Shawn Thornton Tells Folk Tales, Rips Tony Gallagher

Thomas Drance
January 10 2012 11:50PM

I'm writing this just after 1:30 AM EST, so it has now been roughly 81 hours since the conclusion of the Canucks dramatic 4-3 win over the Boston Bruins on Saturday afternoon. Yet still, in the Boston or the Vancouver markets, that game and these two teams are all anyone seems able to talk about. The media, the fan-bases, the management, the players - they all hate each other. The Bruins have called out Shanahan, they've made Bertuzzi references, while the Canucks have mocked the Bruins' intelligence and made some vague threats about "getting back" at Marchand at some undefined time in the future. It's all very dramatic.

To that end, the video embedded above is possibly the best piece of "CANUCKS BRUINS RIVALRY OMG" media that's been produced to date. Basically Tony Gallagher joined Shawn Thornton and some Boston homer media host to discuss the Dale Weise non-fight, among other unresolved issues from Saturday's contest. Here are some highlights:

  • It starts with Gallagher calling Shawn Thornton "unethical" for challenging Dale Weise to a fight the same period in which, Weise had an excellent minute long bout with Nathan Horton. Finally the host, some homer with a big head and a fake tan, tells Tony that they've got Thornton in studio, ready to go toe-to-toe with Vancouver's most controversial sports columnist. Tony's response? "BRING HIM ON!" I laughed really hard imagining flecks of spittle shooting off of Tony's lips as his eyes narrowed... "BRING HIM ON!"
  • So Thornton starts the ambush with a barb about whether it's easier to fight "seven guys for a minute or just one guy", in reference to the doggy-pile that ensued when Thornton attacked Alex Burrows in front of the Canucks bench during Saturday's game. This is awesome because Thornton, who is a surprisingly engaging personality on video, does that thing you do when you think you're about to score an awesome point: he raises his voice a half octave, and delivers the line in a smart alec tone that even Alex Trebek could admire. I hate how Trebek always acts like he knows the answers. You're just reading them off a cue-card, Alex!
  • Tony yells "I CAN BARELY HEAR HIM" and Shawn Thornton audibly sighs. 
  • Shawn Thornton repeats the folk tale about the time he fought seven Canucks for a minute. "It was eleven-dickity two," he says, "and they all came at me at once. One guy, the towns-folk called him Dale, had arms like tree stumps, fists as hard as iron and hair as blonde as the golden molten lava in hell." 
  • Shawn Thornton continues with the hyperbole: "I've fought three times in a period before." This isn't technically true, though to Shawn's credit he's fought three times in a game before. I find that pretty amazing. When you consider the length of this list of Shawn Thornton fights, his inability to get this one technical dead on is totally understandable. Total honesty, I found Thornton so engaging on camera I went and watched a few of his other segments with CSNNE. He's wicked, and I hope that the damage his chosen career could do to the fine contents of his cranium don't cost him what could be a stand-out career in broadcasting.
  • Thornton quite rightly points out that Weise had at least 10 minutes to rest before Thornton got the opportunity to talk to him, and Gallagher makes a comment about Thornton being considerably larger than Weise. A 40 pounddifference is Tony's initial claim! Thornton's incredulity is palpable and he even makes a "whaa?" sound before going on to list himself as: "6,1 and 210" (Dale Weise's exact weight, and 7 pounds lighter than Thornton is listed). Gallagher chimes in "so you only out-weight him by thirty!" and Thornton lands a haymaker "So he's only 180 pounds?" Yeah come on Gallagher, who do you think Dale Weise is, a Stanchion stick-figure?
  • Thornton's final response to the size-differential argument is his best hook of the night, "yeah well I fought Derek Boogaard - so there goes that argument." For the record, Thornton fought the boogie man, may he rest in peace, twice in his career and won one of the tilts.
  • The thing descends into mutual rambling a bit. Gallagher agrees with Thornton that Weise shouldn't have dropped the gloves if he didn't intend on fighting, and Thornton calls out Weise's man-hood for punching him in the back of the head and failing to back it up. 
  • Finally the homer announcer asks Gallagher if he thinks the Canucks have earned their reputation, "because it's not just Boston that hates the Canucks, most of the league hates the Canucks." Yes they do, and we embrace it. Most of the league, however, just loves the Bruins. They send them flowers on off-days: "Thanks for being you, Bruins. Thanks for pummeling us 9-0 the other night, your hair smells like home. Love, the Flames"
  • Gallagher now has an exchange with the homer Boston guy, "How can you be hated when you have no toughness?" "Well that's actually a good question," says homer Joe, before saying that it's because the Canucks aren't tough that they're hated. It's because they're akin to the mustelidae genus that they earn so much scorn. Whatever, this line has been thrown around a lot in the Boston media and it's bull-shit. The Canucks aren't built to beat you up post-whistle, but they can play physical hockey with most anyone, and for the most part, that includes Boston. For example, I don't know how you watch Saturday's game and see the Canucks as "backing down" at any point...
  • The interview ends abruptly from there with homer Joe fake-tan congratulating Tony and the Canucks on having won the President's Trophy. Pretty surreal.

