Embrace the Hate: BlackHawkDL Troll Post

Thomas Drance
November 16 2011 01:35PM

Editors note: The following is the first entry into our "Embrace the Hate" competition. It's written by Chicago Blackhawks blogger Kelly Reardon of BlackhawksDL.com and Puckdrunklove.com. Like most Blackhawks fans, Reardon is none of fond of the Canucks and their diving, whining antics. Check it out:

By Kelly Reardon:

Oh, you Vancouver Canucks. Where to even begin trolling you?

I could start with your players. Your freakish, Shining-starring , bunk bed sharing, telekinetic, Mars Attacks!-esque giant headed , ginger, creepy Swedish twins? Nah, there's been better twins in Vancouver . Or maybe your crybaby , herpa derp , volatile, signed-for-all-eternity-but-can-never-put-it-all-together-for-a-Cup goalie? Nah. Too easy. Plus, it’s all been said before. Well, there is your finger biting, hair pulling , diving instructor of a douchecanoe. Still too easy. The nutless wonder ? Robin, the Boy Wonder ?


Hmm, what about Ryan Kesler? Obnoxiously good hockey player. Treacherously plays for easily the most hated Canadian team as an American. Makes it difficult not to like him by Keslurking. No. I’ll resist trolling on Ryan Kesler. Plus, I’ll do anything to keep him from taking more naked pictures for ESPN. YOUR THIGHS STILL HAUNT ME. However, Kes must have some magic juju or something going on to make a grown adult carve his naked likeness into a jack-o-lantern . That person needs to get a fucking grip.

How about your offseason moves? Owen Nolan would be a great start. I mean, let’s see, what’s missing from this lineup that could put the Canucks over the edge? YES. A 200 year old Irish fossil that is essentially a corpse taped into hockey gear. EVERY Cup winning club has THAT. Marco Sturm? You mean the Marco Sturm that has only 25% of his limbs functioning correctly at one time? The same Marco Sturm you graciously gave two and a half weeks of the season to make an impact? I will compliment your move of letting Christian Erhoff wander away to get that ridiculous contract out in Buffalo. You even managed to get some garbage back in return for a pre-July 1st trade.

How about your organization as a whole? There’s an intriguing argument. Let’s look at the organization through unbiased glasses. (Shut up, I can be unbiased, just listen you idiot.) You have world class talent up and down your roster. My previous three paragraphs notwithstanding, the Sedins, Kesler, Burrows, Bieksa, and Luongo are all outstanding players that any team would be thankful to have. (See? Told you I could be objective.) Hell, your backup goalie is better than anyone in the Phoenix Coyotes system. Okay, maybe that’s not saying much.

You have a great coach, who by all indications is a smart man, teaching the game well and continually seeks the improvement of his hockey club. Same with your General Manager. They have a clear desire to win, and more importantly, a desire to do what’s needed to give the club every possible opportunity to obtain the one goal every team sets out with at the start of every NHL season.

So why does everyone who isn’t a Canucks fan hate this franchise?

Because everyone in the organization is a petulant, whiny, butthurt, entitled brat.

You heard me.

Narcissistic.

Egotistical.

Silver spoon dangling out the mouth.

Webster’s Dictionary example of spoiled brat.

You bitch and moan and complain about EVERYTHING. Supposed bad or missed penalty calls. The size of Byfuglien’s ass. An opposing goaltender not pumping Luongo’s ego enough. Deserved suspensions. The style of play of an opposing goaltender. Your stars being body checked. Being asked questions about your goaltender and lying about them to protect his fragile infantile mind. Blaming the NHL for your own city’s inability to protect your own citizens from themselves. Laughably stating that the riots where caused by a group of anarchists instead of clearly being an alcohol fueled (and misguided, but accurate) demonstration by your fans, showing their extreme displeasure with the franchise at that moment in time.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, every franchise has their moments of crying and complaining. It happens to everyone, especially when they’re frustrated. But, please, for the love of whatever deity you worship, STOP IT.


The NHL is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and you’re fucking Carlton. When things don’t go your way, you cry to your rich daddy to make it all better. Then daddy blames everyone else BUT YOU. Hate to break it to you kids, the Canucks losses are their own damn fault. It’s not because Byfuglien taunts you (hilariously). It’s not because Timmy Thomas plays outside of the paint. It’s not because Aaron Rome got suspended. It’s not because an official missed a call.

