The Great American Victory Report (Part 1 of many)

Ryan Lambert
February 15 2010 01:40PM



Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let's be honest here, it's also about winners and losers. Canada may have won its first gold medal last night but I think it's time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I'm the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that's why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

There are several very specific reasons why.

1. Apolo Ohno will not be denied.

The scene was looking dire for speed skating's answer to Michael Phelps (an American, by the way). He was trailing two South Koreans on the final lap of the 1,500-meter race when one South Korean, so scared of the wrath of both Ohno and the United States of America, cut in front of his teammate and both crashed out of the race. Ohno finished in second, securing the first of his many medals in Vancouver, with a silver. JR Celski, who is also an American and therefore a winner, took bronze.

And now a list of Canadians that medaled in men's speedskating: ...

2. Hannah Kearney is not a national disgrace.


Unlike competitors in the women's moguls from SOME countries, the competing Americans did not leave Friday night having filled their countrymen with shame and disappointment. Some woman I've never heard of called Jennifer Heil was, I guess, meant to be some sort of skiing champion and Canada was all like "Yeah this girl right here is our girl." And then, as if to underscore the futility of Canadian nationalism, a beautiful American hero by the name of Hannah Kearney came and swiped the gold medal right from Canada's waiting, expecting grasp.

Can you guess who took the bronze in that event? It was Shannon Bahrke. Perhaps you'd know her better as That Other American Girl Who Sang the Star-Spangled Banner Right in Jen Heil's Stupid Face.

 

3. Johnny Spillane excels at even the stupidest of sports.

I don't know what Nordic Combined is, but I assume it's ridiculous because up until yesterday the Americans had never won a medal in it. Dancin' Johnny Spillane changed all that by capturing a silver medal and finishing behind some French guy who's supposed to be the best in the world at this by just .4 seconds. It's going to shock you, I'm sure, but there wasn't one Canadian medalist in the event.

4. Bryon Wilson is a good sport.

Obviously any American could have mopped several good-sized floors with any Canadian who dare oppose him, but ol' B-Dubs was just about as magnanimous as you can possibly be, and demurred to loathsome Canadian Alexandre Bilodeau. OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF HIS HEART HE DID THIS!

5. We're not disingenuous.

 

Look, we all know Hawaii shouldn't be one of the 50 United States, and any Hawaiians that happen to win medals quickly have them confiscated before they are flown back to their miserable little island without a word of congratulations.

That's how Canadians treat Quebec every three years and 49 weeks. All I ever hear from you is how Quebec isn't a real province and why don't they just get out of our country. Then some French Canadian fellow with a girls' name wins a gold and every Canadian is all like "YES THIS IS OUR GREATEST ATHLETIC ACCOMPLISHMENT OF ALL TIME." You guys are a bunch of creeps. I hope he sang O Canada in French when they gave him his medal.

6. It didn't take America three Olympics to win gold.

First of all, let's just look at the comparative quality of Olympic hosts. America got to host the third-ever Olympiad in 1904. Canada didn't get to host until 1976. That's 72 years of the IOC going, "Canada? Yeah right. We'll let Belgium host one though for sure." Honestly, Belgium!

And anyway, y'know how long it took America to win a gold medal at an Olympiad it hosted? Like 10 minutes. For real, America won 239 of a possible 280 medals in those St. Louis 1904 Games and took 78 of 96 golds. Canada? Four, or 5.1 percent of American golds. Boom.

So Canada hosted in '76 and '88 and won a grand total of zero gold medals. America plundered 36. In these games, we're tied up at one apiece. Congrats on your big, ahem, victory.

7. Weak-ass Opening Ceremonies.

Just terrible. A punk like Wayne Gretzky gets to light the torch? When was the last time he even lived in Canada? Wasn't it like 1986 or something?

Oh, and the music. Really? You couldn't get anyone better than kd lang? She didn't even sing one of her own songs. She sang a Leonard Cohen song. And not even a GOOD Leonard Cohen song! Plus, rolling out Bryan Adams; what's the matter, was Lover Boy booked? I try to take it easy on the stereotypes around here but sometimes you just step right in it with all your "eh"-ing and "beauty"-ing and it's impossible to ignore. Bryan Adams. How appalling. Did you guys forget that Neil Freaking Young is from Toronto?