Here's why this video rules: because Shawn Thornton is hilarious. He's legitimately agitated, he grunts and sighs while calling out a fellow NHLers man-hood, he tells several folk tales and invokes some of his most impressive accomplishments as an NHL enforcer. Gallagher on the other hand is prickly and stubborn and makes for a fine foil in an argument with Thornton.

Gallagher got sandbagged, took the worst of it and kept trudging up-hill. Despite the clear bias of the host, who rather than moderating and ending the interview respectfully, chooses to score some cheap points, Gallagher hung in there and made some good arguments (to go with a couple really weak ones). It's a clear decision in favour of Thornton, but, like when Gaustad and Regehr fought Lucic and Chara in the game after Miller got run: Tony-G showed heart.

Now when Thornton tells him about the time he fought four-score and nine-dickity Canucks that one time in Boston, Gallagher can come back and say, "and I took on two dudes for two minutes on CSNNE later that same week!"

3136ae487fac57943f99a50e66e4d6cf
Thomas Drance lives in Toronto, eats spicy food and writes about hockey. He is an NHL News Editor at theScore, the ex-managing editor of CanucksArmy.com and an opinionated blowhard to boot. You can follow him on twitter @thomasdrance.
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#1 Marda Miller
January 10 2012, 11:59PM
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Thomas you are funny when you write late at night.

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#2 slsd123
January 11 2012, 12:25AM
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I'm still waiting to see you make a point in this article...

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#3 Seriously?
January 11 2012, 12:29AM
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Honestly Drance what is your point. Thornton was mugged by 6 or 7 guys. Acting like it didn't happen doesn't make anything different. Its the same as trying to argue that the Canucks won the Stanley Cup. You cant argue something that is clear as daylight.

So if Thornton wasnt mugged by 7 guys, how did you recall it? Were they patting him on the back? Was it an illusion and there was really only one? This is why you are an embarassment to the Canucks media. You are just as blind of a homer as the homer Bruins host that you call out.

Shameful, really.

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#5 Kyle
January 11 2012, 12:42AM
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When you say Thorton is 'legitimately agitated,' do you mean he is actually upset for realz or that he has legitimate reasons to be agitated.

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#6 Wisp
January 11 2012, 12:44AM
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@Thomas Drance

Boston doesn't know how to laugh. Boston knows how to get upset. They're insane, man. No one in Bruinsland is going to find this funny, and that's a damn shame.

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#8 Don Wong
January 11 2012, 01:10AM
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Lmao Thorton...what a waste of time!!..nuff said

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#9 Kenny
January 11 2012, 01:11AM
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Say Burrows lunges at Bergeron in front of the Bruins bench, fangs drawn, looking for another chomp--you're telling me he isnt pummelled by whoever's in reach? Lapierre takes it a few steps too far by jumping on and he shoulda been kicked out, but they were trying to unclamp him from Burrows.

