February 14 2010 11:46AM
The first lazy Saturday of the 2010 Olympics have come and gone and we now consider ourselves an authority on speed skating, mogul skiing and the Gold Medal prospects of the Canadian Womens Ice Hockey Squadron. We have also heard enough sound bites of patriotic classical music to be able to write a series of National Anthems ourselves.
Strings: Check. Soaring trumpet? Check. Kettle drum roll and fade to cymbals? Check. Nice.
That's some new anthem we just wrote for you Moldavia. You're welcome.
Fact: The Canadian Womens team beat Slovakia 18-0. That's 6 goals per period or a goal every 3.33 mins.
Fact: The Slovakian Womens team beat Belarus 82-0 in qualifying for the games. That's 27 goals per period or a goal every 44 seconds.
What would honestly happen if the Canadian Women's team played Belarus? Can you even exceed an 82-0 result? Could they stay focused enough for three periods of hockey to score 90 goals? The mind stretches to comprehend doesn't it?
We have read about these lopsided drubbings in Women's hockey from time to time but must admit that we only tune in for the medal round generally where the field of play is generally more levelled and the games are close. But we had always wanted to watch a two digit smashing that didn't involve the Oilers and the Sabres or the Blackhawks so we tuned in.
You had to feel for the Slovakian goalie. She faced more shots to the face than 50 Cent and didn't actually play badly at all. The rest of her teammates however - wow. Standing around, unable to complete a pass to save their lives and generally just looking as though they wanted it to be over the second it started.
And after an 18-0 drubbing we can't help but think the Canadians have their number should they meet again in the Gold medal round.
Frankly we kind of expected more from Slovakia - a legitimate hockey powerhouse in the Men's side of things. Doesn't Marian Hossa have a sister that trained with him as a child? Does Zdeno Chara have a similarly built female cousin that could be Coached to greatness? Can't that Marshmallow Gaborik be enticed to wear a wig and bring his physical-free style of play onto the ice in a potential gender bending Olympic scandal? Poor Slovaks. A game like that isn't good for anyone.
Flying high off an 18-0 win, this Women's team looks good. Real good. So good we wouldn't pick the Oilers to beat them these days. Not with all THESE injuries and with the arena debate hanging over their heads.
Dutch speedskating is the bomb. Short track, long track, their fans dress up in orange and dance for hours on end, congratulating every competitor in sight on their fine performances. Then a guy like Sven Kramer takes to the ice and crushes everyone in sight, wins Gold in the 5000 m and sends the Dutch into an orgy of speed skating delight.
Did you know that the Dutch have an annual outdoor speed skating competition that is an uniterrupted 200 km of skating all around the Netherlands? Did you know that something like 10,000 people enter it and less than 150 generally finish? Did you know that the weather has been mild over there these past 15 or so years so they have made a fake track to keep the race going?
You didn't? What did you do all day yesterday? It certainly wasn't sit beside us on the couch at Wanye manor and watch speed skating all afternoon. Pfft.
Good on you Jennifer Heil for landing Canada it's first medal of the Games yesterday - a silver medal in the Women's moguls final. The conditions were harsh, the Americans were in fine form and you represented the country in fine fashion. Yes, we stood on the couch screaming racial slurs at the American skiier who ended up beating you for the Gold, but you didn't.
You stayed classy and reserved and brought your skiis with you in front of the reporters instead of bringing a flag to hold up like the other skiiers. You clearly didn't want it to end - and neither did we.