And then you can't even get that stupid pillar to come out of the stage. Olympics ruined.

8. It's all about medal count, baby.

 

Hmm I'm looking at the standings here and would you look at that, America leads in total medals with six. Let's go down the rest of the list shall we? Germany has four. That's nice. France has three, that's very adorable.

Oh there's Canada. Three medals. This has to be a typo. I can't believe you have that many, and it's only one more than South f'n Korea. And still half of America's total. Hahaha. We're still the Greatest Country in the World.

God Bless America!

686dfac3780611cb7acad6ce5166c6c1
Yer ol' buddy Lambert is handsome and great and everyone loves him. Also you can visit his regular blog at The Two-Line Pass or follow him on Twitter. Lucky you!
Avatar
#1 David S
February 15 2010, 01:48PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Nice article. - Ha ha! I mean, uhhh...errr...FIST!

*Bryan Adams was singing in the opening ceremonies? All I saw was a ridiculously hot Nelly Furtado. I think you may have been mistaken.

Avatar
#2 Ambassador humantorch
February 15 2010, 01:53PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

You guys also elected George W. Bush TWICE, thereby cementing your status as the DUMBEST nation on earth.

So I guess it all evens out in the end.

Avatar
#3 aPauledByShallowness
February 15 2010, 01:54PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

It would be a yank that suggests such flawed logic while simultaneously ignoring the entire raison d'être of the olympic movement. Way to go. Make the olympics a BASE display of ignorance. Brilliant.

You may want to look at population to performance ratios, I'm sure that'll cheer you up.

Avatar
#4 Ambassador humantorch
February 15 2010, 01:55PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Also, I hope your hockey team enjoys getting the everloving snot beat out of it in the only Winter Olympic sport that matters. Say hi to 5th place for us!

Avatar
#5 Dyckster
February 15 2010, 02:01PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

~Who allowed the blog troll to post an article on the mighty Nation!~

Hey TLP! How many Stanley Cups has the Rouge Blanc & Bleu won? Ya, I thought so....PFFFT. :)

Funny stuff!

Avatar
#6 Bam
February 15 2010, 02:01PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Ambassador humantorch wrote:

You guys also elected George W. Bush TWICE, thereby cementing your status as the DUMBEST nation on earth.

So I guess it all evens out in the end.

This

Avatar
#7 Dyckster
February 15 2010, 02:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
aPauledByShallowness wrote:

It would be a yank that suggests such flawed logic while simultaneously ignoring the entire raison d'être of the olympic movement. Way to go. Make the olympics a BASE display of ignorance. Brilliant.

You may want to look at population to performance ratios, I'm sure that'll cheer you up.

Wow, who pooped in your Corn Flakes dude. Where's the tildes?

TLP was just funnin....weren't ya?

*Scratches head, thinks TLP was maybe being serious. Damn you TLP!*

Avatar
#8 Jeff
February 15 2010, 02:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Flames fans are all the same.

Avatar
#9 Phil
February 15 2010, 02:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Joke or not, I don't approve of this dumb f*cking blog report. That's some grade "A" horsesh*t right there.

Hey TLP, (there there there. - WG)

And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed.

Avatar
#10 Ethan
February 15 2010, 02:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

@Ambassador humantorch

^^^^^^

hahah BURN!

Avatar
#11 GSC
February 15 2010, 02:15PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

As an American (and hopefully soon to be Canadian), all I can do is shake my head at this kind of chest-beating smugness that has become all too common in our culture. It's one thing to have patriotism and pride, as both are great virtues to possess, but this kind of arrogance is quite another.

Some may see me as the self-hating American who wants to disown his country by heading North of the Border. That's bullsh*t. Despite my aspirations to obtain dual citizenship, I'll never forget where I'm from and what my heritage is.

I'll always be one to encourage collaboration and cooperation between the US and Canada, as both sides mutually benefit from the relationship. In fact, that's a big reason why I'm looking to study and settle in Canada: I want to learn more about the history of this relationship, and to see the differences between two seemingly "identical" nations.

I just can't stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There's no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver.

Avatar
#12 ChaseEmDown
February 15 2010, 02:16PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Way to keep it subtle and sportsmanlike. No wonder the whole world hates you.

