The Great American Victory Report Pt. 2: We'd be happy to take Vancouver off your hands

Ryan Lambert
February 18 2010 05:23PM

 

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let's be honest here, it's also about winners and losers. Canada may have won its first gold medal last night but I think it's time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I'm the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that's why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are several more specific reasons why.

1. Shaun White is literally the greatest athlete in the history of mankind.

 

That red streak that screamed past every Canadian man, woman and child last night was not any kind of cartoon bird or indeed one of the hundreds of intercontinental ballistic missiles our country has trained on your greatest landmark (the little-used cow shed in Fort MacLeod where Joni Mitchell was born, if I'm not mistaken) at any given time. No, it was Shaun White, the adorable little red-haired scamp who is going to win the gold medal in every single event in which he competes.

With the ability to get close to 30 feet in the air, a height barely matched by Canada's biggest skyscraper, White has time to kill and devour several Canadian endangered species, along with the hopes and dreams of your entire nation, all before doing a 720 triple fakie stalefish tailgrab (that's probably a real thing), curing two forms of cancer and landing with the gold medal already secured lovingly in its rightful place around his neck while teammate and bronze medal winner Scott Lago held back the adoring masses with a picture of hideous Canadian woman Christine Nesbitt.

And this ignores that White can't be bothered to compete in an event like snowboardcross, which is a made-up word. Instead, White let Seth Wescott, another American, win gold instead. Had White competed, however, he would have probably won all three medals and a fourth one invented just for him to further shame Canada.

2. Shani Davis could defeat a fighter jet in a race.

Shani Davis was originally the basis for mediocre superhero the Flash but DC Comics execs thought that no one would believe a human being could move that quickly. Instead, Davis turned his wealth of talent and abilities to speed skating, where last night he won his second gold medal in as many Olympics in the 1,000-meter race. Coming in third in that race was Chad Hedrick. I don't have to tell you, I'm sure, that Hedrick is a proud American hero.

It's funny, by the way. I'm currently looking at all the medalists in men's speed skating, and I don't see one single Canadian medalist. Oh wait, here's one that won a gold and a silver. Or.. no maybe I'm confused. Is yours the country with the kinda red and blue yin yang thing and a bunch of crazy writing on the sides? Oh this says it's South Korea. My bad. I just saw that the guy's name was "Mo Tae-Bum" and, based entirely on the last word in his surname, assumed he was Canadian.

3. Injuries of that type would cripple an ordinary woman, but Lindsey Vonn is no ordinary woman.

With a shin bruise as deep as the Marianas Trench and painful as the Canadian hockey team's inevitable ninth-place finish behind Latvia, Lindsey Vonn bravely hobbled onto the slopes for the ladies' downhill last night.

Staring down from the top of the mountain as though she were Hera looking down from Olympus, she regarded the swelling crowd for a moment, perhaps wondering what it was like for mere humans (or in the case of the Canadians in attendance, subhumans) to witness accomplishments with the gravity of what she was about to achieve. As she pushed off, the pain vanished and as the run continued, so too did Canada's hopes of ever catching the US in medal count.

She valorously defeated all her competitors, human frailty and the mountain itself to earn a prize as golden as her hair and singularly beautiful as the her opponents' gallons of tears.

4. We can even pin our non-successes on your rotten country.

Obviously I want the United States to run roughshod over every opponent it faces, taking all medals awarded at this and every other Olympiad past and future. But sometimes it's just not possible.

Take, for example, our representatives in the respective curling tournaments. So clueless is John Shuster as to how to properly execute with the hammer that, despite having had the final stone in each of America's four matches, this doughy ball of ineptitude has bungled each and skipped the US team to an 0-4 record and a guaranteed non-appearance in the medal round. So I wondered to myself, how could such a thing have happened with an American? Well I looked it up and he's from some small town in Minnesota, not an hour's drive from the Canadian border, and suddenly it made perfect sense. With your weather systems come your loser stink and I'm assuming that each fresh storm from the True North Strong and Free (yeah right) comes a healthy coating of snow and failure to be scraped off windshields and left to melt in gutters, much like any hope of Canadian victory over America.

