that you have to fix it by bathing in BLEACH. BLEACH! So, talk to Scott Rintoul. He seems to really like showering with Zest. And it's hard to tell over the radio, but he sounds pretty infection-free. I'm just guessing on that, though.
You know what I hate?! Wayne Gretzky in a Chicago Blackhawks sweater. PUKE! The NHL's all-time points leader and holder of 61 league records (and never once a member of the Blackhawks!) donned the Indian as he hosted his fantasy camp in Chicago last week. This is just blasphemous. Horribly, horribly blasphemous. Didn't he make special sweaters or uniforms for the fantasy camp?Shouldn't he be wearing that instead? Or shouldn't he be wearing an Oilers, Kings or Rangers sweater instead?! (I refuse to acknowledge that he played for the Blues). Now, rest assured that my disdain for the Blackhawks is NOT what is colouring this argument. In fact, I think that the Blackhawks uniform is one of the top 3 in the league. But Gretzky never wore it in his NHL career, so why on Earth would he wear it now?! Ridiculous. Then again, we all know Wayne is not below selling out. Hell, he has his own brand of Bigelow green tea.
You know what I hate?! Linsanity. Ok, first of all, I HATE basketball. I hate the arrogant, selfish personalities. I hate the fact that fans cheer every 20 seconds over nothing. I FRICKING HATE DUNKS. It is NOT impressive or amazing or interesting that a dude that's 7 feet tall can throw a basketball directly into a basket. "Congratulations on being freakishly tall! Here's $20 million. Make sure you blow it on hookers and guns." So all this nonsensical fervor over Jeremy Lin is driving me crazy. He's played FOUR goddamn games. FOUR!!!! So we're all supposed to be excited because an Ivy Leaguer made a pro sports team?! Awesome, there are dozens of them in the NHL. Christ, the Canucks alone have TWO players that went to Ivy League schools. A University-educated basketball player making it to the NBA is a cute story, but the amount of attention Lin is getting is crap. OH! AND! Here's a bonus! You know what ELSE I hate?! Jason Whitlock for being a pompous, horribly racist a**hole. I'm not even going to bother posting what he said on Twitter about Lin, but it involves Lin being Asian and a horrible stereotype of Asian male anatomy. Here's what I know for sure, there is no bigger dick in sports-writing than Jason Whitlock.
You know what I hate?! Valentine's Day! What a crock. Fabricated, forced nonsense from Hallmark telling me when I'm supposed to buy flowers or candy or diamonds or some other useless crap. But luckily... Mrs. TFT also feels that Valentine's Day is a sham, so this guy gets off the hook every year. It is my second favourite thing about her. The first is personal so shut up and mind your own business, alright?!