Avatar
#13 Wanye
February 15 2010, 02:17PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

@GSC

I for one understand the humour of this post and think it is great. I also understand the humour of looking to the Coach of the Maple Leafs for a winning strategy at the Olympics.

Spicy!

Also, damn you TLP.

Avatar
#14 Wanye
February 15 2010, 02:18PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
ChaseEmDown wrote:

Way to keep it subtle and sportsmanlike. No wonder the whole world hates you.

"The whole world hates you"

BAHAHAHAHA

Avatar
#15 GSC
February 15 2010, 02:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Wanye wrote:

I for one understand the humour of this post and think it is great. I also understand the humour of looking to the Coach of the Maple Leafs for a winning strategy at the Olympics.

Spicy!

Also, damn you TLP.

Touché, my good Wanye.

Ya, I do see some humour in it, but I felt compelled to respond given the immediate backlash with the comments. I'm sure TLP is just looking to have some fun, and to spice things up, but I had to say something.

The appropriate response from Canadians here (perhaps you, good Wanye) would be to make a post of their own in exalting the virtues of Canadian Olympians and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold.

Now that I'm off of my soapbox, let's have some fun with this!

Avatar
#16 Zamboni Driver
February 15 2010, 02:31PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Actually I have to agree on ole k.d. - has anyone seen (or thought of) dude in like 10 years?

Avatar
#17 Charlie
February 15 2010, 02:40PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Kind of funny.

Having said that, I'm sure this article at 16 comments is among the most ever for TLP and the flamesnation.

I'm focusing on my country's hockey team right now instead of my NHL team, and I guess TLP is too.

Guess the only difference is his team was supposedly a cup contender...

Avatar
#18 Kieso
February 15 2010, 02:47PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Ok ok just relax everyone. We all love to see the "ugly American" and well this was handed to us on a silver platter.

I thought it was well done and very funny. When something is so over the top like this - well then you really have to read between the lines a little.

And if we are honest with ourselves, point 5 is bang on correct.

Avatar
#19 Harlie
February 15 2010, 02:55PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

BAHAHAHAHA!!!

"Obviously any American could have mopped several good-sized floors with any Canadian who dare oppose him,"

Avatar
#20 H
February 15 2010, 03:00PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

2006 Medal count, USA 25 Canada 24. Not bad for 1/10th the population. 2002 We lost, 1998 Canada 15 USA 13.

I'd wait to beat your chest with arrogance as history has shown your 10x the population doesnt always mean domination, plus I count hockey as 23 medals personally.

Avatar
#21 Wanye
February 15 2010, 03:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
GSC wrote:

Touché, my good Wanye.

Ya, I do see some humour in it, but I felt compelled to respond given the immediate backlash with the comments. I'm sure TLP is just looking to have some fun, and to spice things up, but I had to say something.

The appropriate response from Canadians here (perhaps you, good Wanye) would be to make a post of their own in exalting the virtues of Canadian Olympians and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold.

Now that I'm off of my soapbox, let's have some fun with this!

I've carved half the Canadian Media up like a thanksgiving turkey in my article today. We don't need Americans to embarass us, we will gladly do it ourselves it seems.

The points in this article are all well said. The stinging lets you know its working!

Avatar
#22 6zeppelin6
February 15 2010, 03:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

your a moron. 'nough said.

Avatar
#24 Eric Johnson
February 15 2010, 03:08PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Crap rolls downhill, thats why it goes Canada, USA then Mexico.

It certainly explains the smell in Detroit.

Side note;

Some clever americans have been holding up signs at the olympics that read U S EH.

~ Just when you thought you could hate them all~

Avatar
#25 Charlie
February 15 2010, 03:11PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Do people actually hate Americans? I can't believe that. Really? Outside of a handful of teabaggers addicted to Fox News I've never disliked any of them.

Avatar
#26 Bruno
February 15 2010, 03:16PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

That was k.d lang? I thought it was a young Wayne Newton impersonator.

Avatar
#27 Wanye
February 15 2010, 03:29PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Ryan Lambert wrote:

your spelling and grammar show why you are the arbiter of all things moronic.

Can I be the Viceroy of all things moronic?