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#10 antro
January 11 2012, 06:57AM
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Great article! I agree Shawn Thornton is surprisingly engaging.

On the claim of fighting 7 Canucks, I think Gallagher should have come back with "oh, and you jumped on Burrows in self-defense, yeah, we know about the Bruins' self-defense arguments. If they don't end up in the hospital, you don't feel safe. Poor guys, you live in fear that Burrows and Salo are goin' get you."

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#11 PezDOY
January 11 2012, 08:20AM
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Ha, good stuff Drance. I laughed.

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#12 JustinDOY
January 11 2012, 08:29AM
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Most of the league, however, just loves the Bruins. They send them flowers on off-days: "Thanks for being you, Bruins. Thanks for pummeling us 9-0 the other night, your hair smells like home. Love, the Flames"

haha awesome. great line.

And it's funny 'cause sometimes Felger is a huge homer and then other times he just rips into Boston teams. There's no middle ground really with him. He's a stooge who knows how to get a rise out of people. After the Bruins won the Cup Thornton said "Suck it, Felger" on air. Good times.

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#13 Good over Goons
January 11 2012, 10:51AM
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These Bruins need so much attention and embellish without shame, from the GM and the coaches defence of Marchand protecting himself to Thorton getting speared. By next week, Thornton would have been the one that found and shot Osama, he being a SEAL undercover, and sharpening his fighting skills in the NHL.

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#14 Sarah
January 11 2012, 11:39AM
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Wisp wrote:

Boston doesn't know how to laugh. Boston knows how to get upset. They're insane, man. No one in Bruinsland is going to find this funny, and that's a damn shame.

i think it's funny.

-a bruins fan

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#15 Jonathan Willis
January 11 2012, 11:41AM
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Wait - you're telling me Alex doesn't actually know the answers?

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#16 Mantastic
January 11 2012, 12:08PM
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"and I took on two dudes for two minutes on CSNNE later that same week!"

sounds like late night on Davie/Church street.

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#17 Flave
January 11 2012, 12:43PM
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For example, I don't know how you watch Saturday's game and see the Canucks as "backing down" at any point...

Except your starting goalie needing to prove he can handle a hostile crowd and a team that has crushed him on their home ice. But at least Schnieders family got to see him START a game, as a posed to coming in after the 8 minute mark down by 4. That was nice of Luongo!

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#18 Prairie Boy
January 11 2012, 12:59PM
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Outside of their imported hockey team, is there men's beer league hockey in the lower mainland? Their fan base certaint doesn't suggest so. :)

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#19 Desucca
January 11 2012, 01:18PM
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When is the last game the bruins played when 7 of them didn't mug one of the opposition? It's amazing how such a tough team (and their obviously "tough" fans) is making such a big deal out of this? Aside from lapierre jumping on, this looked like any average bruins scrum but the roles are reversed.. Also, I don't know if I've ever heard of a broadcaster being unprofessional enough to pull what that fool did.. If that happened to him I guarantee he would look a bigger idiot than gallagher... Not that I like Gallagher, don't get me wrong :)

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#20 Desucca
January 11 2012, 01:25PM
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@Flave

I don't think anybody actually thinks that's an issue except people who froth at the mouth hoping to see luongo fail.. He isn't the coach, it's not his decision, and even if he was asked if he wanted the start.. Schneider has been playing exceptional goaltending for this team all season and deserved a chance to start in his "home town". Luongo will have many more chances to shut the door on "hostile ice", get a grip...

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#21 Desucca
January 11 2012, 01:29PM
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@Prairie Boy

Shouldn't you be paying more attention to articles about the (insert basement dwelling prairie team here)

If you're a jets fan, you get a bit of slack, for now ;)

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#22 Consuela
January 11 2012, 04:03PM
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I'm also a Bruins fan, and I also thought this piece was hilarious. Well done, sir.

