February 18 2010 10:24AM
Question: say you put Scott Hamilton and Darren Pang into some sort of foot locker together. Say you then grabbed somebody walking by, pulled one of them out of the foot locker and said "QUICK! QUICK! Is this Scott Hamilton or Darren Pang? QUICK!" Before slamming them back in the foot locker, do you think the passer by would be able to tell who they saw?
We sure wouldn't.
For all we can tell Darren Pang and Scott Hamilton are the same person. They look alike, they are both roughly the size of a flea and both are doing a boat loat of commentary on the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. Seriously, they are TWINS! Wait, imagine they were twins? Wouldn't that be something? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We know we didn't deliver on an Olympic update yesterday, breaking the sacred covenant between crazy internet guy and all 11 readers of these sites - and for that we apologize. If it means anything we wrote two articles the day before, including one that called for a rousing Canadian win over the Finns, when in fact as we all know it was Norway that was handed the beat down in the first game.
Yes, you have correctly called us out on it. We did come home from crushing a spicy bottle of Captain Morgans only to remember we needed an Olympic Update AND an Olympic Game post.
"Thish can't be that hard" we thought to ourselves, "we haf written articles in the bag before today and we will do it again." We thought we were being so Jonathan Willisian too, what with our calculation of the salaries of the Canadian Team. We looked each and every number up and even had an argument with ourselves about using cap hit numbers or actual salary in our figures. We were thinking THIS hard while greased about Team Canada salaries. For YOU Nation.
Doesn't ANYTHING please you?
*wipes tears from eyes*
SPEAKING OF IDIOTS TALKING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS
How about a slow clap for the British newspapers, everyone. Have you seen how they are trashing the Vancouver games in the lead up to the Olympics in London?
"As Vancouver faces up to Games that appear to have been cursed, there is one positive outcome for London. Many believed that London would be overshadowed hopelessly by the glitz of Beijing in 2008, but Vancouver may have provided a buffer of reality that will make whatever London does look like light relief compared with Canada's gloom." - Eason.
"You may have read of transport chaos in Vancouver, $400,000 worth of tickets recalled because of safety concerns, events postponed and a bob track criticized for its part in a young man's death. You may reasonably conclude from it that these Winter Olympic Games are close to farce, that the red seen everywhere among the crowds is a reflection of official embarrassment. You would be wrong. The passion for their Games is tangible among Canadians. They talk in this most westerly province of this vast country of little else." - Neil Wilson, the Daily Mail.
Now outside of James Bond, we could generally give two squirts about what anyone in England thinks, with about 8 exceptions. This especially goes for a bunch of foppish newspaper reporters from England. "Close to a farce?" "Compared with Canada's gloom?" Seriously?
A HAIL OF INSULTS
Now maybe over in Britain, redirecting your National Dental Plan contributions for the past 50 years has left you with the ability to control the weather and a national smile that could blind a newborn baby. But over here we can't actually do anything about the beautiful weather. So cancelling $400,000 worth of tickets due to safety concerns from a lack of snow actually makes sense.
And maybe over in Britain, it would be strange for people in your typical loveless British marriage to speak of the Olympic Games while the Olympic Games were going on in their own back yard. Perhaps two gentlemen wouldn't speak of the results of the previous day at the Olympics while being shoehorned onto a stifling London Tube car, eating in one of your hundreds of indescribably awful restaurants or whilst being spied on by one of the millions of closed circuit television cameras you have seen fit to install everywhere to spy on your citizens.
But over here, yeah we "talk in this most westerly province of little else." All across the Country as a matter of fact. We are kind of silly like that we suppose - we get excited about things generally one would get excited about.
What is the matter with you, British Press, exactly?
Are you trying to lower expectations back home so that if the Games go off poorly Londoners won't think that the bar has been set that high? Are you just pricks looking for things to bash before you go home to 25-dollar lunch buffets that are so gross our travelling companions were once heard to remark "With food this bad, how does anyone in England manage to survive past breast feeding?" Is that it? Making snippy commentary whilst overseas somehow diminishes the dreariness of life back home?
Whatever it is, kindly clam up before we fire up the Nation War Wagon™, grab jeanshorts and all 367 Ogden brothers and drive on whatever highway to take to get to England and start fights at your precious soccer games. Yeah, that's the ticket. Big fights at soccer games. You ponces wouldn't know what hit you then, would you?
Great, now we are all worked up before 10:30 AM. Nothing good happens on these days.
*wipes tears from eyes*