Mike Duco Is A Vampire

Cam Davie
November 09 2011 10:20AM


Even dating back to his days with the Panthers, the pain and anguish in Mike Duco's eyes was obvious.
He had a secret but just couldn't reveal it. UNTIL NOW. Also the fangs were a dead giveaway.
(Photo by canucks.com/Getty Images)

It started out as a curious observation. It grew into a fact-finding mission that shook the very fabric of the hockey world with a startling admission. What we discovered yesterday was not just one of the greatest revelations in the history of hackneyed, part-time Canucks blogging - it was one of the greatest revelations in all of history.

Vampires exist, and Vancouver Canucks farm-hand Mike Duco is one.

We didn't start this mission knowing what we would uncover, and how we would uncover it. In fact, this whole episode started out as nothing more than a photo caption contest.

My friend, colleague and fellow writer here at CanucksArmy, The Stanchion, offered up a question as a photo contest. "What the heck is happening in Mike Duco's Twitter profile picture?" This photo became exhibit A in our quest for the truth:

Based on my keen eye, and powerful sense of observation, I offered up this explanation: "I'm guessing that Mike Duco is head vampire, made a free kill and the others are baby vampires feeding on his leftovers." Then I followed up with: "And has kind of a glazed look in his eye cuz he's drunk on human blood. Boy, it really is a great avatar."

With this startling discovery now unearthed, it was clear that we had to share this information with the masses. Thus was born "#ducoisavampire". The Stanchion and I used this hashtag as a factfinding tool, and a method for fast information dissemination. Our savvy use of social media worked. As the Stanchion and I hypothesized further about Mr. Duco's vampire habits, it was clear that the photo and his Twitter status updates were revealing even more about his vampiricism. Duco was obviously desperate to rid himself of his burden, it became clear that his dark secret was weighing down on him like the World on Atlas' shoulders.

Then came the most startling piece of evidence yet, Duco tweeted a photo of his "true" appearance:

This is really the most shocking piece of evidence that Duco not only is a vampire, but is desperate to reveal his secret. He just couldn't break through and openly admit to his "vampire status" yet.

This photo clearly shows Duco in an altered state of mind and appearance following a huge binge of feeding on human blood. Pay close attention to Duco's eyes. They are overly dilated, an obvious indication in the Vampire world that a vampire has just gorged. Also, his skin his pale and he is very well-groomed. Two more signs that Duco is a vampire. His caption to this picture, as he sent it out on Twitter: "There is something different about this picture .....". Can you not hear the pain and anguish in his voice as he struggles to enveil his secret, but remains conflicted. Is the general public ready to embrace a Vampire pro-hockey player?

The Stanchion, completed some thorough archival research at the National Vampire Library of Ontario, and his thorough search unearthed this disturbing picture with the caption: "OK, see, isn't even hiding it anymore. Being pretty blatant at this point. " Yes, he is.

At this point all that was missing was a final admission... which we received yesterday.

Finally, after several weeks of research, hard-hitting journalism and flat-out badgering, Mike Duco revealed his secret.

"This is what I turn into at night.... ..... "

And then, just moments ago, Duco opened another window into his secret world... "Those are some dark clouds ".

It is clear that there is a vampire war brewing, or at the very least, a battle with a platoon of some sort of unearthly creatures, be it werewolves or morlocks or what have you. All we ask, Mike, is that you be safe and be well in your fight with the unhuman. Also, avoid afternoon games and don't order steak when you go out for dinner.

How do you spell redemption? D. U. C. O.

Mr. Duco, we hope that you can rest well now that you have shed yourself of this burden. It surely must have caused you much anguish and heartache, keeping such a maddening, personal secret hidden for so long.

Sleep well, sweet vampire. Sleep well.

*** BREAKING NEWS ALERT ***

We've been informed that Sean Avery has indicated support for the inclusion of Vampires in the NHL. In the past, Avery has demonstrated a propensity to including others. This show of support for his blood-sucking brethren proves that Avery is a forward-thinking human, despite his often times over the line actions on the ice. 

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Cam was born in Greater Vancouver, raised in Greater Vancouver, and lives in Greater Vancouver. So, yes, he's from Vancouver. He attended his first Vancouver Canucks game on Dec 26th, 1980 and has bled orange/black/red/blue+green ever since. You can reach him on Twitter @tinfoiltuque or on e-mail at tinfoiltuque(at)gmail(dot)com.
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