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#23 skippysherm
January 11 2012, 06:27PM
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Is Thornton wearing a velour blazer?

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#24 Canooks
January 12 2012, 06:38AM
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Wow, boston's gotta be the whiniest team ever.They win one Chump'ionship and the next thing you know, the players, the organization, the fans, the media there think they're the second coming of jesus. You guys won one cup in like 30 years..get over yourselves, chumps. Thornton not only looks like a roid popping neanderthal, he proves he's got the emotional capacity of a child. They lost the jan game, thornton got jumped for hacking a skilled player, and now he cries and whines. boo hoo effing hoo.LOL.And he compares himself to boogard..wow, cuh class, to compare yourself to a dead man. What else you got for us shawn? You need more bread for your whine? I can see it now, "today on the Dr. Phil show, we have nhl enforcer Shawn Thornton!" Dr. Phil- " Tell us why you're here Shawn?" Shawn- " Well, doctor Phil, I hacked a skilled player on the other team and those guys jumped on me like flies on SHxxt!" Dr.Phil- " and why does this bother you Shawn?" Shawn-" Because doctor Phil, there's a code. It states that when a Boston goon like me attacks another teams skilled players,I cant be touched, even if I hacked him with my stick first." Dr.Phil-" but doesn't the other team have the right to defend their own player?" Shawn-" No! No team is allowed to stand up to our cheap shots, only we are allowed, cause we won the cuppie! Dr.Phil- " Shawn...are you injecting roids into your skull?" Shawn=-" Yes...yes Iam." You bostoners win one lousy cup in 30 years and you guys act like you invented the wheel.LOL. Give me an effing break.

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#25 MapleLeafs77
January 15 2012, 07:26AM
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@Good over Goons

I'm sorry, but did you just accuse the Bruins of embellishing? That's rich! lol I watched the cup finals, and I recall watching Burrows acting as if he got shot when Lucic got him behind the net for a little pay back for the bite, and then the Sedin sisters were doing their best Greg Luganis impressions every 5 minutes. That was the most disgraceful display of diving since Phil Barber retired! They actually made Montreal look somewhat respectable by comparison!

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#26 Kaniac88
January 15 2012, 07:56AM
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@Canooks

That's one more cup than your team has EVER won! Plus there are 30 teams in the league now, so 1 in 30 years is par for the course, you imbecile!

And where did he compare himself to Boogaard, stupid? He was saying that not only was Weise the same size as him, but Thornton had given up 7 inches and nearly 60 pounds to an opponent in a fight before-so even if Thornton were 40 pounds bigger, he frequently fights much bigger guys.

And Burrows isn't a "skill player." He is an agitator that has some skill, just like Marchand. But Marchand will drop the gloves and back his play up. Burrows is a coward, and will only fight other pussies. I've seen Shelley, Godard, Gratton, Staios, & Arnott all challenge that pussy for running around taking cheap shots and talking trash. He just turtles and hides like a coward LOL You should change the mascot to a gaping vagina in Burrows honor!

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#27 D mackay
January 18 2012, 01:33PM
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Bruins don,t dive lmfao. A 30 second clip in the 3rd. Watch with eyes wide open http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMGl07yfirg&feature=player_embedded

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#28 Canooks
January 20 2012, 09:16AM
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@Kaniac88