It’s because your players believe they’re entitled to the Stanley Cup. They feel they’ve already earned it. “We have all the talent,” they say. “We’ve destroyed all the competition throughout the season,” they say. “Why can’t we just win the Cup?” they ask.

That’s the problem. What they should be asking is “How can I make myself play better?” “How can I make myself stronger, so I can drive through those checks and clutches and grabs to still get that scoring chance (ya know, instead of diving)?” “How can I improve my mental toughness so I can laugh at an opponent that shoves a finger in my face, mocking me?”

But no. “How can I draw a penalty easily?” “How can I try to manipulate the league and the officials to be favorable to us?” “What can I say to an official to get him on my side?” These are the questions being pondered instead.

I’m not the first person to say all these things to you. Maybe I’m the bluntest? Either way, you guys all know this is true. I guarantee you, if the Canucks stopped fucking complaining about every little thing in the world and just focused on playing hockey and doing their jobs, man, that Cup will be in Vancouver lickity split.

You know what though? I’m not worried about that. Because until the entire organization above the players gets an overhaul and is the recipient of a massive attitude change, you’ll always be the same.

Some team will find a way to embarrassingly knock you out of the playoffs.

Some player will haunt your dreams and hang out drinking that crisp champ with Byfuglien & Thomas.

Some other fanbase will continue to laugh their collective asses off at your misfortune and revel in it.

Some other franchise will have the honor of lifting that beautiful shiny trophy that you’ve been so hilariously pursuing, have been oh-so-close to obtaining and yet oh-so-far.

I’m glad you guys got to feel good for eliminating the Hawks last year by the skin of your nutsacks because it won’t happen this year. Go ahead. Save that. Put a pin in it. Whatever. Because I’m right. And you know it. You’ll once again find some way to hilariously fail in your pursuit of hockey’s Holy Grail.

So treasure that sweet moment when Burrows was able to take a weak clearing attempt by notable awful defenseman Chris Campoli and rocket a slapshot past a mentally and physically exhausted Corey Crawford. Remember how good it felt to pile on top of each other along the boards while the confetti that every other franchise saves for the Stanley Cup rained down upon you. Treasure the taste of the champagne that should be saved for drinking out of the Cup for the entire summer. And most of all, continue convincing yourself that you’ve “vanquished your demons” by winning that series.

Because you’re wrong. And every other NHL franchise and every other fanbase will continue to find orgasmic joy in your failings both in the past and future.

Go scratch you petulant, entitled brats.

~Kelly Thomas Reardon
BlackhawksDL.com, PuckDrunkLove.com
@KellyPuckDrunk

3136ae487fac57943f99a50e66e4d6cf
Thomas Drance lives in Toronto, eats spicy food and writes about hockey. He is an NHL News Editor at theScore, the ex-managing editor of CanucksArmy.com and an opinionated blowhard to boot. You can follow him on twitter @thomasdrance.
Avatar
#1 kyle
November 16 2011, 04:59PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
1
props

@Mantastic

@Mantastic 0 I actually really enjoyed the read and had a good laugh. But I'm the example?

lol, oiler fans. "I FIND ALL THIS RANT BORDERING ON EXTREME PARODY TO BE PERFECTLY REASONABLE. EVERYONE IN VANCOUVER IS CERTAINLY THE MONSTER-AND-OR-PATHETIC-GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DESCRIBED HERE!"

Avatar
#2 Cam Charron
November 16 2011, 01:44PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

"bunk bed sharing"

Hey, those are real mahogany!

/Troy and Abed'd

Avatar
#3 kyle
November 16 2011, 01:47PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Great piece of fiction. Love it. The subtle irony being injected by writing it from a Blackhawks fan perspective is perfect.

...oh, wait, this is for real?

Avatar
#4 Mantastic
November 16 2011, 02:46PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@kyle

perfect example of what this rant is about.

Avatar
#5 Big Cap
November 16 2011, 03:00PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

WOW! Where do I begin. You nailed everything on the head.

The Canucks talk a BIG game, but have delivered on NOTHING!

They have all the talent in the world...just no heart or guts!

This is also is the same franchise that just listed Mark Messier as their worst captain they've ever had.

