David Booth's Secret

Thomas Drance
November 04 2011 01:21PM

We all know the story of the wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together... What is less well known is how that son failed, and how the product of his failure now occupies a space in the Canucks top-six, albeit with a slightly altered last name.

Yes, newly acquired winger David Booth was actually born David Bluth. He plays hockey under the fake last name "Booth" to distance himself from his controversial, embarrassing family. After his family life deteriorated, David ran away from home, with his twin brother Oscar, and moved to Michigan. From there David "Bluth" disappeared, replaced by David Booth, a devout hockey player with a passion for hunting.

While David Bluth found a new beginning in Michigan, he still bears the emotional scars from his traumatic upbringing. In 2003, for example, he was diagnosed with a potassium deficiency because, after years of working at Bluth's Frozen Banana stand he remains psychologically unable to consume the fruit.

When confronted by mental-health professionals about his Bananaphobia, David "Bluth" Booth was unable to elaborate, he merely curled up into a ball, rocked back and forth, and whispered to himself, "there's always money in the banana stand."

David Booth's irrational fear of bananas is far from the only child-hood neurosis that afflicts him. While David Booth has since learned to channel his blood-lust into the socially acceptable sport of hunting, David Bluth was known for his deranged hatred for farm yard animals. His hatred seems to have stemmed from a childhood incident involving a goat and a photobooth...

It was shortly after this incident that David Bluth decided he had to get away, and in June of 1999 he made his escape with his twin brother Oscar. They were young and they had a plan, so they headed for the land of opportunity: Detroit, Michigan.

For most of that summer they hitch-hiked across America with no issues until one day they made the fateful decision to head into a grocery store to buy bottled water. It was there that David and Oscar Bluth came upon a brand representative in a giant plush banana suit. The suit sent David into a fit, he ran from the store, and on his way out, accidentally bowled over an elderly lady. The lady suffered a broken hip in a collision, whereas David didn't regain consciousness until he was well across state lines...

When the police showed up, the old lady insisted that they press charges, and unfortunately for Oscar, she was convinced that he was the man who knocked her over. So David continued his journey alone, while Oscar went on to set up and manage a popular website from jail... Here's a screen shot:

None of David "Bluth" Booth's family history has come to light until now, and I only discovered the truth while going through Booth's @mentions on twitter the other day. Not even Mike Gillis knew what sort of troubled an individual he was acquiring at first. In fact, the team only began to suspect that something was amiss when Booth reported for his first physical with the team, and was revealed to be a NEVER-NUDE!

Big thanks to @mhenderson95 for the epic photoshop work, you should check out his tumblr.

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Thomas Drance lives in Toronto, eats spicy food and writes about hockey. He is an NHL News Editor at theScore, the ex-managing editor of CanucksArmy.com and an opinionated blowhard to boot. You can follow him on twitter @thomasdrance.
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#1 GayCanuck
November 04 2011, 05:26PM
Trash it!
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props

LOL!!! Love it!! Now everything makes sense.

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