what a lovely response, typical for a Boston cockroach. Hey, did you personally win a cup? NO right? First of all, loser, you're cheap team only got to the finals cause of little gregs daddy. Is that why you sound so mad? Cause you know it's the truth? The truth hurts don't it? Second, if your monkey goon thornton thinks he's so tough, then why is he attacking burrows? Oh, sorry he got "jumped by 5 canucks".. where I come from you, dweeb, if you get jumped aren't able to walk around days later and do radio interviews you yellow panty wearing cockroach. Yeah, thronton is so tough he has to hack players in the back of their feet and then left there stick up to his chest and make a case of how burrows tried to spear his throat.Do you even watch the games or are you too busy eating your convoluted diarrhea? Hahahahaa. You morons are always whining about this and that..face the facts, you didn't win anything..it was handed to you by colin and his sock puppet shanahan. the whole league knows that. You american teams were so bad at winning cups you had to get bettman to help out.Can't except the facts? It's a Canadian game suckers, americans like you are only good for things like believing that the trade towers fell down at the speed of gravity and things that dont hold up to science...things like the fact that your cheap bruins can't win without sock puppet shanny. Oh and on marchand, i'm sure he stood up for himself after he low bridges Salo.Nope..he hid next to the refs.And what did he do after the game? Oh yes..WHINE. It'samazing how you wankers cry so much about the canucks cheap shots when you guys do the same. the canucks cheapshot as much as the bruins..here's the difference..the canucks dont WHINE like your boston whiners do. flash back to last year, you guys whned about biting..didnt Savard bite another player? You guys WHINED about the rome hit..didnt chara almost take someones head off?Is there nothing you guys don"t whine about? You cant win with class, you can't lose with class..case in point, the steroid addicted personality monkey goon thronton. Here's a guy who's just lost a game to the canucks. Is that enough? no, just like after the playoffs last year, he's gotta go on radio and talk smack. Such class. you know you're a steroid addicted goon with a addictive personality of a junkie when you got nothing better to do but to go on radio and talk smack. most normal ppl after a game go home to see their family..oh but not that steroid junkie thornton.He's got no life, no friends, and he finds some kind of vindication for his pathetic goon life by going on radio.LOL not only are your players a bunch of two faced whiners, so are your commentators, your fans..heck even the whole city. At least the people up here go the guts to riot, what do you do, stupid, gonna go on radio and whine like that roid junkie thorntton too? LOL Joker. 1 cup is on par for 30 years? LOl. The oilers won four cups, the habs got more cups then the amount of I.Q. you got buddy. the next time you WHINE, just remember, it's expected from you , cause your team is full of whiners, your fans are whiners and so you and your whiner fans should change your team name to Boston Whiners. " oh look at me, i'm thornton, im tough, i like roids, im a monkey and i like to go on radio tlak shows and talk smack and i'l cry like a baby if things don;t go way way and i'll cry some more on radio shows..HAHAHAH...WHINERS.

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#29 Canooks
January 20 2012, 09:40AM
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@MapleLeafs77

Yeah, you're right..the Bruins don't embellish..they WHINE. they WHINE during the game, the WHINE after the game..they WHINE on radio shows, they even WHINE [ like coat tail rider Recchi] after they retire. Their coach Mr. Potatohead WHINES after Marchand gets suspended.Even their G.M. WHINED. Gotta good laugh out when that Rat Marchand got away with all his cheap shots last year in the finals but got suspended for the same thing on Salo. Uh..maybe he got away with all that shat cause Campbells sockpuppet Shanny had to pay back little greggory's daddy for giving him the job? what a coincidence!LOL As for the Sedin sisters, gotta tell you one thing, they may not be tough, but at least they don't go beating on 7 year kids like Mikey Milbury does.LOl. Boy, that's sure tough. But that's bostons M.O. isn't it? To create a smokescreen and WHINE about other teams in order to divert the attention away from themselves? Cheap shot other teams and when they do the same, then WHINE about it. Again, that's what Boston whiners like to do best, make a fall guy, divert attention off their own cheap shots, it so easy to spot it's hilarious. As for the habs, hey, I can't blame you guys for hating on them so much too. After all those years the habs raped your bruins, the boston fans must have a form of post traumatic disorder. That and a bad case of WHINERS SYNDROME.Hahahahahahhaaa

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#30 Canooks
January 20 2012, 09:52AM
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Hey, what do you get when you add the Boston Bruins, their fans and their management together?

Answer; The world's largest bottle of WHINE.

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