*puts pants on head as some variety of hat*

Avatar
#28 KenL
February 15 2010, 03:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

(tut tut Sir. The Olympics are designed for peace - WG)

Dude, WTF were you watching on Friday. Aside from a few glitches, the opening ceremonies were AWESOME!!! I mean can it get anymore Canadian than Gretzky riding in the back of a pickup? Surely a red necking loving Calgarian like you can appreciate the tip off to what you pass as high brow transportation.

And need I remind of your great Lindsay Jackobellias who 4 years ago kissed her gold medal goodbye because of her stupid stunting?

When Canada, Germany and US beats the US in medal count and standings, do the honorable thing and apologize for being such a douche. But humility is a Canadian trait, a concept a jackass like you can't comprehend.

Avatar
#29 Wanyes bastard child
February 15 2010, 04:36PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Wanye wrote:

Can I be the Viceroy of all things moronic?

*puts pants on head as some variety of hat*

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=81

And every time I see TLP make a blog I keep thinking his name is toilet paper...

haha look at me, I made a funny...

Avatar
#30 Ducey
February 15 2010, 05:08PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

I am thinking TLP may technically be American. He was likely born in a Ghetto, or Bayou, or some other place God "Blessed" in America. Likely his "mom" and "dad" were inmates, or first cousins, or both at the time of his conception and he has had a hard life.

His poor upbringing is why he gravitates naturally to the Flames.

However, at some point he must have spent a lot of time in Canada. Evidence?

a)he appears to be able to read and write; b)he has not passed away from scurvy or other curable diseases as he has had access to proper health care; c)despite his attraction to the Flames, he appears to like and possibly understand hockey; d)his criticism of Canada and its athletes and celebrities indicates a high level of familiarity. For example, a true American upon seeing KD Lang would say "Huh? Who the hell is that? Looks like some kind of lesbian or something" e)he has heard of Quebec: f)he can count to 6

A true American could maybe do one of these, certainly not all.

Avatar
#31 RossCreekNation
February 15 2010, 05:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Anyone offended by this obviously hasn't read any TwoLinePass before.

This IS funny, guys.

TLP, a true heel, has the fans booing him mercilessly and LOVES IT!

Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men's hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

*That was k.d.lang? And here I thought that was Mario Lemieux's Olympic contribution (or Roy Orbisson or Clay Aiken or insert funny name here).*

**BTW, Mario Lemieux has 1 Olympic gold medal (in which he captained the team), Gretzky - zero. Yet, not even one mention of Lemieux being possibly involved beforehand**

Avatar
#32 KenL
February 15 2010, 05:18PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
RossCreekNation wrote:

Anyone offended by this obviously hasn't read any TwoLinePass before.

This IS funny, guys.

TLP, a true heel, has the fans booing him mercilessly and LOVES IT!

Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men's hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

*That was k.d.lang? And here I thought that was Mario Lemieux's Olympic contribution (or Roy Orbisson or Clay Aiken or insert funny name here).*

**BTW, Mario Lemieux has 1 Olympic gold medal (in which he captained the team), Gretzky - zero. Yet, not even one mention of Lemieux being possibly involved beforehand**

You're right...I've never read his stuff. Probably it was so crappy, I glossed over it.

Honestly, I don't see any humor in his rant. The Simpson's mocking the Canadian basketball team is funny. This guy comes off as troll at best, and a jackass at worst.

Avatar
#33 jess
February 15 2010, 05:22PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

RossCreek has it correctly! Well done TLP. You make me proud to be Canadian, and a Flames Fan!

Avatar
#34 Eric Johnson
February 15 2010, 05:29PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Wow there are some sensitive Sally's here in Oiler country.

Read the article again only this time firmly place thy tongue betwixt thy cheek.

*good grief*

Avatar
#35 Wanye
February 15 2010, 05:32PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
jess wrote:

RossCreek has it correctly! Well done TLP. You make me proud to be Canadian, and a Flames Fan!

I find the paradox of a Flames fan from the USA to be so perplexing. This is a fine article and everyone freaking out needs to take it down a notch.

Its more intense around here than in an American Nordic Combined medal celebration.

Nice montages NBC. "Finally the drought is over" indeed.

Avatar
#36 rubbertrout
February 15 2010, 05:53PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

I'll take our per capita Olympic haul as opposed to the States' thank you very much.

Go Canada!

Stay classy. Just like Modano and the boys in Nagano.