And what of the women's team, currently 0-2 but and on its way to another healthy loss against Denmark even as I type this? Well as it turns out, the team is skipped by Debbie McCormick. Birthplace: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. No joke.

Very funny, Canada, sending your citizens to infiltrate and destroy our American teams, and rob us of the gold medals we so richly deserve merely for existing.

5. It's still all about medal count.

Just as you'd expect, there's America waaaaaaaaaay up at the top there. A whopping 15 medals, and six of them the glittering gold of American athletic perfection. After that is Germany with a paltry 11 and Norway with a pitiable eight.

Man, I swear I could have heard Canada was competing in these Olympics. You'd think the host country would be able to make some kind of accounting for itself. But here we are and I don't think Canada's won a single medal in any sp.. oh no I found them, way down in a tie for fourth with... hahahaha a tie for fourth with France. That's hysterical. You bozos are only two medals up on South Korea. I didn't even know they had snow there.

But maybe you wanna look at gold medals as the hallmark of true champions. The US leads there as well. Five total. Canada's only got three. One more than China.

And even if by some miracle every American in the Games suddenly drops dead and opens the door for a whole host of second-rate nobodies to clamber onto the medal podiums, the US has such a healthy lead in the Olympic all-time medal count that it would take another century of games for someone to even rival its output. America has won 2,511 medals since the first Olympiad in 1896. The next closest country is Russia/USSR with just 1,204. For those curious, Canada has 379.

So hey buddies, don't sweat it too much. You only need to win 50 medals in every Olympiad for the next 22 years, and hope the Americans win none, to be in our ballpark.

God Bless America!

686dfac3780611cb7acad6ce5166c6c1
Yer ol' buddy Lambert is handsome and great and everyone loves him. Also you can visit his regular blog at The Two-Line Pass or follow him on Twitter. Lucky you!
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#1 NotWorthIt
February 18 2010, 05:29PM
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Yawn.

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#2 jeanshorts
February 18 2010, 05:30PM
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Some kind of over the top, angry rebuttal because I clearly don't understand satire!

GO EFF YERSELF EH!

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#3 NotWorthIt
February 18 2010, 05:32PM
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@JeanShorts

What the heck is this fella talking aboot, eh? Why is he being so mean to us? What have we done?

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#4 Racki
February 18 2010, 05:33PM
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When Canada has nearly 10x the population we currently do to draw athletes from, then we can brag about the extra 2 gold medals we will have at that point. Hoorah!

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#5 yegCopywriter
February 18 2010, 05:36PM
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I knew Carrot Top was working out, but Olympic Gold? Good for him.

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#6 Word
February 18 2010, 05:39PM
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This one was way funnier than the first.

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#7 Muji 狗
February 18 2010, 05:47PM
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Not very funny.

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#8 Racki
February 18 2010, 05:53PM
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yegCopywriter wrote:

I knew Carrot Top was working out, but Olympic Gold? Good for him.

I'd test him for roids!

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#9 Ender
February 18 2010, 06:04PM
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I'm smiling. I admit it, you made me smile. Well written, even for someone who hails from the Land of Illiteracy.

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#10 RossCreekNation
February 18 2010, 06:07PM
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Damn! I was just gonna throw my Carrot Top reference out.

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#11 RossCreekNation
February 18 2010, 06:12PM
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~Lindsey Vonn sure did well today~

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#12 Petr's Jofa
February 18 2010, 06:15PM
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Hey back off man. We paid for and built the podiums therefore we own them. Nothing you wrte can change that.

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#13 Ambassador humantorch
February 18 2010, 06:19PM
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The endless deluge of American bloggers and "journalists" all attempting to be funny and/or clever by wagging their dicks around and making fun of Canada just gets better every goddamned day.

Maybe it's time to find a new schtick, TLP. This entire attempt at humor just screams "trying too hard."

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#14 jeanshorts
February 18 2010, 06:24PM
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If anyone needs a pick me up, here's the complete opposite of this article.

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/17/allez-canada/?8ty&emc=ty

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#15 Wanye
February 18 2010, 06:33PM
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"I just saw that the guy's name was "Mo Tae-Bum" and, based entirely on the last word in his surname, assumed he was Canadian."