Sorry Vancouver...win a cup first then you can sit at the Big Boys table. Until then, back to the Kiddies table with Columbus, Florida, and Nashville.

Avatar
#6 Mantastic
November 16 2011, 05:10PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@kyle

i live in vancouver, and i experience this from local media, "fans" and blogs everyday. keep on living in your deluded world and keep thinking that the rest of the hockey world doesn't see you as that and that you are infact this rant nothing to parody at all...

Avatar
#7 Kyle
November 16 2011, 05:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Mantastic

Oh, I know what the haters think, mang. And haters are all gonna hate, mang. but hating ain't reasonable.

but that's how the world works, so instead I'm going to laugh.

Avatar
#8 Andrew
November 16 2011, 08:16PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Really that could all be said about any fan base. Well actually let me correct that by saying any Canadian fan base. There is no point in comparing American and Canadian cities. In Canada hockey is and always will be number 1. In the US hockey is always competing with at least 1 other major league sport.

And let me further correct my original statement by saying that it could be said about the Montreal Canadiens. Again because it would be pointless comparing the Nucks to any of the other teams because for one reason or another those other teams have been struggle and have not had the same expectations.

And really if you compare the two fan bases they are exactly alike. We both complain about everything, we riot for absolutly the dumbest reasons, and our players dive, bite, etc. Oh yeah and we expect the Cup to be handed to us every year.

So really at the end of the day we are no different than any fan base if you account for the importance of the sport in the city and the expectations.

And if you dont think thats true than you are a petulant, whiny, butthurt, entitled brat.

Avatar
#9 Mantastic
November 16 2011, 09:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Andrew

besides the fact that the canadiens actually have won a cup in the last 30 years and the canucks have not and if you don't think winning the cup means anything, you are truely a canucks, preds, blues, kings, sharks, panthers, sabers, etc. fan

Avatar
#10 Andrew
November 16 2011, 09:29PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make. Are you saying that winning a cup in the last 30 years entitles you to be a petulant, whiny, butthurt, entitled brat?

And winning cups means everything and I look forward to celebrating when the Nucks do win one.

Avatar
#11 Mantastic
November 17 2011, 09:13AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Andrew

if your team has won multipul cups, one would expect to be able to win it again, hence the sense of entitlement. however, never accomplishing a thing and still assuming one should win the cup, where their entitlement is not warrented is another story. one franchise with a great history another the polar opposite.

entitlement comes with the perpetual whining and being butthurt when things don't go their way.

Avatar
#12 Milli
November 17 2011, 11:32AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Andrew wrote:

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make. Are you saying that winning a cup in the last 30 years entitles you to be a petulant, whiny, butthurt, entitled brat?

And winning cups means everything and I look forward to celebrating when the Nucks do win one.

When the canucks win one? HAHA, now that is funny!!!!!

Avatar
#13 Scotty Allan
November 17 2011, 02:40PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

I once got trip/ hacked viciously across the laces and when the ref smirked and did nothing I didn't complain I fed him a right cross and broke his jaw. Unfortunately, the Canucks have too much at stake to take that avenue do their only choice is to butch at him. Does that make us, the Canuck fans, the players, the organization or the city pussies? Canadians are the toughest citizens on Earth! I double dare anyone in a Blackhawks jersey to look up from his shoes as he's walking up the street, won't happen!

Avatar
#14 Mantastic
November 17 2011, 04:56PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Scotty Allan

wow, what a total meat head comment...

Avatar
#15 ncelled
November 18 2011, 06:26PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

he's just mad because his parents hated him enough to name him kelly

Avatar
#16 Mike
November 18 2011, 07:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

I kind of get tired of bitching and whining about the Canucks and their fans. Take your own advice, stop whining and move on.

Avatar
#17 Mike
November 18 2011, 07:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

haha I meant to say sick of hearing everyone whining and bitching about the Canucks and their fans. Anyway. Get over it.

Avatar
#18 Jon
November 18 2011, 07:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Someone's still butthurt after Game 7. Thanks again Campoli.

Avatar
#19 Will
November 18 2011, 09:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

More butthurt can be found within those paragraphs than at a Penn State summer camp.

Avatar
#20 Keep talkin pal
November 19 2011, 12:34AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Haters gonna hate

Avatar
#21 Cal Janson
November 20 2011, 10:51PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

You need more links in the opening paragraph...

Comments are closed for this article.