It actually was pretty funny.

Avatar
#37 Word
February 15 2010, 06:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Since we're all getting to air our sensitivities I wanna jump on board on the "wah"-train: TLP this article is garbage.

I get the principle behind the joke. Someone with a better sense of humor could have really made this a slam dunk, but Stephen Colbert you are not.

I used to think you were one of the funniest satire writers on the internet with your articles sarcastically praising the Calgary Flames, but now I know the truth: you weren't actually trying to be funny when you said the Flames were great - you were serious! I feel like I just spent my time laughing at what I thought was a brilliant whoopie-cushion prank, only to discover that I was just watching a poor soul publicly sh1t his pants. Of course, that analogy only goes so far because, unlike this blog post, sphincter failure is kinda funny.

Unfortunately I had to learn this tragic lesson by finding out that this "article" is what it looks like when you're trying to be funny. Let me tell you sister, it's not pretty.

1000 words is a little unnecessary for shock humor, and it only succeeded in dampening the rare nuggets of wit that were in there (I thought the Bryon Wilson part was funny).

Anyway... Good talk. See you out there.

Avatar
#38 1011011
February 15 2010, 09:38PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Word wrote:

Since we're all getting to air our sensitivities I wanna jump on board on the "wah"-train: TLP this article is garbage.

I get the principle behind the joke. Someone with a better sense of humor could have really made this a slam dunk, but Stephen Colbert you are not.

I used to think you were one of the funniest satire writers on the internet with your articles sarcastically praising the Calgary Flames, but now I know the truth: you weren't actually trying to be funny when you said the Flames were great - you were serious! I feel like I just spent my time laughing at what I thought was a brilliant whoopie-cushion prank, only to discover that I was just watching a poor soul publicly sh1t his pants. Of course, that analogy only goes so far because, unlike this blog post, sphincter failure is kinda funny.

Unfortunately I had to learn this tragic lesson by finding out that this "article" is what it looks like when you're trying to be funny. Let me tell you sister, it's not pretty.

1000 words is a little unnecessary for shock humor, and it only succeeded in dampening the rare nuggets of wit that were in there (I thought the Bryon Wilson part was funny).

Anyway... Good talk. See you out there.

Holy sh1t everyone lighten up. The fact everyone is this tightly wound makes ME embarrased to be an Oilers fan.

This was hilarious and I AM an Oilers fan.

Avatar
#39 Word
February 15 2010, 10:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
1011011 wrote:

Holy sh1t everyone lighten up. The fact everyone is this tightly wound makes ME embarrased to be an Oilers fan.

This was hilarious and I AM an Oilers fan.

Fair enough. I'm honestly not offended by the article because it was sarcastically anti-Canadian (I get that it was supposed to be a joke). I just think it wasn't well done at all.

Avatar
#40 1011011
February 15 2010, 11:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Word wrote:

Fair enough. I'm honestly not offended by the article because it was sarcastically anti-Canadian (I get that it was supposed to be a joke). I just think it wasn't well done at all.

Fair enough too I guess. I laughed though so at the very least we can agree:

TLP Funny: 1 TLP not funny: 1 Canadian Gold: 1

Avatar
#41 Ambassador humantorch
February 15 2010, 11:23PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

My point about GWB still stands.

Avatar
#42 GSC
February 16 2010, 09:49AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props
Wanye wrote:

I find the paradox of a Flames fan from the USA to be so perplexing. This is a fine article and everyone freaking out needs to take it down a notch.

Its more intense around here than in an American Nordic Combined medal celebration.

Nice montages NBC. "Finally the drought is over" indeed.

Just as much as a paradox for this Ohio native to be an Oiler fan, no?

Avatar
#43 jess
February 16 2010, 12:30PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

@Wanye

I have a hard time explaining that to my fellow flames fans,

"You guys have to read this blog, it's absolutely hilarious."

But, I'm a Flames fan in Vancouver, so I feel akin to TLP in more than just a flames fan way.

TLP.

Keep writing. Ignore the banter. Good work, sir.

Avatar
#44 Mary Sunday
February 17 2010, 07:51PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

What I find most amusing is that these Canadians actually think they're going to beat the Russians and win gold. Having a laugh, obviously.

Comments are closed for this article.