I have killed people for less.

Ok not really killed but totally deleted them on facebook as friends. But, TLP and I aren't friends on facebook. So I can't delete him....

TLP will you be my friend on facebook?

No wait ... that can't be right.

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#16 Wanye
February 18 2010, 06:36PM
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Oh and also - you have the world pretty figured out for a guy who hasn't figured out how to get himself an avatar on the site.

*pumps fists in victory*

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#17 Arik
February 18 2010, 06:54PM
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O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

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#18 ChaseEmDown
February 18 2010, 07:09PM
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Go fist yourself.

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#19 Victoria
February 18 2010, 07:15PM
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I thought the USA was full of fat people.

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#20 DoubleJ
February 18 2010, 07:21PM
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Pronger and Niedermeyer are killing Canada

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#21 jeanshorts
February 18 2010, 07:32PM
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DoubleJ wrote:

Pronger and Niedermeyer are killing Canada

They're also hurting the men's hockey team too.

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#22 Rob...
February 18 2010, 07:56PM
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Hey TLP, good on the U.S. for winning more gold medals. I hear Biden saw a Canadian 'Money for Gold' commercial from his hotel room and has already sent off Carrot Top's medal. That 12 Trillion dollars of debt won't pay for itself after all.

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#23 Oilitsinyoutogive
February 18 2010, 08:09PM
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this is really just funny to read. Kind of sums up the portrayed American attitude.

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#24 Observer
February 18 2010, 08:17PM
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I hope you watched Gregor after you openly bashed the opponents of Canada (The Swiss) in your show yesterday.

The cockyness is similar to 97 when the WJC team was humbled. I hope this isn't a hard-luck lesson for Canadians who need to remember you need to play the game like the game could be stolen from you tomorrow.

The arrogance of Canadian fans who think we can win just because we're on Cdn soil is scary.

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#25 David S
February 18 2010, 08:21PM
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This is freaking great stuff.

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#26 rubbertrout
February 18 2010, 08:27PM
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David S wrote:

This is freaking great stuff.

X10

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#27 KenL
February 18 2010, 08:32PM
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Hey TFL JackAss,

I noticed the cocky ugly American Lindsey Jacobellis didn't even medal this time. Karma is a bitch baby - and that stunting crap that COST her the gold in Turino is coming back to bite her in spades!!!

WAY TO GO Malle Ricker!!!!

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#28 jeanshorts
February 18 2010, 08:33PM
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@KenL

Mmmmmmm. Malle Ricker.

*wonders into the streets*

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#29 Jmask5
February 18 2010, 08:36PM
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Lame post bud. You know what grinds my gears? How Americans can rip on Canada pretty much non stop and as soon as any Canadian stands up and shows some pride they get ripped for being arogant. What a load of crap.

BTW Kimiko Zakreski is 10 times hotter than Vonn. http://jonathancruzfotos.wordpress.com/2009/12/11/kimiko-zakreski-makes-sportsnet-top-10-hottest/

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#30 OilFan
February 18 2010, 08:55PM
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LOL USA

GO CANADA GO

GOD BLESS CANADA AND NO ONE ELSE

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#31 OilFan
February 18 2010, 09:06PM
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Johnny Weir typical USA man!!!

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#33 Harlie
February 18 2010, 09:27PM
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HAHA TLP!!!!

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#34 George
February 18 2010, 09:49PM
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Great article. Here's another funny story for your Canadian fans:

http://www.thestevenetwork.ca/2010/02/18/dont-blame-britt-a-passionate-editorial/

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#35 Doug
February 18 2010, 10:01PM
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These articles are really lowering the class of oilers nation. It's unfortunate they are allowed to continue.

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#36 EMAC
February 18 2010, 10:14PM
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Wow, hilarious read lol.

However, at the end of the day it all comes down to the mens ice hockey, and Team USA couldn't even beat the Oilers.

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#37 jake
February 18 2010, 10:33PM
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I get what you are trying to do here and it's seems to be working, getting under some Canadian skin. But really are

"rotten country" "you bozos" "loser stink"

really necessary to make your point?

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#38 Puritania
February 18 2010, 10:50PM
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Doug wrote:

These articles are really lowering the class of oilers nation. It's unfortunate they are allowed to continue.

x10

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#40 BigE57
February 18 2010, 11:21PM
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Wanye wrote:

Oh and also - you have the world pretty figured out for a guy who hasn't figured out how to get himself an avatar on the site.

*pumps fists in victory*

Lifelong Flames fan from the USA. The education system down there really is in a shambles.

his may be unprecedented but has there ever been an occasion where a Nation writer has been banned from the site. You know for maybe the duration of the olympics or some arbitrary amount of time like that?

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#41 jeanshorts
February 18 2010, 11:25PM
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@Ryan Lambert

Seems to me an Aussie usurped the mighty USA snowboard team in woman's half pipe today.

*one fist pump so powerful then entire state of New Jersey has an orgasm*

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#42 OilrHead
February 18 2010, 11:46PM
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Isn't that typical, TLP is just trying to make up for the pride he never received as a result of his "non-performance" in his sex life due to his pathetic isty bitsy teeny weenie!

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#43 Mike
February 19 2010, 02:22AM
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What the Fu@k is with this stunned idiot? I don not come to this site to hear about how good the Americans are? How the Fu#k cares? Do not let this douche bag continue to write on OUR web site...

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#44 SmellOfVictory
February 19 2010, 03:15AM
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It's good to see that you've mastered the art of counting (next step, addition!), but it looks like you're a long way from understanding humour. The wit on display in this post is somewhere on the level of a 12 year old making gay jokes: ham-fisted, poorly-directed, and a little irritating. Valiant attempt, but unfortunately executed.

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#45 rubbertrout
February 19 2010, 07:28AM
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Take it for what it is and get a laugh. Let's remember, TLP ordered a freaking OLEG SAPRYKIN jersey. To make it worse, he apparently did so on purpose. Consider the source before you start hating on him.

Think of him kind of like your retarded cousin. You know he rambles on and doesn't make any sense but at the end of the day he's going to be sitting in a Depends diaper full of his own rancid fecal matter so do you really need to dump on him for his uniformed ways?

Just kidding TLP.

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#46 Jmask5
February 19 2010, 07:40AM
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Ryan Lambert wrote:

she's from Calgary too, buddy. another in a long line of strikes against Edmonton.

So... Calgary is a city in Canada last I checked. Not sure though. I'm from Toronto so I really don't care if Edmontonians don't think their girls are hot but when I watch Oilers games I see a lot of hot girls in the stands.

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#47 BUCK75
February 19 2010, 07:42AM
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yegCopywriter wrote:

I knew Carrot Top was working out, but Olympic Gold? Good for him.

You got to give it to a guy like Shaun White. It is a great story, being poor & all growing up & now Red Bull built him his own half pipe & gets paid like 9 million dollars a year in endorsements.

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6120725n&tag=api

http://www.shaunwhite.com/projectx/?fbid=eU1sglVISdI

He may not be on steroids - but he has wings...look at the videos of the lengths they wen tot build this half pipe in the middle of nowhere.

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#48 Bucknuck
February 19 2010, 08:32AM
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Isn't this the part where I pull your american jersey over your head and start feeding you some loser Canadian knuckle sandwiches?

This was well written and funny, though it does grate on the ol' Canadian Pride. *EDIT* which I realize is the entire point!

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#49 bingofuel
February 19 2010, 08:56AM
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TLP, as much as I hate you for this, it had me LOLing.

Anyone who reads too much into this over-the-top poke at Canada takes themselves too seriously, IMO. It's the Olympics! Let's sh*t talk each other as much as we can before we have to go back to pretending we like each other. ;)

Also, TLP, die. Just die, already.

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#50 Librarian Mike
February 19 2010, 08:58AM
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Hilarious article, TLP.

Some of you guys need to relax and recognize that the point of this article is humour (right, TLP?). Let's all take a step back and remember who the real enemy is:

THE ENGLISH

http://www.id-wall.com/images/large/MP010117-Twits-MPFC-90.jpg

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